what can i make for dinner?

i know there are women out there who start there day with the question, "what can i make for dinner?"  i'm not one of them.  i wish i was that kind of woman.  i guess it's because of my a.d.d. kind of living. every evening, at about five or five thirty, i find myself thinking, "oh my God, it's dinner time!"  in some ways, it's kind of fun.....it's like a surprise party every day.

after college, living with roommates, we all worked to make some delicious dinners.  we had four friends from college all living in the same building, 2 of us on the 3rd floor and 2 of us on the 5th floor.  it was a walkup.....that's alot of stairs.  we were all starting out....we weren't making alot of money....we shared alot of meals...we all had recipes from home.  it was new and exciting.  we entertained alot.  i user the word entertain lightly.  i mean, we had wicker and beach chairs for the first few months.  we had an oven that set off the fire alarm everytime we broiled a hamburger.  we laughed everytime.  sometimes, one of us had money and the others didn't....we worked it out well...we had good friends and fun.  that made the meal.

one of our greatest mishap meals happened on night after work at marybeth's new, movin' on up, apartment on east 85th street...she had moved up 20 blocks and got all fancy pants with a doorman.  in our 65th street apartment, we walked through the courtyard to our door that opened to a small foyer with our mailboxes.  when our arms were full, with groceries or shopping bags, we could give a little hip check and open the inner door and start the trek to kilamanjaro. we stopped for oxygen at the third floor apartment and continued the trek onward and upward.  the fifth floor apartment was a great stop en route to tar beach, our sunny beach spot on the roof.  we were the yuppie version of "the honeymooners" television show.

marybeth and i cooked our dinners together throughout the whole summer after college.  we lived in the hamptons. we were living large....in location, not in dollars.  we made some very creative dinners.  marybeth was a major force in the shopping list department.  st that time in our lives, i was more into the cheetos, chips and miller light on the menu.  marybeth stayed on task.  so, we did eat more thatn cheetos....most of the time.

one day that summer, we got a call from our college dean of students and assistant dean of students.  they were out in the hamptons and hoping to spend the afternoon eith us at the beach in southampton. no big deal...well, kinda.  did i forget to mention that they were nuns!  yes nuns.  we went to a catholic all women's college.  granted, the nuns were cool, from wealthy, well heeled families....the "fun nuns", our parents nicknamed them, while sharing cocktails at pour parents  weekends.  they drank, they smoked and they told pope jokes.  they were like the fun aunts in the family, like auntie mame....wearing a cross....no habit, they "kicked the habit", years before.  they dressed in high style.

we were looking forward to the visit.  somehow, we had lost perspective on "casual entertaining"....although we scheduled our date with the "fun nuns", once they arrived at our cottage, we immediately became aware of our lack of fine foods for entertaining...even picnic style!  we  spent the afternoon at the beach, sharing oreos and light beer.  they have since died.....not from bad oreos and beer.....although we almost died of embarrassment!  and if they were still alive, i don't think i could have even written about our faux pa.

so, back at marybeth's new 85th street apartment, we were well beyond oreos and beer.  so we thought. by that time, we may have thought ourselves more ladylike, by drinking glasses of white wine....not to say we behaved like ladies when we drank! we worked hard to create a delicious chicken dinner.  we were getting a bit confused about how to prepare our chicken.  we debated a bit confused and a little bit desperate, we both tried to remember how our mother's made their chicken.  marybeth remembered her mother using eggs.  i remembered my mom dipping the chicken in egg and flour and baking it at 350 degrees.  did my mom bake everything at 350 degrees?


i didn't really learn how to cook from my mom.  she worked at saks fifth avenue ...thankfully, i picked up the style way better than the cooking.  she just made the dinners, my mom didn't really have the time to teach me...she was all about getting the job done.

marybeth and i waited for our fine dining experience.  we opened the oven and shrieked.....it was chicken in a bun.  we had created the perfect meal to be served at mc donalds.  i think we mixed the egg and flour!

although i have come a long way, i have a long way to go.  i have 2 ovens in our kitchen right now....neither one is working.  we have been living on lots of pasta.  we have had lots of pizzas and salads picked up.  we now have a  refrigerator full of food and i aim to get back on the cooking bandwagon.  i really enjoy the creativity of cooking.

i have lots of cookbooks.  my mom gave me the joy of cooking at my wedding shower.  inscribed inside, she wrote, "read this!  it's not just for your cookbook collection!"  i am stating today.  and just as i finish writing, "what time is it?", you ask.  it's five thirty.  what will i make for dinner?  maybe tomorrow, i'll plan.

i didn't really learn how to cook from my mom.  she worked at saks fifth avenue ...thankfully, i picked up the style way better than the cooking.  she just made the dinners, my mom didn't really have the time to teach me...she was all about getting the job done.

i have to breathe.

here i sit, first thing tuesday morning. both kids have gone on the bus to school.  it was a race to get out the door and to the bus.  we never know what the new day brings. i try to remain calm and peaceful in the organized chaos of our morning routine.  these days, i breathe a sigh of relief when the bus chugs up the hill to the next stop.

this morning, t.j. was up and ready. ready for school and the plans made for after school.  grace woke up with resistance.......resistance to the wake up....the school day....and the after school plans.  the plans for something new...something our kids have never done.  something resisted.  a great opportunity.  from the moment grace opened her eyes, she resisted and resisted and was determined to wear me down.  she exhausted herself.  i had to stay strong.  it took everything i had.

today both busses were doing their dance....as if choreographed with precision.  one bus to middle school approached....the high school bus waited and waited and waited........ while grace tore through the house, wimpering, embarrassed for holding up the bus.......pleading with me to drive her to school.
all while the bus driver sat and waited.  she begged with tears.  at that moment in time, i knew she had to get out the door.  i knew i had to sit tight and ignore her plea.  it was painful for me. it was painful for grace.  i would have done her a disservice if i hadn't stuck to plan.  this was one time where she needed to know there was no negotiation.  it was not about the bus. it was about doing what she's supposed to do.....about follow through....and about knowing she can do what she has to do.  sometimes we all have to do things we don't want to do.  it wasn't about the bus. i couldn't back down.

she stomped out the door, angry.  angry with me.....when in doubt, blame the mom.  she stomped and plodded through the snow.....in her flip flops.  i think back to earlier days.....when the flip flops would have been the issue.  we've moved on to more than flipflops in the snow.

as the lights on the bus faded away in the distance, i took a breath.  a big breath......and i cried.  it is so hard for me to be the tough one.  it would be much easier to give in.  when we, the parents, give in to some of the little things, it backfires......they try to wear us down for the bigger things.  who ever would have thought i'd have to think this way. me.  flexible me.  here i am again....tip toeing on that fine line while my sweet, angry daughter leaves flipflop prints in the snow.

the school days, when our kids had time to sit down for breakfast and were happy to start each day, are over.  i'm grateful for the fun busstop mornings....our kids were excited to run down the hill, get there early to play and laugh with friends.  saying goodbye, with a kiss, then a wave from the window with smiling faces as the big yellow bus rolled away.

today, there  is more drama....less words...more like morning mumbles.  enthusiasm is the last word  i think of to describe the attitude towards school.  enthusiasm has it's ups and downs even with friendships that have more drama at this stage.  everyone is learning as they go...learning what's acceptable in friendship, making new friends, keeping old friends or letting them go.  just like our friendships, some take more work than others.  some, we learn, are worth the effort, some are not.

this is not something we can teach. we can be there.  we can listen. we can offer advice.  mostly, our advice isn't what our kids are looking for.  it's a fine line we walk everday, as parents.  they are trying to be independent....they don't want to share as much...they think we don't understand...they think these problems of adolescence are new.  we know they're just the same, with new complications.

if only.  if only they knew how much we want to be there for them.......as they go down this road of bumps and hurdles.  in one breath, they want us.  one more, they don't want us.  we walk a fine line...it is my biggest challenge.  some days, i can be there for our kids and they welcome my presence.  other days, my presence can make them cringe.

this is my challenge lately....every day....sometimes, before anyone walks out the door.  i have to breathe.

