wedding dress.

it's martin luther king day....i've been thinking all week about the man with so much vision and hope. "i have a dream" is ringing so clear in my thoughts.  he was a man who had so many dreams and because his life was cut short, others had to do their best to fulfill his dreams.

it's incredible to read about people and their dreams, big and small.  it is always amazing to hear of people who stand up to adversity and still power through the blockades.  what is it that gives people the stamina to just keep plowing through.  some we just read about and some we may know personally.

my mom was inspired to keep forging ahead through adversity.  my dad died when my mom was 48.  with three kids, she had no choice but to look forward and march on.  she did just that.......with debilitating arthritis.  she had a successful career as an executive........bills to pay, kids to support and bills and lifestyle too.she worked until she had to retire.

then, she started volunteering at a hospital and was offered a management position.  she worked there until her mid seventies.....and with so many blue haired volunteers, we used to kid her, that she was the young whippersnapper!

she was forced to move to a senior living residence when she could no longer use the stairs in her apartment.  she moved there, not because she wanted to but because she had to. she did not want to move in with family although she was welcome.  she chose to continue living independently for as long as she could.  it was not her dream circumstance, but she made it work.

she really didn't complain about the stumbling blocks of her life.  she just pushed along and made things work.her arthritis was degenerative and in her last years, she was more and more slowed down and her bones began to deteriorate.  she broke her hip...she kept going.  she fell...she kept going.  she was in and out of the hospital....she kept going...she would not be stopped. she kept going, no matter what the adversity.

it was frustrating to me and the others that we could not slow her down!  we wanted to protect her.  she didn't want anyone to stop her.  she did not want to quit. she recognized the changes that began holding her back.  she just didn't want to discuss them.she was stubborn and proud.  she didn't let the adversity crush her spirit.  her spirit carried her through, always.  her spirit and her faith.  until her last day.


i realize the reason that i began writing about my mother.  it was on martin luther king day that my mom and i went shopping in new york city for my wedding dress.  it was a special day.  although, her arthritis was slowing down her walking, she never considered it a hardship to walk through the city. she lived and worked and fell in love there.

we went to saks fifth avenue where she worked for most of her life and so did i.  itried on dress after dress after dress.  it was discouraging, only because every dress that i tried on was like a gown meant for a princess....big, way too big, poofy, heavy and way too sparkly.  we resigned ourselves to come back another day.

we were just a bit disappointed. we drove home.  while on our way through our little village, my mom said, "look!  why don't we just pop into our bridal shop?"  exhausted, i told her i didn't want to make another stop.  she pushed.  lets go. quick. stop in for a minute.so many brides! so stereotypical.  i was having a out of body experience.  i was was living life in a cartoon....something i do when the atmosphere creeps me out  seeing people as cartoon characters seems to save me from the intensity of a moment.....brides, mother of the brides, bridesmaids, too fat, too skinny, too loud, too nasal, too emotional.......i was looking at them all in that very teeny boutique.....i was not this kind of bride......i did not want to turn into this kind of bride.  was i?  NO WAY.

i had just talked my mom into leaving the store when we heard the owner call out her name.  we both turned.  it was an old family friend that had gone to school with my older brothers.  we told her we'd come back.  she told us not to go, asked me what styles i liked......i told her i didn't want too much "foof" and not too"boofy" and not too sparkly...just classic, light for a summer day.  she brought me one dress.  no''boof"...no ''foof"  no  i loved it, tried it on, it was my size, it was mine.

so today, martin luther king day......is the day i had a dream....not quite so lofty....just an ordinary dream....i dreamed of my wedding dress and how it would be....we found it....we had such a special mother daughter day.

so, i can't help but remember on this beautiful martin luther king day that the is the anniversary of the day i got my wedding dress.

this must be the face bill cosby is talking about!  at least, i think this is my face.

i'm sure the kids would love to confirm this.

only they know the official mom face.

Bill Cosby - Brain damage

it's my life.

just another day.

how much fun it is to be at the beach on cold winter days.

walking with daisy and fitzy.

our goldens.

its a step away from the busy-ness of life.

they take us to new places that we might not have noticed along our walks.

biff and i have time to talk quietly.

we have little dates.

we laugh together.

we dream about places we love and summer.

we think about places we'd like to go.

we ramble random thoughts.....mine more than his!

we complain about our kids and why they do this or that.

and why they don't do this or that.

we share funny stories about our kids.

we talk about how proud we are of them.

we laugh about the things we see in them that are just like us.

we laugh and cry about our imperfections as parents......o.k....i cry.

we really love our beach walks with the dogs.

we get time together.

just time.

quiet time.

and then we come back home.

to music.

computers.

ipods.

x-box.

cell phones.

food.

kids laughter.

kids fighting.

kids wants.

kids needs.

our real life.

the life we chose.

the kids we love.

the warm comfortable home.

with cats

and dogs

and fish

and family.

just another day.

