what a beautiful walk biff and i had with the dogs yesterday evening! it was truly awesome.  the balmy breeze down on the beach was lovely, the peaceful sounds of sea gulls above and sand pipers along the shoreline  and the colors of the beach grasses and the sky were spectacular!  

our walk was wonderful.  the dogs are happy at anytime to get a walk at the beach and so am i.  biff and i enjoy where we live.  we really do.  

after most of the summer on the cape with friends, we come home and we live in a place that people visit for vacation!  a blessing for all of us....we know that and we appreciate that!

in the woods with the dogs, in town with the dogs or on the beach with the dogs....life is good!  we have always loved to get out and explore.  the dogs help us to explore more places....sometimes more than we bargain for....in people's backyards, garages and cars!  

the beach i have in the photos above is one of our favorites...with the dogs.  they are free to run.  there are no houses.  it's a little peninsula.  with fitz that means unless she swims away from us, she won't leave us.  sadly or happily, she is a golden who hasn't mastered her swimming classes yet!

we walked and talked and laughed at the dogs...and as always, we laughed at ourselves.  it's always such fun for us to have the little moments together. although, we would love to get more moments....maybe longer moments... as in moments with just the 2 of us at a wonderful location!  

have i let my mind wander?  oh! we are just happy to get any time alone together!  we still have fun.....we still love each other....and better yet, we still love each other!  best of all, we still make each other laugh.

ahhhhh romance!  gotta love those moments.  they do matter.  it's like recharging a phone for a good connection...we need a charge too.

in no time, we were back. .... to reality. we saw lightning and heard some thunder.  we took our sweet, smelly, set dogs to the car and let them jump in...thankfully we had the newly cleaned mats in.  we called the kids to say we'd be home.  we decided to make a quick stop at stop and shop.

ahhh romance! that's when we know that we're living on the edge!  woohoo!  livin' and lovin' in aisle 7, peanut butter!  we thought we would get a movie and ended up with the week's groceries.  i have to admit, we had a lot of fun!  we had done so much during the day, we were sure we wanted to stay in with a movie...but stop and shop!  that was a bonus date!

and what did we get...it is summer...it's barbeque season...even though we love barbeque all day long.....this is the fun part!

and who could resist?

sunday morning. quiet. sitting with my coffee. daisy and fitzy sleeping by my side. sounds of summer.  happy the kitten, sleeping on the chair. jinx, the black kitty pads by.   an occasional car driving by, the leaves on the trees as a slight wind blows them.  then, the breeze through the house, with the windows open. a cacaphony of sweet chirping and tweeting. quiet.

and then...DROID.D.D.....that's my new phone. finally, after all of the hand me downs. you remember the pink one.  there was the black one,   that landed in a cup of coffee that was carefully placed in the car's  cup holder.....ironically on the way to the beach, where my phones usually meet their demise.  oh! let's not forget about the hand me down phone that was from t.j.! that was aptly named "the magic phone"....because it had survived 3 months outside under the leaves, rain, cold, even lawn mowing the day we found it.  

we brought that phone in, tried c.p.r., but settled with inserting the phone into a bag of rice overnight, then baking it in the oven at 225 for 10 minutes and waiting with bated breath to see if it would survive.  it did.  hence, the name. 

there were others.  others with less dramatic endings.  like, water damage.  i used to have hope for the water damaged phones.  like a trip to the emergency room,we would take the phone up to the verizon store, sit and wait for our name to be called, tell our traumatic experience to the attending on duty......and hope....with everything we had.  we would plead. we would blurt out how we had cared for the phone,  we anxiously await their response.  we were desperate.  we wanted the phones to hang on until our next free upgrade...in a month...even two weeks. sadly, we would note the expression of the attending.  keep trying, we would beg.  that's when we always heard the same response.  with a cold and distant look in their eyes, they would calmly state, "water damage."  if we tried to plea our case, they would repeat again and again, "water damage."  that was all.  the end.  nothing would change.  "water damage" was the end.  final answer. do not pass go, do not collect $200., dead end, The End.

now, i have the phone with internet.  it helps me stay connected to my e-bay....allowing updates.  it will help me on the cape. i will be able to have access to all of my important information...so, i can continue my business while away!  very cool.

one thing about my free upgrade....it may offer me everything i need.  it may send me to the moon.  it may get me a cup of coffee.  but, it's tough.  biff made sure that i got the bullet proof casing. oh sure, they had the hot pink cover....the one i wanted.  but, no. the family didn't think i could handle that.  they insisted.  i had to have the big and clunky, bullet proof, secret service model.  uggghhhh.   not as cute.  it certainly doesn't have the look of my barbie set.  the phone, the little laptop or my cute camera.

and, in a moment of peaceful bliss, it drones on, "DROID"....like i'm on the moon and the robot is calling.  i love the droid.  i love what it does for me.  it is amazing how the world keeps advancing in technology.

we can send a man to the moon...but, why can't my droid just leave me alone....when i'm having my quiet time?