Grocery Store Musical

no wonder why i'm exhausted.

a new day.  everyday is a fresh start.  i don't hold grudges or hang on to old hurts because it wastes my energy and makes me kind of cranky.  i hate cranky...it makes me more cranky.  as a kid, i used to pout....somehow, i thought it would get me somewhere.  it never did.  i thought it would get me attention....i ended up an outsider.  somewhere in my 20's, i caught on.  the pouting thing just didn't work.  as i told our kids,  " if you're mad and feel like pouting, just go to another room and come back when you're ready...nobody will invite you back.  when you're pouting, nobody wants to play and  you'll miss out on all of the fun."

i still feel that way.  it took me almost 20 years to catch on, but what a freedom that was.  why waste my time.....and energy.  sometimes stuff, in the world of a mom with kids, can suck the energy right out me, like a high powered hoover.  highs and lows.  every hour. even after almost 15 years of being a mom, i am caught by surprise when i feel as deflated as a 2 day old birthday balloon.

i do my best.  i try to keep myself together. i try to keep my husband and i together, just to keep the fun and lovin' alive!  i try to keep the kids together.  i try to keep the dogs together...i try to keep the cats together.  i try to keep our house together.  i try to keep all of our lives together.

and try is the word.  some moms just do it, like nike.   some just seem to do it all and do it all well.  maybe "seem" is the key word.  just sayin.

i just plain try.  but, like a bad country song, whining on and on, "i guess i can't do it good...ain't nothin good enough.... i got dust bunnies in the dining room and a stove that don't work, my cat brought a field mouse in and the kids think i'm a jerk."  and that's just since they got off the bus.

"sometimes i try too hard and can't keep up no more....i want them kids to pack their bags and head for the door.....we done our best, it's time to rest, send em on their way......until i find my love's so big, i want them back to stay."  and that's just since their teens.

i love them. i just don't always like them. they are the most loving, wonderful kids in the world.  until they're not.  then again, i'm so proud that they are truly good, deep down, good loving, funny kids.  they are incredibly smart and fun to be with.  until they're not.

i try to tell them how much i love them. i tell them.   i tell them how good they are.  i try to tell them  how proud i am of them.  i tell them. i tell them that they are smart and that they have good instincts and common sense.  i am sincere. on and on and on. they argue.  they tell me it's not true....they say that i don't love them.  they tell me i don't really think they are good kids.........they tell me that i just make it up. they tell me that it's not true.

and i wonder why i am exhausted.

they tell me for days that we have no food to eat.  there is nothing in the house.  they are starving.  they are thirsty.  they ask if we are poor.  i like to let the food dwindle down every once in awhile.....we have so much.  we let so much go to waste.  they plead. they seem faint and weak.....and moaning.  i am tempted to sing that same song our parents sang to us...."don't you realize that there are children in_____starving to death!"  i hold back.

i hold back alot.  it takes alot of self control to be a sensitive new age parent!  i'm not in "everyone gets a medal!" club, but i have certainly done my very best to hold back from random, thoughtless words.

biff and i have both worked very hard to hold back from harsh words.....with our kids and each other. ya know, never go to bed angry.....never use words as weapons and all that.  i think that's how we still keep the love alive.

so, today, since i had reached my own limit of bare shelves and limited lunch supplies and creativity was waning, i took the plunge and went to the grocery store. i had that grocery cart so full, that one of the men in the dairy department basically cut me off from more shopping.  maybe it was the eggs and yogurt teetering on top of the bananas and the gallons of milk rolling out from under the grocery cart that made him wince.  i'll tell you, i've been "cut off" in pubs during rowdy college days, but i've never been "cut off" at a grocery store.  does this mean i've hit a bottom?

i met another mom at the grocery store that had reached her shopping limit.  she said she was exhasuted, had no energy left and was looking forward to going home to crash.  another exhausted soul, deflated by the ups and downs of motherhood.  

i got home, with bags and bags of groceries.  after many trips back and forth to the car, i stood in the kitchen with the family....unpacking the overflowing bags of  food so that our children could go back to eating us out of house and home.  after making it to the store, through the store and home in record time, i was breathless and proud of my hard work....hunting and gathering....preparing meals for the week.  i even handled the deli counter  and the meat department....that was huge.

just as there was a pause in the frenzy and excitement of the food reviews, i heard a teen voice say, " oh my God, why did you buy so much food.  this is more than we can eat in a month!"



oops.  i forgot the dog food.  now, the dogs will be cranky.

no wonder why i'm exhausted.

Jaws Trailer 1975

it's only sunday.

here i sit...alone in our family room sunday afternoon.  it's a glorious sunday afternoon.  i should be off skiing with the perfect family.....loving, smiling and enjoying one another on a beautiful mountain somewhere, all dressed in coordinated l.l.bean ski apparel, sharing cups of hot cocoa in the lodge and singing "up with people" music all the way home.....in harmony.

harmony was not exactly what we had going on in our house earlier today.  one moment, biff and i were laughing together about a heavy metal u-tube video i had mistakenly put on my blog, and the next moment, our house was upside down, spinned around, by, our soon to be 15 year old, grace.  that is, if she makes it to her birthday on the 27th.....or  if we all make it til then.  for quite some time now, our little lady, grace hates us.  all of us....even the dogs.  and for now, the cats seem safe.  if  i sound blase' as i write these words, it's not because i am......it's because i never quite know what it is that makes her hate me so much.  sure, i'm a bit thinned skinned, i have feelings too!  i think i've worked really hard to let our kids show their feelings, rather thatn squash them, only to show up at some later date.

but, after being hated, off and on, since the day after her 13th birthday, it's starting to get to me.  when we try to talk, she hears things that i don't say. i think i speak rather clearly.  i even think i'm kind of tuned in on how hard it is, being a teen in this world.  it was hard enough in my time.

i also have many days lately, in the last few months, where our 13 year old, t.j., hates me.  that kind of came creeping up on me and, one day, popped up at me like a jack in the box.  just...POP....i hate you. he turned on me too.

oh sure, you say, that's normal.  or, you may even think, in horror and pull back..."not my children!....i'm a good mother/father".....you may think, " oh, that's too bad, she just didn't get it right"......or,"oh, i'm so lucky, none of my kids have done that......they're nothing like that!"

i said all of that too!  when i heard these stories from friends or friends of friends.....no one wants to admit how hard this stuff is.  i think some parents seem to go through this phase unscathed.....i just don't know how they do it.  it seems to get everyone off guard.....it just shows up.....some sooner and some later! 

this is one of those times, when i say to biff, "maybe, if we had had more children, i mean lots and lots of children, they'd be so desperate for our attention, they wouldn't dare be so obvious or have the guts to tell us.".....too late for that.