50 years from today.

this was a christmas gift for biff in 2007.  i found this in an antique store here in connecticut.  biff loves to have a place to keep all of his toys like pocket knives, old pens that he collects, tools for his bike, ipod stuff, cell phone, laptop cords and chips and foreign coins.

the "gerstner box" has been around since the wright brothers carried them to kitty hawk.  the box that i bought for biff is about fifty years old.  who knew?  and i thought i had just found a cool box.

for the first few months that he had it, biff came home everyday and poured out his pockets and lifted the lid, opened the front with the swing open, "desk"made to use as a work surface.....he would turn knobs, lift the hinges and pull the drawers and  review his small collections, moving things from place to place.  it became his own place.  a minute office where he could contain most of his treasures.

he truly was delighted with this gift.  an antique tool chest, he loves old things with a history.  old things to biff, don't have to be antiques.  because he has an interest in manufacturing, all kinds of manufacturing, he loves to see how stuff is made.  the gerstner box is a tool box that was used by precision toolmakers, who built the stuff that kept the factories running.  each artisan had their own toolbox filled with special instruments for layout set up and building.  each toolbox was an extension of the individual and his stykle and his nature.  this box was carried these "tool boxes" with them to work on small  at the manufacturing plant, like house calls.

i finally had to ask him to stop telling me about the incredible uses for the box.  everytime he uses the box, still-----years later, he puts his keys and stuff in there and says,"thank you for this box.  really, it's so  great. i love my gerstner box."  when he asks the kids to get something, he just says,"it's in the gerstner."

it's like we have another man in the house.  gerstner this and gerstner that.  one day we were looking at e-bay.....i'm trying to decide if i should have a shop on e-bay.   as we looked through some of the different categories, biff clicked onto "Gerstner boxes"......he found one.  it was not in great condition.  it was way overpriced for the condition.  we debated, knowing how much he loved his own, we talked about how our son, t.j. might like to have his own."  we had alot more"gerstner" talk.

we never did buy the one on e-bay.  biff talked about having his dad make one.  his dad is a very talented woodworker.    i think biff and t.j. talked about "gerstner" possibilities.  who knew how much that"gerstner box" would turn into a member of the family!

the minute biff opened his "gerstner box", i guess i opened a can of worms.

my fun christmas present this year was my little laptop,  this cracked me up the minute i opened the box. it is the cutest computer ever.  i can't believe it's so small and has opened a whole new world for me.  this little pink laptop is the color of my phone and my ipod.  i had a pink camera too...but it has,sadly. gone to rest. i seem to have an ongoing issue with techno toys that go bad.

this cracks me up because, when my niece was about four, like twenty years ago, i bought her a little v-tech laptop type toy....i think it was bigger than this!

the cool thing is that since i have my own computer, i have learned so much.  i am able to write my blog from anywhere, i am more accessible to the internet, i actually feel like i'm getting a little more computer coordinated.  don't tell my kids....they'll just laugh out loud!

who knew so much joy could come from two different worlds.....old and new!  box and laptop box....i wonder what people will say about these things 50 years from today.

funny female parking

and finally, we arrived and got our parking space!

and here's the part of the story from our little trip last night that i left out...because i followed my heart in the story.  my life is a segway....i started telling about our trip last night to see our friends show and because i started writing about my friends talents that go on and on and on and our friendship that goes on and on and on, i wrote on and on and never got to the mix up.

we go to nan's shows every chance we get. she's not around the corner....but we love to go.  last night, we made sure to plan accordingly.  we were determined to get there on time. we have had nights where they were closing the doors, lights were out and we had to do lots of sweettalking to get ourselves in the door and seated quietly.  preferably, without nan seeing us and creating a scene.....we are easy targets.

biff, being a twin born seven minutes after his brother has a long history with running late. his twin has always said,  "you've been late since the day you were born!"
biff has come a long way and is much more prompt these days, but somehow we do have our mixups.

last night, with all plans on schedule, the family was dressed and ready, out the door, in the car and on the road with our googled directions to our location.  we had time to get in the theatre, get candy or a drink, be seated and reading our "playbill" while waiting for the show to begin.