Dave Matthews Band - Funny the Way It Is

Dave Matthews Band - You & Me

Dave

dave matthews was in connecticut last weekend!  i know this because i live with grace.  she loves dave matthews.  we have "dave" in our house, on our computers, in our car and on random i-pods we travel with.  grace has given us dave.

in the beginning, i was vaguely aware of dave.  

claire, our niece, is the one responsible for bringing dave into our lives.  claire>grace> us. he became more and more in demand...for grace.  the rest of us were hearing dave in the back round of our own lives.  

 

dave did not impress t.j.  dave was o.k. for me.  i just didn't need another man in my repertoire.  he was just there, neither here nor there.

biff had no opinion regarding dave.  he could enjoy him. he could see why people liked dave. dave was o.k.

we're the family who enjoys music. lots of different kinds of music. we love exposing our kids to music in different venues with a variety of singers and bands with myriad styles.  we're the parents who played music to our babies...before they got here. 

we have listened to dave in the distance.  we have listened to dave while grace has belted  out every word of every song in every room in our house. at first, t.j. would shout out, "grace...please stop singing...GRACE! please stop singing!" grace was shocked when he would BEG her to stop.  

he's told his friends about her unending singing.  he can hardly take a car ride with dave and grace.we've had grace go up and sing in her room. didn't work. once the weather warmed up, t.j. complained that he could still hear grace belting out dave.  it seems that while she was upstairs belting it out, her window was open.  t.j. was in the family room with the windows open. she belted and echoed it throughout the neighborhood!

t.j. couldn't get away!  personally, i love to hear grace sing.  she has a great voice.  she's always happy when she's singing. the music has been growing on me. what's not to like?

grace began to share her music with us.  she began telling us about dave...sharing dave. more and more, dave began to creep into our daily life.  biff, t.j. and i began to like dave.  we began to ask grace more about dave. 

months ago, grace got word that dave would be in connecticut.  we had to get tickets.  we HAD to go. great idea.  we would all go.  t.j. was o.k. with it...not thrilled.  as time went on, t.j. began to enjoy dave.  i began to listen a bit more to grace's songs by dave.

after we discussed the dave concert,  grace went to school.  for days, grace would come home with another friend who wanted to join us.  we were happy to take a friend.  

as time went on, our family concert  outing began to grow. we were taking grace, t.j. and 4 girls.  that would mean 2 cars.  one small event turned into a convoy!

we had heard stories.  we heard about dave concerts.  our kids were young but they knew music. 

we spoke to all of the parents.  we knew that they knew about dave concerts.  we discussed concert etiquette and our rules for this outing!

grace loves planning and coordinating!  funny, so do i!  most of this was taken care of, by grace.  biff and i talked to the parents.  t.j. didn't care about taking friends.

the cars were biff and t.j.  and me, grace, hannah, kiley, eliza and becca.  grace was rushing me.  we had to hurry.  we didn't want to be late. we had to get there. we had to go.  i ran out to the car.  biff was giving a lecture to my passengers regarding our rules.  they had heard the same from their parents.  we were happy to enforce the rules.  when biff was finished, i think they had a pretty good idea that if there was any problem at all...we would leave them there and their parents could retrieve them...or something scary enough along those lines.

i got out to the car.  with the keys.  biff and t.j. were in biff's car...ready to go.  i started up my car. 

grace looked over at me and said, "mom, your shirt's on inside out."  i said i would be right back. a mad dash into the garage allowed me to switch the shirt around...speed style.  i ran back to the car.

i again buckled my seat belt.  i put the car in reverse.  everyone was chatting. we were all excited. before i began rolling, becca called out to me, "mrs. biff, your shirt is on inside out!"  again, like superman, i ran and did a quick change. i double checked.  i was o.k.

i got back into the car and told becca that i loved her!  that's just the beginning of our concert fun!

happy memorial day and thanks to all of our veterans who have taken care of us all and risked their lives to save ours.  memorial day is one of my favorites....the parade, the veterans reflection on the green, the red, white and blue and the barbeques.

tonight, biff and i are taking 6 teens to the dave matthews concert.  grace first learned aobut dave matthews from claire, her cousin.  we all love music.  although t.j. never cared for "dave" .....he had "dave" grow on him....all of us, in this house have had many intimate moments with "dave" playing in the back round!  wait! i meant intimate, in the everyday family time kind of intimate!  dave has played throughout the house during moments of laughter, stress, tears and joy.  dave travels with us on family road trips, after school on the way to lacrosse games, he is even on grace's ringtone!  he's family.

all that we can hope is that we come home with the same number of kids that we left home with!  we have "lawn" tickets...we are hoping that we'll be in a crowd of people who aren't pot heads or lord knows what else.  either way, we all know that this will be a "teachable moment"....we've already had many conversations about the variety of people who go to "Dave" concerts...even claire has put the 

word out!  we have 4 girls sleeping over after the concert.  again, better at our house....we're always happy to have our house be the destination.  