when everyone is loving, sweet and fun, i think, "oh, thank God, it seems that all of our hard work, doing the best job we could, with our kids paid off....we can see the goodness."

and other times, like today....my husband and i, frustrated and exhausted, from being hated and rebuffed, we look at each other befuddled....what did we do wrong?  how could they hate us so much...or...how could they hate each other so much.

and then, the wind changes.  there comes a calm in the storm and we rock gently, even peacefully, on our boat.  all four of us, basking in the sun, laughing and telling stories....just good times for us all.

and suddenly, like jaws, only we don't even hear the music warning us......dada..dada...dadada...dadadada....dada...dadadadadadadad...and THOSE GIANT TEETH APPEAR FROM under, the shark comes crashing into the boat and..............................................

and that's how motherhood feels to me.  i want answers. i want someone to tell me it's all going to be o.k. and mean it....i don't want to be like the townspeople in the movie......and have no clue, because the authorities don't want them to know, they don't want to ruin their vacation spot with bad press......i want to know that we have done a good job....and giving our lives to these "babies" we birthed and have given love to everyday of their lives.....we give them some stuff too, but that doesn't even count to me...the stuff doesn't matter.....we just have worked everyday to do our best and be the best for them....really.

and still, today, maybe not tomorrow, they hate us.  sometimes, they both hate us at the same time....which is kind of like those buy one get one free coupons.  sometimes, inconveniently, they hate us one at a time.  sometimes, they only hate one of us.  some times one hates one and one hates another.....

but, pretty much, everyday, waking up the same, acting the same, being the same, consistent me...and even the same, consistent us........................someone, at some point in our day is going to hate one of us or both of us.  and that's o.k., but it doesn't make it any fun.  it's actually a bit depressing.....especially, since this was a lifelong dream....to have a family and share our dreams

and just now, the phone rang..... it's the other 3 humans in the family...(and i use that term lightly, depending on the moment).......they have just called me from the ski shop, where they went to rent skis for the rest of the season).....so that we may all ski as one big, happy family......and everyone is as happy as can be.....the hate is gone...the teeth are hidden...for now...dada...dadadada.....dada...dada.dadadadadadada........

"i think we're gonna need a bigger boat."  and it's only sunday.

"SuperMom" - Ronzoni Smart Taste pasta

our life for the last 10 years!

the mom song to william tell overture

this is real life!

"where's your girl?"

it was on this night, in 1992, that biff and i actually spoke to each other for the first time.  we had been ice skating at christopher morley park for a few skating seasons.  we always noticed each other while skating....yet, were both there to skate, not date.

actually, i was there to skate because i just wanted to do something i loved, since i was a little girl.  i have sweet memories of my dad taking me to christopher morley skating rink to skate.  i had never skated at a public rink before.  i had only skated on polliwog pond, in manhasset, nearby.

polliwog was a neighborhood pond.....always filled with the neighborhood kids. we'd walk down to polliwog, sit on the most comfortable log we could find, lace up....in very cold weather, with freezing hands and feet.....before we even started to skate.   no fire to warm up, no little hut, nothing.....but lots of kids playing pick up hockey games and  others swirling and twirling about......no parents to hover over us, check our mittens, hats and coats or skates....no parents to observe proper play....no  rules.....only the kids' unspoken rules....that took care of themselves.  as far back as i can remember, we all had some generic skates or hand me downs......no high tech gear....no special socks....no goretex...no northface.  just winter stuff!  til we were so frozen, we could barely unlace our skates.....or we just walked home, with the skates on.

the only fancy pants  accessory that i remember having were my bright pink, poofy pom poms on my skates.   i remember my dad driving my best friend and i downtown to phil's sportshop, a local store with the owner in the store, selling local stuff like football, baseball jerseys of the local teams, he sold sneakers, socks, skates and the stuff of smalltown, mom n pop shops.  we don't have many of those small time stores anymore....no local sports stores selling to the local community, knowing the names of the parents, the kids and the coaches.  in fact, before the credit card days of today, phil let everyone buy on credit, if necessary.

so, it was during the winter of 1990 that i decided to get myself back on the ice....i had moved back to my hometown....i was "boyfriend free" at times.  even the boyfriends that i dated at the time, never really wanted to skate with me.  oh sure, there were a couple that i dragged out to the ice, as a romantic date, but there really wasn't that skater spark with those dates.  that was o.k. because i had decided to just enjoy dating...just sampling a little of this and a little of that, like the bakery.

since i had such fond memories of ice skating, i decided to take my little niece skating.  she was about 6 or so.  we skated each winter and she was really a quick study...we had lots of fun...skating round and round and round....we were skating buddies.  she was great company....mostly, better than some of my dates in those days....probably a better skater too!

thursday nights were our favorite nights to skate.  i'd get home from the city after work, get changed, pick up my niece and lace up. we loved the music, the lights, the families and friends.  we skated almost every thursday night, sometimes saturdays and sundays.

every thursday night, i noticed another skater.  he was cute.  he had hockey skates, nicely worn jeans, colorful windbreaker, baseball hat, horned rim glasses and a bushy mustache.  i loved watching him zip by....every week.  i really wasn't there to meet guys, so i would see him....and make up my own story about him...probably worked down the road at brooks brothers....gets out of work and stops by the rink.
he skated alone. i skated with my sweet niece.

to make a long story long, i'll wrap it up with the best part.  i was clueless.  our timing was perfect.  on this night, 18 years ago, i was skating alone.  my niece had a cold.  i skated round and round.  endorphins, the reason that kept me coming back, and the exercise that kept me in great shape.  i skated til the end of the session, as usual.  the brooks brothers guy was there, he skated til the end of the session, as usual.

i unlaced my skates. what a great feeling.  skating gave me a natural high.  i took my skates off, walked over to the towel, wiped off the blades, tossed them over my shoulder, and walked up the ramp toward the parking lot.  and just at the top of the ramp, i looked up ahead, and my "brooks brothers" guy was there.....when he made eye contact he said, "where's your girl?"

our story has gotten exaggerated over the years. now, my "brooks brothers" guy, biff, says that i answered something to the effect of......."MY girl...that's NOT MY girl...that's my niece....i haven't had a date in ages"......not quite, maybe?

the best part of the story comes from biff.....it turns out, he was trying to talk to me since the last season...not session....season!  he says that i was always busy talking to may niece.....he said, he was never sure if she was my daughter cuz we looked alike.  he said i always wore gloves, so he couldn't see if i was wearing a wedding ring.  we were engaged a year later....on the ice at rockefeller center!

he later said that he tied his sneakers twice....so our timing would be the same.  so, our timing was great.  i still thank my niece for staying home with her cold.  it was the start of a fun skating and dating life....that still continues today.  

we laugh, because it all started just because of biff's three words....."where's your girl?"

it's dunkin donuts time!

it's saturday....my husband and i are laughing...it's a morning with no plans, no place to hurry off to.......we're all cozy in bed, with comforters layered and poofy.  on this bright, sunshiny, very cold morning, we are lounging and laying low.  we have been talking and reading and just staying put.....if only someone would bring us coffee!  we haven't just stayed put like this for......years?   maybe that's an exaggeration.....well, maybe it's not!