we followed the directions to a tee until we found ourselves in a not so desireable neighborhood.  actually, the address kind of matched the directions.  as we arrived
at shack with some green grass, i got the feeling that this was not a place that nan would drive, let alone put on a show.

we stopped three people to ask directions.  no one spoke english.  does that surprise us? no. we move on.  we finally asked a not so intimidating manwith a very intimidating dog who barked loudly.  not the man, the dog.he spoke english.  not the dog, the man. we diiidn't have time to checki on the dog's language abilities.  we peeled out of that neighborhood in a hurry!

at that point, we were in a hurry but might still make the curtain call.  that is, until we drove around some more scary neighborhoods....close, but no quite.  we tried to call the theatere...we got administrative offices.  we tried to text her husband.  anyone watching or helping with a show would surely turn off their phone.  no pick up. we found the theatre....we saw the lights.  we looked for a parking spot. and we looked some more.  we circled the block.  we finally found a sign that said parking.  we followed the sign. we drove into the cement jungle parking lot.  we passed many filled parking spaces.  we followed the arrows to the next level.  we passed the security guard. we waved and smiled.  he waved and smiled.  where did he think the family of four was going?  we arrived on the next level.  thee were no other cars.  no other life.  no other ramps open.  just lights and scaffolding and do not enter signs.  we had entered the twilight zone and all we wanted was a braodway review.  we circled about and yes, our only choice, we drove back down. we drove down the up ramp.....we signaled to another driver not to go there and we got out of there.  we circled some more.,  at that point, i was ready to pull up on the sidewalk....in fornt of the theatre.  i offered to drop off the family while i looked for a space....in cleveland.  and just as i thought, we found a space within a block of the theatre.
phew!  we were there...we just needed to pick up the tix at the door.  pause.  we had the manager to escort us to the seats....during a break in the action. pause.  the manager escorted us to our second row, middle seats.  yahoo!  we had arrived.

in time for two songs....and intermission!  we had arrived just in time to miss my goddaughter, nan's daughter, on stage. we had arrived just in time to miss nan's son on stage.

we did make it, if a tad late.  they know we love them.  they know we wanted to be there.  they know that mix ups do happen.  they know about my mix ups.  they know that my mom called me littlemarymixup....and they love me anyway...they love us all anyway....and maybe that's part of why they love us.  they know we want to always be there for them.  literally and figuratively. and maybe that's why they love us....because we are....even if a bit late...we are there with all of oue heart.  in the second row...literally and figuratively.  cheering them on .....as good friends do....literally and figuratively.

we were there in time to applaud and whoop it up.  i clap well.  and i have a great whistle....although it embarrasses the kids....not the kids on stage....the kids in my family.  they should be proud, don't ya think.  that's one of my biggest skills. and that counts.  i mean, for all of the nan's in the world.  they need people with skill like mine.  where would they be without the whistlers?

more than most!

last night, we all went to see a friends production of a broadway review. nan is my friend....an incredible friend....a smart, funny, loud, gentle, sweet, kind and loving and sincere friend......with more energy and more creativity and more talents than most people have been blessed with.

nan has been a friend since college.....we share our friends.......a group as close as sisters....a group with many talents and gifts.  at a small womens college, it was inevitable for us to cross paths.....and who knew the long and winding path we would travel as friends for almost over 25 years.....  yikes!

our friendship really began when we worked on talent shows together.  not just a small time talent show, but true productions, spoofs of our college living, that weon first place.  the audience was comprised of parents, faculty members and friends.

women with voices and opinions stood out. many of us, born leaders, in one way or another, mixed together, creating a force that won talent shows and forged deep and lasting friendships with us and all of our families too. 

i've been to see her productions with yellow brick roads and gingham clad singers and beauty school dropouts with greasy boyfriends. writing, directing, choreographing, producing, singing, dancing, flying, rocking and rolling are as much a part of her life as brushing teeth are to most.

after college, nan began a career as a stockbroker, a top saleswoman in her office, while being an involved and committed town council woman and in her spare time, she was the general contractor for her own house.  she played the organ at church on sundays and sings......and plays the piano. i kid you not!

nan married a great guy, who loves and supports every step she takes. before they had children of their own, she began a childrens theatre group.....another successful venture.  2 great kids and the talent gene pool carries on. her children have been a part of her productions every step of the way. nan became a teacher at her alma maters. not only a great teacher, she is loved by her students and graduates....she developed an extracurricular theatre program that is a money maker for her school.