then, memorial day will begin...in my  mind.  we have washed the sail boat...and if we're lucky, we can get it down to the beach before tomorrow.  that's a dream. the weather is beautiful but the water is still pretty chilly!

sadly, memorial day is the time that the dogs get shut out of our little beach....at least on weekends.  we are not able to "sneak" happy, wagging, loud, wet, smelly and beautiful goldens down to the beach very easily.  covert operations is not a likely career for daisy and fitzy.

it is still fitzy's dream to host a barbeque of her own down at the beach.  she loves a good barbeque.  her idea of good isn't what ours would be.  her favorite barbeque is when little kids are there and drop their hamburgers and there hot dogs roll off their plates...now that's a GREAT BARBEQUE!  

i still love the memorial parade. it was my first parade that i ever marched in. i was a brownie and there was no one prouder, wearing white cotton gloves. special memories.  i still love that parade in the town where i grew up.  

happy memorial day.  it's the beginning of summer....at least, on our connecticut shoreline! 

my mom used to say, "like with like."  today was a like with like day.  everything i had to get done around the house seemed to involve playing the like with like game.

grace is hoping for some friends to sleep over tomorrow night...the perfect motivation for cleaning her room!  a mother's dream.

yesterday afternoon, 91 degrees at our house in connecticut....it's only memorial day.  it was lovely....while i had the dogs at the beach with a friend for a puppy play date! really, it's an excuse to have a little get together and chat about life with kids and laugh about parenting.

no matter what the parenting style, no matter who the child is, no matter how much of a rocket scientist or how much of a slacker or plain ol' genius, which is the category most moms find their children .....we know each others kids for lots of years, so there is no room for pretending.  we know.  we know the real story.  we have seen it for real.  after many years, i am grateful to know a mom who genuinely loves our kids and knows how much i care about her kids and mostly all kids....they all need us...

last week, while on our way to school after the dramatic "shotgun"events, we had a girl driving a red jeep cherokee...she was tailgating me.  the road to school has a 25mile and hour speed limit.  it was upsetting to see this girl, a high school girl....a relatively new driver, speeding on her way to school!  

i asked the kids if they knew who she was.  i was amazed that  the red cherokee girl was continuing her tailgate party at 7 in the morning!

grace knew who the cute girl was.  i was upset...just thinking of a new driver being so reckless.  i know i sound like "oh, these kids today"...that's not it.  i just care.  if that was my grace or my t.j., i would want someone to tell me. it could mean a difference in a family's life...literally.

biff and i had just talked about this.  parents have to care.  care for all kids, not just their own.  if everyone cares, it may just make a difference to the next generation...corny, but true.  i've always felt that it's important to be nice to every kid...even if some make us crazy....just because it's like we are a representative of the "adult" world.  maybe we can make a difference.  who knows.

t.j. got the address while looking out the back window.  grace popped it into my phone.  just in case.  it could make a difference.

on our way to the regatta saturday morning, we saw a police speed trap on the same road as the red jeep cherokee girl.

i slowed down to say hello to the lieutenant and say thanks for watching for the speeders.  we live right near this road and it's a constant concern...speeders.  everyone is in a hurry.

as we said our hellos and spoke of speeding i asked him if it was o.k. to give him the license plate of the young jeep cherokee driver...we told him we didn't want her to get in trouble.  we just wanted her to be safe.  we truly hoped that she could get the point.  not criticism, just caution.

the lieutenant understood exactly what we meant.  he was happy to make a note and speak to red jeep cherokee and her parents.  his feeling was that it's better to tell the parents now rather than have it on our conscience if we ever heard something had happened to the red jeep cherokee girl.

that was that.  we had a family discussion about speeding and driving safety.  we can only pray that our kids will drive safely when their day comes.

we drove off to the regatta. first thing sunday morning we went down to the beach to for the regatta...biff was taking his bike...for the exercise...he left a few minutes later.

while he was getting the dogs settled, he noticed a town police car driving down our street.  he thought about what a nice small town community feeling we still have.  he thought it was nice to know the police still do patrols through neighborhoods.  he started out to his bike...and had a moment of panic...the lieutenant  had pulled the police truck into the driveway!  he was walking up the driveway  and waved to biff.  like any good citizen, biff was terrified!

the lieutenant approached and said to biff, "you won't believe this!"  biff was still frozen.  the lieutenant was beaming.  "i had just set up my speed trap."  shaking his head and smiling, he started again, "the first car......the FIRST CAR!"

biff was still puzzled but polite.  lieutenent d. said, "it was her!  unbelieveable! the red jeep cherokee!  that high school girl was the first one out there this morning!  i didn't even get to stop by the house to tell her parents! "

the lieutenant and biff were amazed.  biff told the lieutenant that he was absolutely amazed....then he said, "but, that's my wife.  things like that happen when she's involved!"

he saved the best for last, "guess what?  she was clocked at 42 miles per hour.....in a 25!" 

that was awesome...and he wasn't on the hunt for her...she drove right into his speed trap!  it was meant to be.  someone was meant to slow her down....only this was priceless.  even the cop was amazed.  just like i said to biff on our first date.....while trying to get  a difficult bite of food into my mouth....i was struggling...biff noticed and we laughed...."stick around," i said.  this is only the beginning!

stick around! it's all true.