we love to get up and out.  if the coffee could be served and maybe a croissant, on a tray, we could pretend that we're in a hotel room in paris.  oh...wait...i just mean for the room service....nothing risque'...because, even if we had the room service and the coffee and the croissant and the butter and jam and shiny hotel silver and some rustic french accordian music playing, we'd still hear a knock on the door.  it would be our kids....."do they have internet here?"

we live in a world where the outside coming in at all hours is just the norm.  even a year ago, it wasn't as dramatic.  i don't think our home had facebook or x-box then.  i didn't have my little net book and biff didn't have his blackberry, the kids didn't each have their own i touch.  sure, we had internet and cell phones and music in our bedrooms....just not to this degree.

here i am, today, enjoying this beautiful morning with my biff, all layered like a cotton commercial.  he decided to look over his christmas gifts..... books stacked on his night table, since christmas night.... .....finally, having a moment to just sit and review the books, deciding which he'll dive into first.  just a few moments....to sit in bed and live simply, with no specific plans....no schedule...no alarms...no school busses to think of...no appointments...no family gatherings.....nada nothing zip!


so, this morning, while we lounge here, serene, peaceful and calm....we realize what a joy to have the time again to just be.......to daydream or to read...to whisper and laugh....and share some thoughts of the week that we haven't had time for.  we live simply, yet with so much coming into our home via the internet, our lives have changed drastically....in just months.


sure, we've had the internet, since dial up days...to our children, that's like telling them about the days of telegrams!  as time went on, we had cable which allowed internet access all of the time.  great for those work projects and school projects and some e-mails.....from the folks who used electronic mail and for some of us who used it, sporadically.  it began, simply, just for biff's laptop and the family desktop. then more, more, more.  our kids...this is their world...it's all they've ever known.

as biff reviews his christmas books, i see my little "barbie net book"....i peek inside, turn it on and read some e-mails....and some facebook....and i open up my blog.i call it "barbie" because it's that funny pink....and it matches my phone....and my ipod!  a little matched set!  i love whimsy!

grace comes in, to talk about the day...

biff rolls out slowly...wrestling with layers of crumpled cotton, 400 count.

now, sitting up,   i'm typing on my little netbook.  biff just brought me the cord to keep it charged.....so i can write my blog.

we hear t.j. call out......"can we go out for breakfast?".....

our early morning, up and atom style was just a bit different for us all this morning.  if only we had a t.v. in our room, we'd all still be cuddled and swaddled in these comforters....to watch some old cartoons.

we're  ready to go out for some breakfast.....after we get dressed, walk the dogs, feed the dogs,  and just one more thing and another...... it's dunkin donuts time.

when we lived in boston, when grace and t.j. were babies, we were in dunkin donuts headquarters territtory.  there seemed to be those happy pink signs on every block.....and they had just created the drive through dunkin donuts.   like a life preserver, that drive through dunkin donuts appeared at the time in our lives when we were floating.....without much sleep.  with two babies in car seats, the idea of stopping anywhere was sometimes daunting.

to consider pulling into the parking lot, getting out of the car.......taking one baby out of the carseat, trying to keep that baby in one place, while removing the second baby from the carseat, managing to hold onto a wallet and car keys and sometimes a tantrum or crying baby.......with padded snowsuits and boots in freezing temperatures.......or on a hot day with steaming, sticky seats and tired babies, it really wasn't worth the cup of coffee.  i never fed babies dunkin donuts til much, much later......i waited til they were toddlers!   a blueberry muffin or a corn muffin.....

the dunkin donuts drive through changed my life. "one coffee with milk...pleeeeeez", i'd beg....and drive up to pay....collect my hot coffee....and drive for miles, just for the uninterrupted cup.  sometimes, babies would nap.  othertimes babble and talk....we'd drive for miles while i sipped.  ironically, it calmed me...slowly sipping....driving.....with buckled up babies....quietly calming as we rambled round rotaries near boston and enjoyed our time together.

we were not so much the drive-thru family.....except for that dunkin donuts coffee. it was a lifesaver for parents on the go, with our little ones in tow.

it was at that time in our lives, when we realized the timing.  dunkin donut timing.  we were always up and out with our babies.....and hurried home for some naps.  on the days when we were out by eight a.m., all set with a plan, dunkin drive-thru was a breeze...no line...get right through.  on the days, we moved out slower, we'd pass a dunkin donuts and see a line wrapped around the block.  that's how we could judge our start on the day.  up and out early, we'd spy a dunkin donuts with no cars.  later...we'd know...the lines told all.

it was the slow moving, dunkin donuts crowd that scared us...the 10:30 crowd... we didn't want to be like them.  they looked lethargic, slow moving...just like the line of cars.  it was the up and atom early birds that zipped through to start the day.  we thought it was best to be in the first round, keeping everything on plan!

and so, this morning, as i write a blog from our cozy bed, i realize i'm on dunkin donut time.  the 10:30 drive-thru, slow moving lane.

it's been a treat, just like the coffee in bed.....and now,  i'm off to enjoy the day!

and just at this moment...biff arrives with my morning cup......of starbucks!  and it's dunkin donuts time....and yes, t.j., we will go out for...."breakfast."

all pumped up with "hi test", as biff calls our starbucks stash we have ground at home.


it's dunkin donuts time....not time for dunkin donuts....it's the 10:30 timing of the later shift in the dunkin donuts world.

it's dunkin donuts time!

"don't even get me started!"

today i drove down to visit an old friend, also in connecticut, to meet for a beach walk, shopping and lunch.....a litte reunion!

 i thought... it has been great reconnecting with some cousins, old family friends, friends from grammar school, high school and college.   when we "speak" to each other, it feels like i'm bumping into them on our little village main street or at the pool.  considering how families move today, it's kind of nice to have a little bit of hometown feeling...especially, since i hardly have any family still living in the area.

facebook, was also the reason for our reunion today.  my friend and i worked at brooks brothers in new york city together.....we moved out of tcity, we both met great guys, got married, had kids, moved a bit and kept in touch throughout the years.  we even shared some of our very close friends....they were in california and our friends moved out to the same area....they have become very close friends through the years, even though one of the couples' has moved back to connecticut!
 
we haven't seen each other for about 15 years!  how does life fly by like that.  we;ve been in touch through the years, sharing christmas cards and friends.  so, we've been in touch and talked through our friends connections and family connections.....we have been living parallel lives on different coasts and for the last 6 years, we have been living about an hour away from each other.....life gets busy...or complicated by people coming and going.

the crazy thing is, it's been so long...yet, because we go back so far, we fell right into step...literally.  we met at a beautiful connecticut beach..we walked at the beach.....we both live on the shoreline.  we have kept up with each other and could easily fill in the blanks.  the really wierd thing is that when we knew each other, back in our 20 something city days, we were new found friends living the dream in the big city...trying to live on our starter salaries, in squished apartments....too little space for way too much money....but worth every penny of experience and...we survived!  and had a ball!  the thing that moves me is that we were once newfound friends....we were just starting out.....

and now, we re connect and we are the old friends!  we felt like members of a brooks brothers sorority.  established in 1812,  346 madison avenue, new york, new york 10017........we had so many young city friends....starting out.....trainees, sales, buyers, asst. buyers....going to parties and parties!

we were so happy to share each others stories..."your mom?"..."well, she was 92"..".remember....what's his name...wait...you dumped him...i thought he dumped you!"....." what was her name, she married that great guy from....we bump into each other all of the time."...."and your dad....?"...."he never got to meet my boys..we named him after my dad"....."that's right we were both the youngest in the family...we were the ones with the older parents"......on and on and on....we had to pause , to share some of the sorrow...we understood for each other....and laughed.....  like yesterday....