kids come back from college to be a part of her latest venture, putting on shows at a local, acclaimed playhouse.  she has a following. this is a woman with gifts of all kinds.

she's kind she's loving and sincere....and hysterical.  we shares the love of family, the love of friends and the love of the beach and birthdays, the love of our children, the love of music, the love of God (although, i can't play the organ and after 10 years of piano lessons, i can play a few christmas songs, chop stix and heart and soul"), we share each others' joys and sorrows.  we certainly have a long history together.  we shared in some of the greatest college capers ever.  as good friends, we ran against each other for class president senior year in college.....she won and she made the best class president ever!

one of the first times we met, it was because she was booming "she's a brick house" through the dorm.  the beat was barreling down corridors and rattling our windows two floors below.  little did i know, that that booming was as big as her heart.   i never would have believed it at that time.

thank goodness i didn't let that brick house get in the way of our friendship because travelling down the yellow brick road with nan has been a blast.

of all of her talents, the gift of friendship has been the most bountiful! 

so what we learned in our fine womens college is true, girls can do anything! some can just do more than most.

need to upload more photos.....

cyberspace has captured some of my photos....and a blog about my feelings this morning......i don't have a clue if i can retreive any of it....but i'll try.  i'm sure you'll go on living without all of my cyber-loss.....i , however, will mourn.  i kinda choked myself up....being grateful for the simple moments spent with my kids.

and then they reminded me that i make them crazy!

i need to upload more photos......

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

too tired to write much tonight.  early this morning i wrote a very heartfelt post on the video i posted.  i am grateful.  that post made me tear up.  life is flying by.
i recognize the simple things but i am relieved that i can be honest about the times that our teens make us crazy.....i know we make them crazy, because they tell me...all of the time. 

they make me laugh.  grace has certain things about me that make her crazy.  t.j. has a list of other reasons that i make him crazy.  the first one on t.j.'s list is my blog.  he just can't believe that i write something that no one cares about and that i write things that no one will read.

tomorrow, i would like to list my imperfections as they seem to be aware of a bountiful bunch!  i would like to write  a list of my own  as well.....it will be fun to compare.  i probably won't share the lists with them since i really don't need to give them more to think about.  by the way, i do understand that this is there way....teens have to see the differences and make their break......if they're lucky they'll carch on to a few of our parental peccadillos.....we are chock full.  we just feel that they make us endearing.....to each other....the rest of the world may not be able to handle our flaws but that's o.k.
it's our children that we worry about.....not that they can't handle our drawbacks, just that we pray that they will be able to break the chain.....the chain that we have created.....unknowingly.

i'll be dreaming about the lists.  i do work while i sleep.....and don't forget i did sleep through labor with our second baby t.j.! 

on that note, i'm very tired after a nice night at an old friends "broadway medley" that she produced...that's another story.....a great friend since college....that can juggle 17 balls in the air at once...all sizes, shapes and colors......and she makes us laugh and she's like a sister.  more about nan next time....after the lists....

good night......zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Katrina Kenison - The Gift Of An Ordinary Day

this video was sent to me by a good friend. is is beautiful.

i'm praying for the people in haiti.......thinking of the people still trying to recover from hurricane katrina

hurricane katrina damagelong overdue repairs, new roof workwe were there, through a church groupto help the people who were neglected due to bureacracy.an incredible experience for all  of us.i took this trip a couple of years ago.  i went with a friend and some people from her church.  we drove for two days, in a van with somegood music, squished people, singing to anything but church music....some of us wore pajamas....we got to know each other very well.  we all worked hard , enjoyed working on people's homes, hearing their stories, and loving their spirit.  i hope i can do that again....it's true...it's better to give than recieve.  and we couldn't help but remember, "there, but for the grace of God, am i."   it was hard work, challenging, exhausting and wonderful....and of course, for me, it was a big deal to leave my family for a week.......even with that hard work, i came home with a new perspective .......and i was truly grateful and energiaed.