Claire Murray on Nantucket

t.j. had a poster for spanish class that was apparently VERY IMPORTANT because he suggested that i drive him to school since his poster was so precious....and grace  was delighted to join since her school was right next door. 

of course.  any mother worth her weight in salt would be thrilled to have a child so proud of his work!  i had to respect that.

UNTIL my sweet teens began to fight over who had "shotgun"....yup!  it still matters.  still.  when the pilgrims came over on the mayflower, after years and years, they are still doing the alternate plan....you go there and i'll take it home. only this morning, there was a dispute over who had been in "shotgun" last.  yes, a discussion ensued. no big deal.

no big deal until, grace would not budge. t.j. was calling her names...loudly....back and forth...stomping. back and forth.  did i say loud?  I meant VERY LOUD! on our quiet  street, i might call it EXTREMELY LOUD!  did i mention that it was 7:00 in the morning.  if i had just let them take the bus.

you would think after a minute that the games would be called off.  NOPE.  not with our little "donkey krauts"...that's what biff calls our variety of child....with and irish/german mix....irish/german = stubborn X 2 = VERY STUBBORN, but very cute when they're getting along...which is often...not very often since they've become teens....but, i'll settle with often. i know they'll get back....in at least 10 years or so.

i might not have minded there bickering...i was peaceful.  i had the car running. i sat and waited for them to work it out....tic tic tic tic.  nope. this called for intervention. i was tired...i took a breath and began. "get in the car t.j.".....NO it's my 

TURN!  TELL HER to get OUT!

it continued a bit longer.  THEN i did it! i cracked.  i used my mother's thing...i  used "the clench" and "the voice"...the combo platter!  i only use it in a time crunch....and when i feel that there is a chance of my children freezing in place....stubborn freeze....it started way back....when we had to pull our kids away from the mini-merry go rounds at supermarkets when i only had 1 quarter for 2 kids...usually at the most inopportune moment...when we had to be somewhere.

i like to stay calm....after all, it was only the front seat!  it wasn't a trip cross country.  it was just more than a mile....they've ridden their bikes.

"the clench" is a touch of locust valley lockjaw.  l.v.l.j., my friend

 sue used to call it. it goes like this....clench, grit and talk. like. this. would. you. GET.

in. the. CAR. NOW. with em-PHA-SIS on the last syllable...unless it is at the end of a statement...then there is em-PHA-SIS on the last 2 syllables. 

 

 

they seem to recognize "the clench"...it's when i use the grit that they look puzzled...or terrified.  i don't like to use it often.  i don't.  i don't let them rile me...if i did, i'd never "win."  the mom and dad have to WIN!   the whole parenting world will crumble and the kids would rule the world....we have a responsibility.  to the world.  and to our life.

in the middle of the "clench" and "the grit".....which took place after the big loud booming name calling began........i became aware that our  neighbor, the quiet and friendly  congregational minister of the church on the green......husband and father of 2 who have long been off on their own.....living in one of those quiet houses with no shoes at the door or socks or backpacks or sand from the beach.

he was out on his front lawn with his little dog....not the big friendly goldens like we have      (read> fitzy, who has run through their back door at full speed, stopping in the kitchen, only to look for food, then continued  through to the front door and out and back towards our kitchen....that was their welcome wagon. read> friendly like daisy who runs to say hello after rolling in a muddy puddle...and shakes her muddy water over his nicely ironed khakis)..............he was peacefully pondering his gardens when i noticed him. i was mid "clench"....i was tightly "gritting" and i had just raised my volume for effect....slow and steady, that's how i roll!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

that's when "the clench" and "the grit" began.  "GET IN NOW OR I WILL MAKE YOU BOTH WALK!"  ......that's when i had to keep clenched and be quiet. i waited. i waited. i waited. i won.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

henry ford never mentioned this.... moments after he finished his  outrageous invention, he took it for a test drive......he drove home....pulled into the driveway....left the car running......called out to the family.....they all came running out to see the car........THAT's when  the "shotgun" wars began....right then and there.  i think it was shortly after that......he invented the ford country squire.....with the "WAY BACK"....just to avoid the "shotgun wars."