...and to think, we got reunited on facebook.....lots more friends are starting to get on facebook.....lots of people still see facebook as a  college kid thing.....i''d still be in college if we had facebook, back then....and forget high school!  i lived my childhood watching i love lucy and every television show that was funny and appeared to be real life or the life that seemed cool to me.
.
my old friend and i talked about the kids. her boys, 14 and 16 ...mine..almost 15 and 13 1/2...... their personalities...their schools....how we love them...how they make us laugh...how we embarrass them...and how we feel so blessed to have them and husbands we love!  it sure is great to hear about other couples who are happy too...and have similar values...trying to live simply amidst the chaos!  we talked about our golden retrievers and our cats!

we walked an talked at the beach for an hour and did a quick thrift shop stop..... a shabby chic quick spin through the little church basement niche, a new find for me!  after all, we are shoppers from way back.

i love to find old furniture to paint....and cherubs and china and boxes to modpodge.  she's selling on e-bay.  this is her link...she's got alot in her store...from vintage trinkets...abercrombie jean skirts....wedgewood...ralph lauren,  u.s.a.pottery. china cups and saucers  and all kinds of treasures...she's got the spirit, the style and the eye!

here's her e-bay store info......Fasta Fa Zool....something her father loved to say...

		Fasta Fa Zool A little of this, a little of that...an eclectic jumble of fun goods. A collection of nostalgic, vintage, modern, space age, hip and interesting items which have accumulated or been accumulated. My store is all about fun and the experience of finding a certain something and the thrill of the find!

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http://cgi.ebay.com/Vtg-FEBRUARY-PAL-Birthday-Angel-Valentine-HeartFigure_W0QQitemZ120512825227QQcmdZViewItemQQptZLH_DefaultDomain_0?hash=item1c0f1fc78b

she was filling me in on her ebay life, encouraging me to start my own business......but what will my business be....biff always says, "LIZBIZ"......we both chat about the styles and names of a store i'd always dreamed about.........we both said,it should be.....
 "LITTLEMARYMIXUP"......like my mom called me!  and then it will go along with my blog!
 
.....having been in the retail world together, we love each others style....respect each others talents!

we talked about our spouses and houses...not superficially, but the reality...and how we love living in a house that's comfy for all.

we went to lunch at  a new shi-shi restaurant, that was french, farm style fun..we talked about the great style in the restaurant and the tables and decor....we asked the waitress to ask the owner the color of the painted walls.  we always did have color in our retail lives....

it's not everyday that i get to have a friend talk about the colors of a carpet, the hydrangea blue of a wall or the cornflower blue or the perfect yellow and the jade green dining room and shabby chic and comfortable living.....

 full of  stories to share with family..
full  of plans to get together with the family...
 full of good wishes for job prospects...
                                                         full of reminiscing about crazy n.y.c. days..and                                                                                                 nights......and parties...and people....

and we took pictures...she wants to post hers on facebook for our sweet friend in california......we both missed our hysterically funny friend,  joan......we had stories to share with her.......the distance would seem short,  with our new facebook lives......even if our kids make fun of us oldies, but goodies, using facebook.....to keep in touch........we left laughing!  we drove off to meet our kids.......

  as i drove home, i thought about how nourishing good chick friends are....how important it is for moms and women, in general, to keep up with friends cuz we help keep each other "up" and we support each other, if we're with real friends....i don't really have time for anyone other than real....life's too short!

we were certainly nourished by trating ourselves to that lovely new restaurant....i called it "groovy" when i was telling the family about our lunch.....my 13 year old, t.j. said...."woah! mom you have gone way too far into the hippie world now!  he mimicked me  g r o o v y..."

in the early evening, i got on the computer....i had a new friend on facebook.....another old friend from brooks brothers.....and it started all over again...the catching up has just begun.

today was a great day...just for me....a mini-getaway.....after a great christmas break.....just some time set aside to catch up with a friend.....  as biff always says, "make sure the mom gets her oxygen first!"  which all women know, but we don't always think to do....takecare of ourselves...even, in little ways!

and, when i got to my little netbook tonight, my son was googling, "why i hate my mom's blog".....and i laughed.....that's o.k. cuz it's for me. and that's just the point.....i need one place where i don't have to feel judged by anyone......it is my own place ....... i need one place in the world that's my own.....the old rant every mother hears her own mother say at some point in her life....and now it's my own little rant.....but i have my blog.....my own place ....to write what i want, where i want, when i want........it's mine....all mine!  get the oxygen!   don't even get me started!

on my own again!

up early, grumbling about another boring day of school, "i hate school." and "it's too cold.", grace and t.j.
were moving slowly.  muttering about backpacks and lunches and winter coats and the freezing cold, they
went down our hill to the bus stop.  as funny as this sounds, i hate to see them go.  it was fun to lay low
over vacation and have the awesome delights of skiing as a family with our friends.... just a memory now.

grace has left the house with an "i love you." called after her and t.j. waits, warm, in the living room, watching out the window for his bus.  grace, always determined to be ready for her unreliable bus schedule, early 4 minutes or late 8 minutes, rushes out the door, pads across the snow on our walk and slowly maneuvers the crunchy tiretracks down the driveway....in her new flip flops.  never to be daunted by freezing temperatures or snowy drifts, that girl has always had her own style....no matter what season.  she has also been the girl to rip off a new tag and immediately throw on  something new.  instant gratification grace. new shoes, new boots new bathing suits.....dive right in and make it hers.  so, off she goes, in her new flip flops, to wait, wait and wait for her bus to arrive.

t.j. waited quietly at the window,mumbling something, "if i ever won lotto, i would just take time to sleep as much as i wanted and do what i wanted.".....i'm not going to tell him, just this moment, but we don't play lotto.....so his chances a re pretty slim....he better keep plugging away.  he looked out at grace, still standing in her flip flops.  he commented on some apparent stupidity and pondered just how his older sister can live like she does.  he sat, in his big timberland boots...with ski socks!  he  looks off into the distance for his timely bus and grace, still rocking in the cold, stands in the street, looking the opposite direction for her bus....late again.

t.j.'s bus stops up the hill ....waiting for the girl that always makes them wait.  at our house we're grateful for every minute she dawdles...we always count on her for that.....all the more time for t.j. to plod through the snow.  as he made a new path in the snow, he looked up to see his bus rolling our way.  he, thoughtfully took each step to his bus.  his sister watched and waved to some kids.  just as the bus flashers went off  to move on it's way, grace's bus slowed down to stop......she flipped and flopped.  like a choreoraphed dance, the busses sache'd past.

so, bittersweet, my day began.... out with dogs, in with dogs, warmed up with a cup of coffee, cleared counters,  filled dishwasher, turned it on and waited for the hummmmm.   i was waiting for this moment....i dashed to the garage, wearing slippers.... i hauled in the red christmas tubs.  i did a quick sweep, through the first floor, clearing out christmas window lights and candles, snow globes and santas, nutcrackers and  angels and jingle bells that hung on the door. blocks that spelled "merry christmas"  and treasured children's christmas books, saved through the years all stacked on a shelf........all was swept away, wrapped up and tucked away into tubs and ready to stack away for next year.