Appliance Night Out - Funny Animation

maybe this is what's going on with the ovens!

hamburger, no ice.

have i mentioned that i have 2 ovens in my kitchen?  not because i have a fancy pants, newly remodeled kitchen, but because of a very kooky mixup.  a few months ago, a friend stopped in for coffee.....actually, the friend was our neighbor until a couple of years ago.  we're still in the same town and get together often with dogs or humans.  we still have coffee or tea together quite a bit........certainly, not as frequently as our days spent after the school bus left in the morning or after the schoolbus delivered our kids home at the end of the day.  my point is that we are very familiar with each other's kitchens.....nevermind, the familiarity with each other's coffee colors.....coffee with milk and a little bit of sugar.....coffee with only sugar......if one of us brings the other a latte' from "the outside", we both concur that we don't want it too sweet.....if it's hot tea, we know we have all sorts of choices, we both prefer milk....once spring has arrived, we celebrate our first iced coffee of the season......one light and one with milk and extra sugar.....and finally, iced tea....sweetened....with ice, lots of ice.





















the ice may have been the reason that our friends moved.  i have a secret.  i have very bad ice making skills.  we moved into a house that has a refrigerator that does not make ice....a cryin' shame.  thankfully, our friendship with our neighbors grew, just as my need for pre-fab ice grew into a full addiction.  let's face it, iced tea would not be hyped as iced tea, without the ice!  they were happy to share their fine, chunky ice cubes.....even as my needs became greater and greater.                                                                          
 






















sure, i had the occasional egg or onion and i had coffee and a new coffee maker.  we shared birthdays and cake and cupcakes and cookies with our kids.  we shared hot chocolate in the snow.....we shared  lemonade stands ......and vacuums.  random sharing.....now, that's neighborly!





we shared cleaning supplies and cleaning tips, we shared tag sale finds and held our own tag sales on cold fall days, we watched each others dogs and cats....and kids.  we were pretty familiar with each other's organization, cleaning and kid clutter issues.  we shared houses built in the same year by the same builder. we shared paint and paint colors.  we shared gardening tips and plantings.  we have respect for each other's style, each other's husbands, kids, parenting and decorating.....and we like everyone too.




one fall day, we were having coffee in my kitchen.  while waiting for the coffee to brew, we talked about our kids, our families and our latest purchases and projects. while standing near my stove, jeannie talked about the new kitchen appliances for her house, now a few miles away,





that's when jeannie offered me their oven....only a couple of years old/new, it needed a replacement piece...it was otherwise, in great condition......and much newer than mine.  mine may have come with the house, although the oven was never much of a priority for me....sadly, for my family.  we laughed while we discussed the oven.  she and her husband wanted a gas stove so, this was the opportunity to make the change.  we laughed some more. what a crazy friendship....who would think of offering a hand me down oven, other than a friend as familiar with the pecadillos of our kitchen.  we both get pleasure from making a dollar dance.
























after thinking about the prospect of an updated oven, if only for appearance, biff and i thought it was a great offer.  a newer oven, in fine working condition, needing only a new part would replace our old oven.....ours probably didn't have much life left anyway.....it was obvious....we were excited for our new "addition".  as soon as their new oven arrived, we would go pick up their old/our new one.  no shame.




and we did just that!  in october. so, here i sit, in our kitchen, with no working oven.  our own stove, that short circuited some time before thanksgiving dinner....the part for the new/old oven/ kitchen island arrived in time for christmas cookie season.....it was the wrong color.  it was black instead of white.  i'm no oven racist, it's just that it was kind of quirky to have a mismatched oven front panel.  then again, quirky is our style.



























rick, our appliance repairman, has been to our house so many times, i've started to call biff rick.  people are talking.  our relationship is on the brink....that is, with rick.  biff and i are still deeply in love,  just not well nourished with healthy dinners.  we have had to start ordering pizzas from different pizzerias....they all recognize our orders....they know our name before we offer to share.  rick isn't calling back....for the first time in our relationship.

























i had to buy a crock pot, since i just threw out the 1970's  orange floral, hand-me-down, bachelor version....you guessed it, in early october.  now everyone seems to be using crockpots....even when they have working ovens!  so here i sit, hoping my mom's recipe that i'm using, from memory, will be delicious......or at least, more homey than more pizza.
 






oh, and our friends, who used to live next door, are happy in their new home.  they've been settled in for a long time now.  they say that they moved for a little more space........more bedrooms and bigger kitchen.  maybe that's true.  they say it wasn't because they couldn't keep up with my constant need for ice, from their refrigerator, with built in ice maker.....for my summer iced tea.




although, it might be because of the early evening that i stopped by to "borrow" a pound of hamburger, no ice.

mixing them up!

shabby chic...that's me. i love style and comfortable surroundings...where family and friends can hunker in snd feel welcome.  i like to be in a house where i can feel the character of the people living there.

designer homes are lovely with color coordinated choices and fabrics, they feel too contrived.  i want to feel the warmth of the home and know the people better than generic art will allow.