 

 

 

 

 

*******************************

i am blessed to know a big bunch of recovering alcoholics. biff and i have had lots of exposure to the disease....through the years working with lots of different people....myriad friends and family along the way.  first of all, i'm irish!  second of all, they tell me that they are 1 in 4!  wow. guess what?  i hardly had a clue that some of the people i love were struggling.  they "NEEDED" a drink!  third of all, they all say that they had signs, personal sign posts or warnings along the way....accidents, blackouts, D.U.I.s or missed work among the many.

different people.  different places.  different things. circumstances. wall street guys with families and big houses in beautiful towns with lots of beautiful kids....friends, who had to have a couple glasses of wine after work and kept drinking into the night......an old friend from my hometown who started drinking when her kids went to kindergarten.....a guy that was drinking since high school when it was fun with friends and now his friends have moved on to other successful worlds......a friend who has taught at the finest universities in the country who couldn't write a paper unless she had "a few".......as we've all gotten older, we hear lots more!  and now...we've had sadness of knowing some who just couldn't make it "one day at a time."

for years....they drank and drank...until they just woke up sick and tired.  they tell me that they were "tired of being sick and tired", some had family who did interventions and some who had a day that really scared them...realizing the affect it was having on family who loved them.  they tell me that their life was becoming "unmanageable" and they couldn't hide their "secret" anymore.

way back when, we all did....now, as time goes on, some can't stop!  for real...CAN'T STOP!  wow. now that's what i call a disease. 

the coolest part of all....their lives sober than they ever could have imagined!  there lives are healthy with healthy friends.  they have more energy.  they have more time in the day to be active.  they say drinking stole their lives away....drinking took up lots of time and energy.  they have fun.  they have faith.  their friends can enjoy them now.

some people feel sorry for  recovering alcoholics. ironically, the recovering person feels sorry for them.  the drinkers think it's too bad their friends and family "can't" drink anymore.  the sober are so grateful their life is so great that they have an"the attitude of gratitude."

now, that's someone i want to be around.  someone who is grateful. someone who makes the best of any situation. someone who doesn't judge.  someone who is accountable for their behavior. someone who looks at problems as a challenge.  someone who's honest with nothing to hide.

"one day at a time" sounds pretty good to me....not too overwhelming...a little bit at a time....baby steps....mom....taking care of our babies/kids/teens.......if i thought about how much there is to parenting too much, i'd be overwhelmed. 

i'd rather be grateful, thankful and take it one day at a time......even if it's my blog.  everything is easier...one step at a time. 

that's how i'll write the blog and

let's see how that goes. i think i'll be happier....enjoy it more...have more fun....so will the people around me!  thanks to the many friends and family who have shared their healthy way of living! 

.....and prayers everyday for the people we know who struggle with this hideous disease....and the people loved and lost from this vicious disease. may they find comfort in sobriety and a healthy way of living.  one day at a time.  this blog's for them.

not quite as simple but....it seems that lots of  recovering people work at seeing how to find the solution rather than dwelling on the problem.

i can learn from that!  i'm still open to any help or chance to learn along the way.....to oversimplify the recovering lifestyle.....if life gives you lemons, make lemonade.

one post at a time

my style.  i love to write.  it's much more concise when talking with friends. when i write on this blog, i write too much.  i know it rambles and since i've had my e-bay store it has been rambling more and more...and more. it's time.  time management.  life. life management. me. me management.

when i began life with new babies, i had to work out time...time management according to the babies. now according to the teens, independent as they are, i still have to work my time management around them. 

family, kids me and miscellaneous life. miscellaneous life now consists of me working....on my my blog and on my store. 

my blog was fun to write at first. since my e-bay store, i've had to work hard to do e-bay well.  i see growth in my store.  i don't see growth in my blog.  friends read it...some others do. it's not reader friendly...it's rambling....the writing  needs effort and time.

no one has time. life is busy.  after thinking whether or not to continue...i realized that it will be very good to simplify.

i've decided to write shorter and more concise posts with short stories of my funny real life moments....the real reason for the name of the blog!  hence, "littlemarymixup", the name my mom so fondly called me!

it's the little things.  it's everyday life stuff. it's the funny people i meet stuff.  it's the dogs' stuff.  just stuff. everyday stuff.

that was my plan. initially, committed to writing every day, i was proud of myself  for following through.

now, i feel like jack of all trades....master of none because i love it all!  it's just not good for me.....probably not so good for any one reading....yawn.

so, i'll try it. simply. maybe i'll be more enthusiastic once i simplify. maybe others will enjoy it more.....if it's not written like war and peace. too big a commitment to sit down and read?  ya think? i do.  i'm boring myself and i just hate when that happens.

so, we'll see how it goes....i guess if you're out there reading this, you can be the judge.  i judge myself well enough, thanks.

as the famous a.a. slogan says, "one day at a time."  if an alcoholic, desperately trying to get sober  from a tumultuous disease, can do this "one day at a time" thing....i guess i can give it a go.  some of the recovered people that i know have told me that they had to take it one hour at a time! i'll take it one post at a time.

joe! today was the first day of the joe hobie cat regatta.

while at the dinner tonight, some of the folks were saying that it felt different tonight...something was different...it just seemed a tiny bit subdued...the food was great...the sailors were happy...the  sailing friends had fine stories to compare after a day of sailing on a windy, chilly spring day, many of the characters were the same....families who sail together....dads who sail...kids who sail....some home from college...some younger...family who have been a part of the kids' sailing "careers"...joe's family... and lots more friends.