i take out those same decorations so lovingly and sentimental.....and when that spirit moves me, they're scooped up, packed up and put away with not one little regret.  i think that's just like the christmas season, so special and reminiscent.....the music, the cookies, the tree and the lights....and shortly after christmas, it all feels like clutter.  my brain is cluttered enough....with the lists in my head.  those lists get distracted in the christmas buzz, so now it's back to business.....the business of a mom. 

i can't seem to detail an account of my day.  i know no one would believe it.  there's so much to do.  while the kids were on vacation, alot of day to day chores were undone.  rather than nag and hear myself saying things that i thought i'd never say, i chose to enjoy the time and now it's time to pay.  i'll be playing catch up for awhile.....right now, i'm off to start some laundry,walk the dogs, go to an appointment, grocery shop and come home to meet the plumber......it's my first day home alone and i've got big adventures planned! when i dreamed of having a family, i never dreamt that this kind of day would bring such enthusiasm.....it's just that it's my day.......the dogs and i....and i'm.on my own again!

there's more where that came from!

last night, we had another light dusting of snow.  it's winter in connecticut.....there's more where that came from.  today was a beautiful, sunny and cold day today. lots of kids went back to school today, our kids had one more day!  not that they needed one more day.  we've had some outstanding vacation days and some very mellow days.  overall, it was a good thing for us all to have a break from the grind of school hours and homework and social lives, on facebook and x box, ipods and real, live people.

having grace with mono for a big chunk of the school year added stress for us all.  exhausted every morning and literally, dragging out of bed, in no mood for her mom, dad or brother to even think of the spoken word.  it was a very trying period....we were beginning to think her behavior was what we would be encountering throughout all of her teen years!  that was eve making us feel a bit whiny!
 
when biff and i saw the sunshine and blue sky this morning, we both had the same thought.....what a great day for skiing with grace and t.j.....let's go!  it would be fun to do, for everyone to get a bit more confident on a smaller mountain....especially, after skiing some tougher trails in new hampshire last week. we gave the kids a little more time sleeping.....something our teens crave these days.  after some time to plan out our day at a small, regional ski area, biff went upstairs to wake the kids.  he  was excited with our spontaneous idea and expected the same from them.

one thing for sure, with our teenagers, we have learned to expect the unexpected with grace and t.j.  after a couple of cups of coffee and some discussion, we realized we could leave at 10:30 a.m....dressed and ready to ski with lift tickets....by noon, when the mountain opened.  biff and i were delighted at the possibility.  it would be great for the kids to have one more vacation day to ski...at a smaller mountain, in our area.  after skiing last week in new hampshire, it would be good for everyone...good for our family time and certainly good to build everyone's confidence.

biff was up the stairs and ready to roll.  his enthusiasm was contagious....our spontaneous idea would be received with whoops and cheers and maybe dancing through the halls!

we have learned in the past year or so, the only thing we can ean expect from our teens, is to expect the unexpected.  they both looked up from under their puffy comforters and quilts and squishy pillows, and groaned, "no!  please don't make us go."  moaning sounds uttering words,, difficult to understand, "i need one more day to sleep.  can't we o next weekend?"

even though their our own children, my husband and i look at each other, befuddled and confused, once again.  we were  beginning to doubt that the people inside of those voices were our children.  from time to time, we look at each other and say,"who are these children.  where did they come from?"

i could understand their reactions better, if maybe, we had woken them up to say it was time for a root canal......this was a gift....a treat.....pure fun and enjoyment...an opportunity.  not in their minds.  this was just one more moment of opportunity.....one of many.

my husband and i resigned ourselves to the fact that this was our dream.....this was our spontaneity....this was our fun....this was our money!  biff and i changed gears.  he was ready to get to his office.  we said our goodbyes....still puzzled.....we just let go...we let go and decided to go with the flow.  we chose to let them sleep in.

i walked at the beach with the two golden retrievers and a good friend, with her spaniel.  we laughed together....about our vacations and our children.  i talked about our morning.  we both concur....in our wildest dreams, we would never have guessed that children would turn down such an offer.....a day of skiing....just because.  we both laughed, because our kids just amaze us.  we find ourselves saying things like, " can you believe it?  i never would have turned down an offer like that!"......"when we were kids, we would have begged our parents to spend time with us."......."how did this happen?  do kids today have so much that what we offer is just one more thing!"

i find myself quoting the song from the broadway show, "Bye bye, birdie"...."kids, what's the matter with kids today?  why can't they be like we were, perfect in every way....what's the matter with kids today?"  we walked and talked.  we wondered.  what have we done?  we don't spoil our children....we offer lots of choices.  we didn't have so many choices when we were kids.  we just played outside....we ran down the street to find friends.  we sat, bored.  we didn't have such a mobile society.  we didn't have  "helicopter parents."....not that we think WE'RE helicopter parents.  we want to let them go...go out on their own....we want them to explore more...we want them to enjoy their independence.

we keep walking and walking and walking.  the sunny day is a top ten day of winter.  we shrieked, because suddenly, as we walked along the shoreline, little waves crashed into us.....waves with slushy ice, crash into us.....as we walked and talked, the tide was coming in.

that's how my husband and i felt this morning.......like we were walking along the shore that we was so familiar yet we are still surprised that we sometimes get wet....today was a real surprise.  a surprise that our kids just didn't care about skiing....just like having SLUSH in the water.

the funny thing is.....we think we do have kids that are grateful.  we think they are really great kids.  they are kind and loving and sensitive and respectful.....most of the time.  the funny thing is.....i don't even think they know what an opportunity it was.  the funny thing is....i think that this is a generation that has so much, they don't really know opportunity.  the funny thing is.....i know they were tired, but too tired to jump up and ski. the funny thing is......my friend has had many of the same moments.

go skiing. get sleep.  maybe if i was a teen today, i would make the same choice.  maybe i would be tired.  i would just be tired for very different reasons.  i would have been tired from boredom, tired from too many late night, "i love lucy" episodes.  i would have been tired from staying up too late, writing and drawing.  i would have been to tired just because i was a teenager.

i guess every generation looks back and wonders if life has really changed for the best.  so much is available to all of us.  information at our fingertips, friends at our fingertips on facebook and on our cellphones and i-phones.....we can use our phones and computers to talk to our family and friends in other countries....we can even look at them on the computer games to play indoors, on the television or on the computer or on our cell phones or i-phones. anyone can buy anything today with a credit card...even if there is no way to pay it back....credit is the norm.  everybody can go anywhere..anytime...stores are open 24 hours...there are fresh brewed coffee boutiques on every corner....we don't even have to get out of the car to get our breakfast, lunch or dinner or snack at any hour....we can order on line in the middle of the night.....we can get money anywhere, anytime.....airplane travel is taken for granted......in some homes each family member has their own car..........lots of people have g.p.s., electronic maps, in their cars, it's not even possible to get lost anymore and have the challenge of finding the right route..... 

so why get up and go skiing, when you can do virtual skiing on t.v.?  maybe, kids do take advantage of what they have. we know how much more these kids have been exposed to than us......and how much more stuff and more technology than us ...... i think we have a generation with parents who love to provide and give what's available.....they have so much more available than we did.....there's more where that came from!

miracles do happen!

in this century.

o.k......when i sat down to write about the craziness of scheduling our family christmas, i knew it would be one of the least exciting, most confusing post that i have ever written.  and nothing is more boring to me than asking someone how they are and hearing a littany of their busy schedule.  i realize we live in a world where everyone is overwhelmed with their own agenda.