i treasure the old and love the clean, crispness of the new.  i just love the history and wonder the life lived before it came to me.  i enjoy mixing up the new and the old....all in one place....and some of my most fun projects are taking the old and finding a new life for it...maybe finding a new purpose or color or addition...like new crystals....paint....and "candle cups" in place of electric connections.

i'm always moving furniture and mirrors and pillows and throws, as the seasons change or i have created something new.  there's always something that catches my eye.  i like functional....only if it's got that feeling of comfort and common sense.

i ramble on....always rambling.  whenever things get complicated and life has too much intensity...i love to find somewhere to use my creative energy....writing, doodling, decorating, painting, beading, drawing, restoring old dollhouses, modpodge and mosaaic(sp?)........and when in doubt, i paint it white! 

just love taking the little things in life...and mixing them up!

Getting creative with chicken

just cuz i'm littlemarymixup in the kichen, i like to buy rotisserie chickens......... here are some easy chicken recipes!

what can i make for dinner?

i know there are women out there who start there day with the question, "what can i make for dinner?"  i'm not one of them.  i wish i was that kind of woman.  i guess it's because of my a.d.d. kind of living. every evening, at about five or five thirty, i find myself thinking, "oh my God, it's dinner time!"  in some ways, it's kind of fun.....it's like a surprise party every day.

after college, living with roommates, we all worked to make some delicious dinners.  we had four friends from college all living in the same building, 2 of us on the 3rd floor and 2 of us on the 5th floor.  it was a walkup.....that's alot of stairs.  we were all starting out....we weren't making alot of money....we shared alot of meals...we all had recipes from home.  it was new and exciting.  we entertained alot.  i user the word entertain lightly.  i mean, we had wicker and beach chairs for the first few months.  we had an oven that set off the fire alarm everytime we broiled a hamburger.  we laughed everytime.  sometimes, one of us had money and the others didn't....we worked it out well...we had good friends and fun.  that made the meal.

one of our greatest mishap meals happened on night after work at marybeth's new, movin' on up, apartment on east 85th street...she had moved up 20 blocks and got all fancy pants with a doorman.  in our 65th street apartment, we walked through the courtyard to our door that opened to a small foyer with our mailboxes.  when our arms were full, with groceries or shopping bags, we could give a little hip check and open the inner door and start the trek to kilamanjaro. we stopped for oxygen at the third floor apartment and continued the trek onward and upward.  the fifth floor apartment was a great stop en route to tar beach, our sunny beach spot on the roof.  we were the yuppie version of "the honeymooners" television show.

marybeth and i cooked our dinners together throughout the whole summer after college.  we lived in the hamptons. we were living large....in location, not in dollars.  we made some very creative dinners.  marybeth was a major force in the shopping list department.  st that time in our lives, i was more into the cheetos, chips and miller light on the menu.  marybeth stayed on task.  so, we did eat more thatn cheetos....most of the time.

one day that summer, we got a call from our college dean of students and assistant dean of students.  they were out in the hamptons and hoping to spend the afternoon eith us at the beach in southampton. no big deal...well, kinda.  did i forget to mention that they were nuns!  yes nuns.  we went to a catholic all women's college.  granted, the nuns were cool, from wealthy, well heeled families....the "fun nuns", our parents nicknamed them, while sharing cocktails at pour parents  weekends.  they drank, they smoked and they told pope jokes.  they were like the fun aunts in the family, like auntie mame....wearing a cross....no habit, they "kicked the habit", years before.  they dressed in high style.

we were looking forward to the visit.  somehow, we had lost perspective on "casual entertaining"....although we scheduled our date with the "fun nuns", once they arrived at our cottage, we immediately became aware of our lack of fine foods for entertaining...even picnic style!  we  spent the afternoon at the beach, sharing oreos and light beer.  they have since died.....not from bad oreos and beer.....although we almost died of embarrassment!  and if they were still alive, i don't think i could have even written about our faux pa.

so, back at marybeth's new 85th street apartment, we were well beyond oreos and beer.  so we thought. by that time, we may have thought ourselves more ladylike, by drinking glasses of white wine....not to say we behaved like ladies when we drank! we worked hard to create a delicious chicken dinner.  we were getting a bit confused about how to prepare our chicken.  we debated a bit confused and a little bit desperate, we both tried to remember how our mother's made their chicken.  marybeth remembered her mother using eggs.  i remembered my mom dipping the chicken in egg and flour and baking it at 350 degrees.  did my mom bake everything at 350 degrees?


i didn't really learn how to cook from my mom.  she worked at saks fifth avenue ...thankfully, i picked up the style way better than the cooking.  she just made the dinners, my mom didn't really have the time to teach me...she was all about getting the job done.