 the same people....with the same passion for sailing, the same community of sailors ....the same beach.....the same family...the same friends....some new sailors who had come into their own and were ready to take on a race...some non sailors who were there to share the excitement of the big race that is now an annual event.  it was a pleasure to see everyone back down at the beach....after a long, cold winter....folks who were enthusiastic to see familiar faces and longtime friends and kids who had grown inches since sailing back on labor day.

we all sat at our large round table  with the large white tablecloth and paper plates filled with ziti parmesan and chicken florentine and green salad with italian dressing and white plastic knives and forks and thin white paper napkins... big blue plastic cups filled with sprite and coca cola and orange drink in the big white house with the wood floors , white walls and high ceilings and damp air pouring in the open glass doors....while this years slide show randomly popped up photos of the race on a laptop computer over on the counter against the wall near the sodas...with some standing around talking in random groups....the same  rectangle folding table with a large white tablecloth and different desserts this year.  everyone at the  table had stories  to tell.....about the winter...about our kids, the sailing, the winter, their lives back in their hometown or some year rounders telling of flooding last month....kids talked about college sailing teams....and college life...and plans for this summer.  then, someone quietly mentioned reflectively that this year felt different....we all thought for a minute....that's when it dawned on me! "if joe were here, tonight would be different!" i blurted.  one of the guys thoughtfully responded...."that's true...but if joe was here, we wouldn't be here because we wouldn't be having his race!"

we all chuckled.  we had to laugh.  joe would have loved that.  we missed him, it was different without joe as it had been for the last two years down at our sailing beach....joe would have had some smart alec quip for me after saying that....it all seemed so ironic that because joe wasn't here....it seemed a bit subdued...people were tired after a long day of sailing...exhausted actually. the idea that this event was all happening because our big teddy bear of a man with an even bigger booming voice and a different color tee shirt for each day of the week  for each session of sailing classes and a big brimmed sun hat with a cord to tie it down to his balding head  and scruffy beard that was gently going grey and a wildly patterned bathing suit and a well worn life jacket and sandals and a generic town issued clip board and at all times, a  keen knowledge of the caliber of his sailors on hand  and the stern voice barking out demands of each one and a stern voice of a leader  who didn't want to have to get "pissed off" enough to have to curse and be forced to get even louder because of someone's ignorance, stupidity, laziness, ineptness, sloppiness.....and he had a gasket waiting to be blown if there was any wiseguy  attitude, entitled attitude, cocky attitude, spoiled rotten brat demeanor, disrespectful tone,

and an even keener eye and greater sensitivity to know just who to put on each boat and with who based on personality, skill, boat, requests  and some choice words were truly respected because after one afternoon out on a boat solo for the first  for anyone who didn't follow his orders....or just plain bothered him due to lack of sincerity.  he knew each one of "his kids" and knew exactly what their personalities were, what they could handle and how capable each one was, how far he could push them, how much he could depend on them or not.

a man who never spoke a soft word in his life, i  can't say that he spoke softly but carried a big stick!  his big barking kept everyone jumping and

for a man with a big bark and an intimidating style, joe had the respect of most.  no matter what, everyone was clear about one thing.....joe knew sailing and he knew it well  no matter who, what, where or when, joe knew everyone and knew how to network people better than anyone else.  he knew big guys, little guys, rich guys, poor guys, dreamers, achievers, school kids, moms and dads, families and sailing buddies!  he always knew where to send everyone with any boat problem or concern  and he knew where to get a boat, what type was best for you and who had one for sale!

joe was there....always there to help and make things happen.  even if he had to yell   or rant and rave, he would be over it as soon as he finished barking.  then he was on to the next thing...or maybe he'd buy everyone ice cream. then he'd settle down and sit and laugh and tell sailing stories...and all of the new kids and friends of kids would know that joe was the man who cared about them....really cared.  he cared enough to be real.  he told the kids the truth. he didn't coddle.  he didn't have the sensitive new age lingo that the kids have in school....where everyone is a "winner", everyone gets a medal, teachers have to be politically correct....maybe joe was the best thing that ever happened to us all....just because he was real.  he had the honesty and told everyone just what he thought....and then he would tell a kid how to improve...simply.  he bothered to criticize or remark on a kid's attitude.  maybe the world would be different if we had more guys like joe!  kids, grown ups....it didn't matter...joe told em like it was.  some were appalled...some were terrified....but joe was honest and he made a difference because of that honesty.  like a big bear...but a big soft bear.  now, that's comfort...that's safety...that's goodness....that's real....that's joe.  we all loved him.....very much!  and we respected his honesty...even if it hurt!  then we knew what had to be fixed! joe could fix anything on a boat...or he would know someone who could...no strings attached...he was connected....just because he knew people...he was a good guy that people had fun with.  he had respect...from so many....we miss him. this weekend everyone sailed for him...in honor of him.....that's cuz joe taught us all how to be better sailors!  he changed lives.  really, he changed lives....one sailor at a time.