i think this all began in the 80's.....everyone was so busy talking about money and having money to do things, have things, buy more things and go more places to meet more people than i ever remember.  i'm sure graduating college and living on our own and having a permanent job, called career in the 80's, helped all of that to be magnified.  i still remember making plans with friends.....some had become very self important in  "high powered careers".  when the plans were made, we discussed where we were all meeting and who would be there. some rattled off possible conflicts and told of other plans.  the "where" was more prominent and "who" was more prestigious.  just when we thought we, the tried and true friends, had been blown off for a better opportunity, we heard a "filofax" worth of information.  back in the 80's, we still used a phone.  if we had been skyping,  friends might have seen us gagging at high fillutin' plans.  we had a few years of even more important engagements and black ties and real estate aquistions and can you top this events and addresses.

our lives all moved on.  we thought that the days of one upping were over.  then, we got married.....settled into a life of bliss and new homes and new babies.....some sooner than later.  we thought we had moved on from sharing shallow stories.  but, no.  we were on to the next phase.  for me, a late bloomer, it was sometimes unbearable to hear the accounts of the new kitchens and gutting of homes and exotic vacations.  my husband and i were both late bloomers, we like to say.  i wouldn't have changed a thing.  we waited a long time to find the love of our lives.....later rather than sooner and we were happy.

our first address was a little mary tyler moore apartment, on the third floor of an old victorian house.  it was a dream life in a little village by the sea, with daily walks together and romantic dinners in our tree house apartment.  we entertained like crazy and anyone who visited was welcomed and fell in love with our charming little home.

and soon to come was our bouncing baby girl.  we were all peaceful in our little niche, bathed in bright  sunlight and cozy with our new baby.

soon, we had the chance to make a move, so that my husband could grow his sales territory in the northeast. we moved to a beautiful beachy area near boston.  we found a condo, rather than a house. the prices of homes were moving up and we were starting out.  i was staying home with our baby, grace.  we made that choice early on.  it was a choice i'll never regret.....yet, i have the greatest respect for women who manage both a full time career and mom life.  with the choices we made, we would need more time to get our first house.

that was when i learned that the busy scheduling stories would  appear again.  as a new mom, i began entering a world i had never known....playgroup....with moms and babies.  it was exciting to be in a new place, with a new baby and starting out the life i had dreamed of.  innocent.  i walked into a new world of moms who had stories to tell of their babies best moments and tales of gymboree, naptime dreambabies, babbling babies who were prodigies and parents who knew it all.  babies had schedules for classes of gymboree, gymnastics in utero, mom n me music, ballet babies, swimming babies and babies who lunched.

playgroups were pedestals for parental achievements. moms not only nursed babies on the go but but planned parties for baby's first teeth.  playgroups were scheduled at people's homes. we had coffee and bagels and babies while moms relayed stories of upholsterer uproars and curtain creations.

as babies grew, the accomplishments were even greater.....and toys were greater too.  their were dollhouses and playhouses and baby kitchens and cars...new gadgets and scooters and strollers galore.

we were so new to this world, it scared us a bit. we were living in our condo and clueless to it.  we had no "home work" or demands.  we took road trips and day trips and trips to the pool at the condo, we went swimming and took long walks with babies in the jog stroller.  we had time to smell the flowers.  we met neighbors outside, sharing rasberries and flowers.  we met storekeepers and mailmen.

i knew it was funny, when i was volunteering to help raise money for a town playground.  apparently, it was time.  time for the moms to get busy. it was time to apply all of their savvy business skills from a previous lives.  our playground needed research and planning and blueprints and consultations.  their were committees and committees to work it all out.  there were meetings in the morning and meetings at night.

i knew it was time to rethink this world.  i was sitting in a mc mansion, in a kitchen larger than our condo.  moms were gathered on gigantic, plush sofas with designer water.  moms talked of the swingsets in their own backyards.  one mom said, "oh, we chose the playbuilt swingset because it seemed most challenging for our little monkeys"  another mom described their latest swingset aquisition, an even newer model.  the first mom with the monkeys talked about their decision to have the swingset close to the house so she could keep and eye on her little monkeys.  the mom with the bigger, better new design told of her necessity to have a bulldozer come in to "clear the land" to give it some space.

it was at that moment that i thought, "wait, i'm here to volunteer to build a playground.  my kids have  no swingset, in fact, we have no yard."  i laughed to myself.  i realized our children had been in a photoshoot for a top of the line swingset company. we had recieved coupons for a discount on a purchase of the top of the line swingset......but, we had no yard. and that was the moment i knew i needed to sit back with our babies and watch them grow.  i chose, at that very moment, to step back from the insanity.

from that moment on, i made choices.  i made choices to make our children come first.  not based on ego.  not based on stuff.  not based on busy baby schedules to bombard their little lives.  i remained true to ourselves and to our babies.  i knew that all of the committees and all of the volunteering and all of the scheduling would, from that moment on, be based on what's best for our babies and our family.

.who'd have ever believed....the 80's career women could turn the lives of kids into one upping on the sidelines!  it happens.  life is busy.  kids are busy.  grandparents are busy. moms are busy. dads are busy.  for goodness sake, i even need time to squeeze in time for doggie playdates.

our phone call this morning started all of this.  we had to cancel ou christmas in january with or family, in the latest location..  snow. rain. weather.  we'll figure something out.....eventually.  in the future, i hope we won't be skyping christmas.  families are far away.....with busy schedules multiplied by number of family members.  where has the time gone? literally, where has it gone?  i hope we get it back in this century.

don't put all your eggs in one basket...

it's the second day of the new year and we have plans to celebrate christmas with the family.  this is another alternate plan.  originally, we had plans to get together in mid december.  we even offered to take jane and jim, my husband's parents.   we thought it would be nice to travel the distance together and have some extra time with them.  they may be retired but they have busier schedules than we do. there was a blizzard that prevented the whole family from making it from a variety of states.

  we had big decisions to make regarding the planning of that party....our grace, the freshman, had recovered from her mono and had plans to go to a high school homecoming dance that night.  it would be a three hour drive out to horse country in new jersey, we would have to leave a bit early to get home for the big dance.  we had planned and replanned to adjust our lives so that the dance would not be missed.  after all of the planning, more planning and revising and coordinating, we had figured it out so our family would stay in tact and still let the dancing begin. 

things happen and schedules change and plans change....everyday.  on the friday before our december gathering, with all of the planning and decisions and teeange drama, i recieved a text from school....it was grace.  her text was to let me know that the homecoming dance was cancelled
.
it had been postponed already.... from october because the swine flu had closed nearby schools.  grace was relieved at that news because that cancellation made her life easier....we were all planning to go to boston for the weekend....she didn't have to struggle with the choices.

the october dance was rescheduled to december and re-rescheduled to mid january. the downside is that the mid january homecoming dance appears to be only one weekend away from the winter formal.  these are all really just dances with fancy names.  in this day in age, it's really just an opportunity for girls to live life in the fancy  lane....not quite the red carpet, but everyone wants their moment to shine.

today is january 2nd, 2010.  today is our rescheduled date for our family christmas celebration, a date worked out when the blizzard began on december 18th of 2009.  we had planned to share our christmas gifts with everyone today....in horse country, in new jersey.....with our sister and brother in law.  they are a busy working couple with alot of scheduling involved in their lives.  they work really hard to keep the family together and love to host family gatherings since they are in an almost central location.  when the party is at their house, they go all out and prepare a feast and they don't even cook!