marybeth and i waited for our fine dining experience.  we opened the oven and shrieked.....it was chicken in a bun.  we had created the perfect meal to be served at mc donalds.  i think we mixed the egg and flour!

although i have come a long way, i have a long way to go.  i have 2 ovens in our kitchen right now....neither one is working.  we have been living on lots of pasta.  we have had lots of pizzas and salads picked up.  we now have a  refrigerator full of food and i aim to get back on the cooking bandwagon.  i really enjoy the creativity of cooking.

i have lots of cookbooks.  my mom gave me the joy of cooking at my wedding shower.  inscribed inside, she wrote, "read this!  it's not just for your cookbook collection!"  i am stating today.  and just as i finish writing, "what time is it?", you ask.  it's five thirty.  what will i make for dinner?  maybe tomorrow, i'll plan.

i didn't really learn how to cook from my mom.  she worked at saks fifth avenue ...thankfully, i picked up the style way better than the cooking.  she just made the dinners, my mom didn't really have the time to teach me...she was all about getting the job done.

i have to breathe.

here i sit, first thing tuesday morning. both kids have gone on the bus to school.  it was a race to get out the door and to the bus.  we never know what the new day brings. i try to remain calm and peaceful in the organized chaos of our morning routine.  these days, i breathe a sigh of relief when the bus chugs up the hill to the next stop.

this morning, t.j. was up and ready. ready for school and the plans made for after school.  grace woke up with resistance.......resistance to the wake up....the school day....and the after school plans.  the plans for something new...something our kids have never done.  something resisted.  a great opportunity.  from the moment grace opened her eyes, she resisted and resisted and was determined to wear me down.  she exhausted herself.  i had to stay strong.  it took everything i had.

today both busses were doing their dance....as if choreographed with precision.  one bus to middle school approached....the high school bus waited and waited and waited........ while grace tore through the house, wimpering, embarrassed for holding up the bus.......pleading with me to drive her to school.
all while the bus driver sat and waited.  she begged with tears.  at that moment in time, i knew she had to get out the door.  i knew i had to sit tight and ignore her plea.  it was painful for me. it was painful for grace.  i would have done her a disservice if i hadn't stuck to plan.  this was one time where she needed to know there was no negotiation.  it was not about the bus. it was about doing what she's supposed to do.....about follow through....and about knowing she can do what she has to do.  sometimes we all have to do things we don't want to do.  it wasn't about the bus. i couldn't back down.

she stomped out the door, angry.  angry with me.....when in doubt, blame the mom.  she stomped and plodded through the snow.....in her flip flops.  i think back to earlier days.....when the flip flops would have been the issue.  we've moved on to more than flipflops in the snow.

as the lights on the bus faded away in the distance, i took a breath.  a big breath......and i cried.  it is so hard for me to be the tough one.  it would be much easier to give in.  when we, the parents, give in to some of the little things, it backfires......they try to wear us down for the bigger things.  who ever would have thought i'd have to think this way. me.  flexible me.  here i am again....tip toeing on that fine line while my sweet, angry daughter leaves flipflop prints in the snow.

the school days, when our kids had time to sit down for breakfast and were happy to start each day, are over.  i'm grateful for the fun busstop mornings....our kids were excited to run down the hill, get there early to play and laugh with friends.  saying goodbye, with a kiss, then a wave from the window with smiling faces as the big yellow bus rolled away.

today, there  is more drama....less words...more like morning mumbles.  enthusiasm is the last word  i think of to describe the attitude towards school.  enthusiasm has it's ups and downs even with friendships that have more drama at this stage.  everyone is learning as they go...learning what's acceptable in friendship, making new friends, keeping old friends or letting them go.  just like our friendships, some take more work than others.  some, we learn, are worth the effort, some are not.

this is not something we can teach. we can be there.  we can listen. we can offer advice.  mostly, our advice isn't what our kids are looking for.  it's a fine line we walk everday, as parents.  they are trying to be independent....they don't want to share as much...they think we don't understand...they think these problems of adolescence are new.  we know they're just the same, with new complications.

if only.  if only they knew how much we want to be there for them.......as they go down this road of bumps and hurdles.  in one breath, they want us.  one more, they don't want us.  we walk a fine line...it is my biggest challenge.  some days, i can be there for our kids and they welcome my presence.  other days, my presence can make them cringe.

this is my challenge lately....every day....sometimes, before anyone walks out the door.  i have to breathe.