a passionate sailor who was even more passionate about sharing the passion and empowering each sailor to challenge themselves and believe in their skills and push each sailor to their next "best" and give them hell when they did something "stupid!"  and the day i was sailing the sailboat right towards the committee boat, the power boat that he used during the sailing classes.....as i approached out of control....very out of control.....joe bellowed at me  and he may have been heard all the way across the long island sound, "MAMA MIA!!!!" and he continued some other fine words...and blasted me with orders to push or pull the tiller, let out the sail or let out the jib!  whatever it was that he  barked at me, he directed me away from my potential crash...and allowed me to almost swipe it instead!  then, his sailor words began to sail across the sound.  

i had nervous laughter....even though he bellowed and was crazy mad that i had done something so mixed up. and out of control...ironically, whenever he yelled at me, ii knew it was yelling because he cared and he wanted me to be a better sailor!  he knew i could do it.  he pushed me and pushed me to dare to try again and again! 

he may have been big and loud and sunburned and frustrated and bothered....but if i laughed and shouted back at him, he seemed to respect that more than if i had cowered at his bark!  then, he would come back and have some very funny comments about my mistakes....he would shout out more and make sure everyone  understood just what the mistake was!  not to shame me....but to keep everyone aware of how to stay on course.   joe was  sensitive and a gentle giant!

he was like a piece of sea glass on the shore....


seaglass is always  a surprise.  walking along the beach, we see rocks, broken a variety of shells, pebbles of all shapes, sizes  and colors driftwood, an occasional  horseshoe crab  that are delivered to the edge of the  water as it continues lapping or crashing on the shore.  everyday brings something different.  everyday brings something beautiful.  then, as you walk looking at the shoreline and ....**POP**....a beautiful bright color appears on the sandy beach! there are millions of pebbles and shells and then *POOF*...it catches your eyes!  each sharp piece of glass has been  softened by the tossing and turning, rolling and rumbling of the surf!  when you spot it, it's like a gift...a gift made by the natural changes of having something so sharp have the time.....in that big beautiful ocean.....to have turned that broken glass into a softened, mellowed and sweet piece of sea glass that is like artwork.  you may pick it up...quick! before the next wave takes it away....and you miss your chance!  you catch your sea glass...just because the color jumped out at you from the mix of beach life....and once you see a piece, your day is brighter....a little gem to savor and enjoy.  take it home....keep it where you can delight in the colors all together .....from different beaches....different times...different weather.  one piece of beautiful sea glass can be a surprise while we walk on the beach!  it's like a gem....you only find those gems every once in awhile.  when you find it, you just have to save it...because it made a difference. it was a surprise, it was special....there was no piece of sea glass like another....individual beauties...all sizes and shapes and colors and textures....each with a different origin....and it is worth saving and savoring the goodness and the bright color that caught your eye!  it was different than the other stuff on the beach! 

sea glass....just like joe!

just sent a fb note to an old friend...who just had her "little girl" graduate from high school!

i realized that i was writing and it was like my post on bloggy land

it's so amazing to think that hadley is going off to college!  grace is a freshman...t.j. is 8th...the other night we were at grace's spring concert..for chorus....i was looking at her friends and having little flashbacks of them as 1st graders, 4th graders...on and on...the ones that played dress up at our house...the ones at birthday parties...you know, the kodak moments....at the end, they showed a slide show of the seniors...photos of them since freshman year!

i had tears in my eyes...just thinking how fast it goes.  i'm so grateful that i've tried to be "present" and really enjoy our life and staying home with them....although as early teens, they don't love spending too much time with me! 

they don't like my singing...grace tells me when i've chosen a icky shade of lipstick if the color's a tad off!  so funny.  t.j. doesn't like my singing.  he says i love the dogs more than the kids!

after the slide show, they called each senior to the front of the stage and they announced what college they were going to attend....i was practically in tears....realizing that grace is a freshman and how fast it all goes...speedy fast!  t.j's graduating from 8th grade this year! i feel like it was one minute ago that they graduated from montessori!

the nice thing for you is.....i've been seeing some old friends' status posts on fb....the ones with college kids post things like------------the kids are coming home this weekend!.....  can't wait to see the kids...
the kids brought home ALL of their laundry!.....we've been eaten out of house and home!......i have been so happy to see that and to see how exciting it is for everyone to get them back home! that's a nice thing to see!  

i like stories of life happenings...especially, when i can relate...or they make me laugh...really hits a funny bone because it's some quirky thinkg that happens to others...it makes me laugh when i think someone has actually thought like me!

when i talk to my friends and family, there's alot more to our talk than the stories and the stuff i share...funny, unfunny, whatever.

it must be meant to be..again..the blog post has been lost. i keep having that happen...i'm not sure that the blog is meant to be.  i like to take the time to write my blog..yet, it's very busy.  i love writing.  but, should i be staying up to late to write.  writing is for me...the photos are for my pleasure..to add another dimension...another creative layer...not that anyone else cares...but  it's for me. 