the phone rang last night.  my husband hung up and said, "we're bringing a salad tomorrow."  oh?  "to  jane and jim's"  huh?  yep....you guessed it.  the trip to new jersey, driving jane and jim, was cancelled.  everyone in new jersey was sick....sick with lots of wonderful food in the fridge.  which meant that we would not be driving jane and jim because we would be going to jane and jims....for our re-rescheduled christmas.  and that's unfortunate for our new jersey family, being sick and not even wanting to see food.

half of the family would not be able to make the trip.....too far.  we are only an hour away....it's kind of ...a relief.  and by the way, my husband is taking our daughter and a friend to a local concert.  so it's kinda nice to know we don't have that teenage time pressure!

there is a bit of a glitch in all of the planning and replanning.  once we knew we would be surprising the kids for christmas, with the news of our ski trip with friends, we knew that jane had one very significant present.  grace had asked for new ski goggles for christmas.  instead of receiving them in mid december, she would not see her grandparents until january.  christmas eve eve, my husband drove down to jane and jim's to rescue the ski goggles....to have at our house on christmas morning.

the other family that will be there already sent their gifts....we opened them on christmas morning.  t.j. has his grandparents to thank for christmas continuing through new years. grace has everything opened. the new jersey relatives have still not received our gifts...the kids are happy to have something to look forward.  ....we have lots more to give....if the plans get re-re-re scheduled for new jersey......and the relatives in virginia......

the gifts for virginia relatives and new jersey have been wrapped for months.  they won't be there.  jane and jim's gifts are mostly all wrapped.  we still have gifts lined up in the dining room.....all dressed up and no place to go....we have some gifts waiting to be wrapped.

with so much organizing for months, i'm not sure who has what and what goes with who.  i hope if all works out.  wrapping isn't all that it's cracked up to be anyway.  thank goodness that they make pretty colorful, christmas bags and tissue paper. even when i am organized, i can't be organized.

 i wonder if the homecoming dance and the winter whirlwind (my new name for it), will really happen in january.  oh, and that's grace's birthday month.  that always adds to the scheduling excitement.


we will finally have our christmas with family.

this is a great day for our kids to be reminded of the lesson......tis better to give than to receive. i think they have already learned that life is a little give and take.......they have learned to go with the flow...don't put all your eggs in one basket.....

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letting go and trusting

happy new year.  we are only a couple of hours into the new year and i'm exhausted......our grace, 14, is out at a friends, for a new years party and sleepover. i asked all of the good parenting questions,  basic questions, like ....are her parents going to be home?, who else is invited?, what time? and after we talk to her mom, i'm sure you can go.   i trust my sweet girl.....i trust her good friends....i trust the mom and dad at the home she'll be staying.  there will be boys and there will be supervision.

i remember being a freshman in high school.  i remember alot.  i remember my behavior. i remember lots of the girls and boys i hung out with.  i remember the lessons i learned.....about friendships, trust, responsibility, staying honest and true to myself. i remember trying to do the right thing and not always doing it.  i .  remember knowing the difference between right and wrong.  i remember peer pressure and trying to act cool.  i remember some of the girls changing everything about themselves, around boys.  i remember being disappointed in friendships, i remember feeling like i was the only one in the world who wasn't perfect or model beautiful or confident.  i remember wanting a boyfriend so badly. i remember not  feeling pretty enough to have one. i remember thinking the boys liked other girls more than me .  i remember feeling like there was no one in the world that i could trust.  i remember  thinking my family was not as great as their family.
 
i know those are all of the same feelings that girls have today...only, girls today seem to have all of these feelings magnified.  i know this is a time where my litttle girl is going off independently, making choices everyday that will lead her down her own path.  it's her path and i can't pave it or sweep it for her. as parents, all we can do is trust her and pray that we have taught her well and showed her by example.  i want to tell her all of my mistakes and save her from the difficulties and dramas and delicate feelings.  but, that would be a disservice to her and to her character.  i love her so much, it's hard to let go......but that's all we can do is let go and trust her to know the right thing to do or learn the harsh lessons that come when poor choices are made.

our son t.j., 13 is at home with us tonight.  he is growing too. he is feeling as though we are not the parents he would like us to be. he is frustrated with us.  he is great at letting us know his feelings.  he is frustrated with his life.  he wants to be better....he wants to be the best at some things and doesn't feel that he ever will. we talk and talk.  he yells and tells us his strong feelings and emotions. it is so hard to hear our son be so hard on himself.....he doesn't see his own strengths....he doesn't know how long it takes to recognize one's own strengths.....he doesn't understand why some kids have things come so easy and others try and try and still aren't good enough.  he doesn't know that they just appear to come easy.he doesn't know that some things that come easy to one kid may be a stretch for another and  that's everyone. as a first grade teacher once said, "everyone here is best at something."  i loved that...it's true...just hard to believe when you're 13.

his feelings are intense.  we want him to know we've had those same feelings.   he doesn't believe us....he can't imagine anyone understanding.  he is sad and frustrated and our hearts are breaking just to hear him speak.  we can't make the pain go away...we can only give him the tools to deal with the pain. we try to show him how much we care and how much we believe in him.  he wants no comforting from us......we give what we can.  he too, has to find his own way.  we can show him and steer him but, we can't do it for him.

as a mom, that's all i have ever wanted to do.....to take their pain for them...to make it better and not have the pain hurt so much.  it makes my heart ache.  sometimes when i see our kids in pain, it makes me feel helpless.  it makes me feel as though i have failed them....that i haven't made them strong enough to withstand the pain.  then, i remember that they have their own paths to take.

as my husband and i  looked up the mountain, while skiing this week, i pointed to the tracks of the skiers and snowboarders in the snow...tracks and tracks....we watched all of the different skiers and all of their different styles, coming down the mountainside.  we noticed the way some were well prepared for the freezing cold.....we noticed others that hadn't thought out the details....we watched some who were invigorated by the challenges and the cold and others who were paralyzed with fear of the terrain and in tears because of the cold.  we noticed parents who were stressed out by their children and parents who were relaxed, and enjoying the moments.

it was by the mountain, looking at the skiiers tracks in the snow, that i realized each of us has our own path to take....going down the mountain.  we all have our own style, our own speed and our own feelings as we move through the snow.  on the coldest day, it can feel like a day at the beach for some and for others, it can feel overwhelming just to get off the lift at the top of the mountain.  some get off the lift and just zip down immediately.  others have big discussions and adjusting to take care of before they even consider the run.

i am so visual.  that mountain allowed me to see that we each have our own path to take.  some of us get bumped in the tight spots, some are just knocked over by surprise, some get bruised and jump right back up and others get banged up and need to rest or get bandaged.

i realized that no matter what paths our children take, all we can do is give them lessons and help build their confidence, stay by them  yet, give them some space.  we can protect them by clothing them properly and we can show them the way.  only then, are they free to choose their own path and do it their own way, learning as they go and falling at the tough spots.  we can cheer them on and let them know we can see their improvements and see how tough the terrain and the weather may be.....and they will feel better knowing we believe in them and trust that they know the way.......and we know they will make it down the mountain doing the best that they can,no matter how long it takes or how they do it and who they do it with. 

it's all about letting go and trusting.

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