Grocery Store Musical

no wonder why i'm exhausted.

a new day.  everyday is a fresh start.  i don't hold grudges or hang on to old hurts because it wastes my energy and makes me kind of cranky.  i hate cranky...it makes me more cranky.  as a kid, i used to pout....somehow, i thought it would get me somewhere.  it never did.  i thought it would get me attention....i ended up an outsider.  somewhere in my 20's, i caught on.  the pouting thing just didn't work.  as i told our kids,  " if you're mad and feel like pouting, just go to another room and come back when you're ready...nobody will invite you back.  when you're pouting, nobody wants to play and  you'll miss out on all of the fun."

i still feel that way.  it took me almost 20 years to catch on, but what a freedom that was.  why waste my time.....and energy.  sometimes stuff, in the world of a mom with kids, can suck the energy right out me, like a high powered hoover.  highs and lows.  every hour. even after almost 15 years of being a mom, i am caught by surprise when i feel as deflated as a 2 day old birthday balloon.

i do my best.  i try to keep myself together. i try to keep my husband and i together, just to keep the fun and lovin' alive!  i try to keep the kids together.  i try to keep the dogs together...i try to keep the cats together.  i try to keep our house together.  i try to keep all of our lives together.

and try is the word.  some moms just do it, like nike.   some just seem to do it all and do it all well.  maybe "seem" is the key word.  just sayin.

i just plain try.  but, like a bad country song, whining on and on, "i guess i can't do it good...ain't nothin good enough.... i got dust bunnies in the dining room and a stove that don't work, my cat brought a field mouse in and the kids think i'm a jerk."  and that's just since they got off the bus.

"sometimes i try too hard and can't keep up no more....i want them kids to pack their bags and head for the door.....we done our best, it's time to rest, send em on their way......until i find my love's so big, i want them back to stay."  and that's just since their teens.

i love them. i just don't always like them. they are the most loving, wonderful kids in the world.  until they're not.  then again, i'm so proud that they are truly good, deep down, good loving, funny kids.  they are incredibly smart and fun to be with.  until they're not.

i try to tell them how much i love them. i tell them.   i tell them how good they are.  i try to tell them  how proud i am of them.  i tell them. i tell them that they are smart and that they have good instincts and common sense.  i am sincere. on and on and on. they argue.  they tell me it's not true....they say that i don't love them.  they tell me i don't really think they are good kids.........they tell me that i just make it up. they tell me that it's not true.

and i wonder why i am exhausted.

they tell me for days that we have no food to eat.  there is nothing in the house.  they are starving.  they are thirsty.  they ask if we are poor.  i like to let the food dwindle down every once in awhile.....we have so much.  we let so much go to waste.  they plead. they seem faint and weak.....and moaning.  i am tempted to sing that same song our parents sang to us...."don't you realize that there are children in_____starving to death!"  i hold back.

i hold back alot.  it takes alot of self control to be a sensitive new age parent!  i'm not in "everyone gets a medal!" club, but i have certainly done my very best to hold back from random, thoughtless words.

biff and i have both worked very hard to hold back from harsh words.....with our kids and each other. ya know, never go to bed angry.....never use words as weapons and all that.  i think that's how we still keep the love alive.

so, today, since i had reached my own limit of bare shelves and limited lunch supplies and creativity was waning, i took the plunge and went to the grocery store. i had that grocery cart so full, that one of the men in the dairy department basically cut me off from more shopping.  maybe it was the eggs and yogurt teetering on top of the bananas and the gallons of milk rolling out from under the grocery cart that made him wince.  i'll tell you, i've been "cut off" in pubs during rowdy college days, but i've never been "cut off" at a grocery store.  does this mean i've hit a bottom?

i met another mom at the grocery store that had reached her shopping limit.  she said she was exhasuted, had no energy left and was looking forward to going home to crash.  another exhausted soul, deflated by the ups and downs of motherhood.  

i got home, with bags and bags of groceries.  after many trips back and forth to the car, i stood in the kitchen with the family....unpacking the overflowing bags of  food so that our children could go back to eating us out of house and home.  after making it to the store, through the store and home in record time, i was breathless and proud of my hard work....hunting and gathering....preparing meals for the week.  i even handled the deli counter  and the meat department....that was huge.

just as there was a pause in the frenzy and excitement of the food reviews, i heard a teen voice say, " oh my God, why did you buy so much food.  this is more than we can eat in a month!"



oops.  i forgot the dog food.  now, the dogs will be cranky.

no wonder why i'm exhausted.