i love my family...biff, the kids, the dogs, the cats....

i've let go of some of my awesome dog walks to write this blog....balance? i think not.

i spend hours writing. i love to write.  it's one of the places where time doesn't matter....balance? i think not.

e-bay gives me great feedback and i enjoy my communication with my customers...i've met so many nice people....e-bay customers...each one is interesting.

but, there is feedback.

blog? it's been very fun for me.  i'm not sure where to go from here.  i write for me...yet, no comments and no feedback for 6 months...not sure it matters.  i love writing but if i'm staying up way too late to fit it in or letting the dishes wait? balance? i think not.

not sure.  i do realize that i like to be connected. i like the blog for me. still, do i really have to make it a "blog"...if the followers don't follow? if the people don't bother to comment? why bother?  it's only graffiti if i'm writing a blahhhhhhhhhG and no one reads it .  

i like feedback...even on e-bay...my customers are so nice...we connect.  in our own way.  it's fun. i like that.

it's wierd to write and write and write and have so little feedback...except for the friends who may call and then we re-hash and laugh about more of the stories than i really wrote...we have that connection.

many blogs have that.  i have blog friends...when i comment on their blogs, they recognize me and we have that connection.

that's all. way too late.  i have lots to think about in my life.  how much time do i do something with no connection.  do i? not sure.

i enjoy people. i enjoy their stories. more than ever.  every single person has their own story. that's what matters to me.  not so much my own story.  i like to share my stories and i like to get the sense that people enjoy them.  i'm not sure this is the right venue for these stories.  who knows.  maybe, who cares!!  i'm not sure i do.  i do know that i have been doing this almost 7 months...that's alot of dishes or gardening or laundry or e-bay that actually makes money....plus some connection...where i can see...quite literally if anyone even cares.....

i'm just not sure.  if my peace and balance feel lopsided because of writing...a blog that hasn't grown...a blog that is one sided...not too much feedback...how do i even know if it's enjoyed.  oh, i do know some enjoy....but, come on.  is it worth balance? not sure.  

lots of questions.  i have lots and lots of e-bay quality items to list...and i'm spending this time writing....and why?  not sure.

i think the balance is off.  it seems.  when i take so much time to write...and there is still so much more to do....is that balance?  i think not.

i have passions.  our kids and their schooling....our community.  friends with breast cancer that are happy for the connection...or happy for the company...or happy to have a ride somewhere.  would my time be better spent back at hospice doing art therapy...where i truly help some people.

our family had a ball this weekend.  we were with our sailing friends all weekend for the sailing regatta.  we had laughs and connecton and families enjoying families.  we are so happy to see the kids and how they've grown over the winter...and everyone falls back in step immediately...we told stories...they laughed...we all teared up from time to time...the kids and grown ups shared stories...all ages...a joy.

lots of stories.  i told lots.  we all laughed at stuff...some of the littlemarymixup stories that i could never take the time to write....oh, i love to laugh and be with friends.  maybe, that's all way more important than writing late into the night. maybe so.

who knows. i don't know. i do know it's way past bedtime. i do know that i have alot to mail in the morning....e-bay.  i have to get something for dinner.  i do know that i have to take photos for e-bay.  i have to list the items after i take the photos.  i have to plant some of the lettuce, basil, tomatoes...and more.  lots more where that came from.

guess i'll sleep on it. finally. sleep. i think i'll figure it out. i'm not sure it's what i had hoped for.  maybe i'll have to change my format.  maybe i'll have to write less.  i know some don't even like to read if it's too long.  but, don't i write this for me?  yes.  so who cares? but, should i find something else?

i'll sleep on it....right now. i'll be back...just don't know when.  just don't know how i'll keep it going...maybe the change will be good.  maybe.   maybe not.  balance.  we'll see.

i'm having so much fun on fb, staying in touch with some fun, old friends...and some acquaintances.  just like the acquaintances, i just have little quips with them and happy to see a picture of their kids or whatever.

i love my e-bay biz.  it's been fun. it's been a business. really.  perfect for me. great with the kids. great for biff and i.....e-bay has been good for us all!

this is so convoluted...i keep losing bits of the blog...blog...lost  in cyberspace....meant to be.  maybe. who knows.  balance?  i think not.....cyberspace balance?  i think not.

balance. do you have balance?  do you make time for the people you love. do you get real?  are you living honestly?  do you have secrets? are you healthy? do you take care of yourself and your family....spiritually? mentally? physically?  emotionally?  do you make time for friends?  do you make time for real?  real time with family?  in person?  on a heartfelt phone call?  do you ever think to call someone for them.....not for you to feel better?  do you do random acts of kindness?  are you loving to many people?  do you hold back your love for some?  do you hold grudges? do you stand in judgment of others?  do you think you are a kind and loving person?  have you done anything for your community?  just askin',,,, are you feeling good about the way you live your life? balance? just askin'.....

i'm looking for balance...i should say more balance....