after great accomplishment by the whole family yesterday, i fell into bed and began to drift....thinking of all of the hard work each member of the family had contributed.....gladly, with no prodding or complaints or resistance....i felt proud of us all!

reviewing in my head each of the jobs that we took on, i was feeling delighted to think what we can do together....as a team! "t-e-a-m", t.j's lacrosse coach used to reinforce,"there's no "i" in team!"  somedays that was accepted like a proud member of the armed forces going off into battle.  other times, it was not received as well...after a tough practice, worn out, t.j. would repeat his coach's words,"t-e-a-m, there's no "i" in team!" as we drove home i'd talk about the meaning of those words....and how it applies to our family!  "a teachable moment" ....my time take advantage of the coach's motivational boost!

t.j.,  a boy who is big on semantics, would respond,"well mom...i know that you want to believe our coach and i know that you think that's true.....but, really.....i think there's no "me" in team......and i just need some time for m-e!"  point well taken by a mom who doesn't want to argue over semantics with this boy who wants to be heard!

the boy with the semantics approach....to life.  i've heard other moms say that their boys are very literal.  that seems to be true with t.j., but the semantics could be argued for hours.  he says,"mom, i just can't help it...i think i'm right and i like to argue!  i'm good at it!"  true....that doesn't mean that he can win though.

last summer on the cape, t.j. mentioned that he and his buddy, oliver, both liked to argue...they liked it.  oliver confirmed!  oliver's mom confirmed!  grace and oliver's brother, camden, nodded.  it was a consensus....by the knowing family members looking on.  wiped out from a day of fun in the sun, i took a big breath and suggested that they open a law firm together.  "great!" they cheered! everyone was relieved...that's when i mentioned that t.j. had better do the litigation and oliver might do the divorce or they'd have to shut down the law firm.....arguing a point might just be the demise of their partnership.

i'm grateful to have smart kids.  it's great to see how clever they can be.  just not always great when i'm standing at the door with armloads of groceries and i haven't used the words to guarantee my passage and needed assistance.  sometimes those clever takes on semantics aren't so impressive to me....and those semantics don't work out so well for t.j."

yesterday, my words were very clear....no interpretations could be used...."many hands make light work!" ....my mom's favorite quote.  our kids remember her saying that when it was time to stack up their blocks....or time for toddlers to carry their dishes to gramma's sink!  it worked.  simple. it worked!  better than barney or mr. rogers.  that's my line now.  now they say as they begin to help,"i know, i know, many hands make light work!"  to be followed by droning voices," i remember.....that's what gramma always said" they finish it off with a knowing smile.  we all laugh as we do the job.....together.

a mom's words seem to stay with us forever.  yesterday, i never would have stayed on task with so much to do, the mommy a.d.d might have kicked in big time.  that's when "amazing grace" kept me going....her words in a thought balloon over my head, " like with like!"

"like with like" has kept me going throughout my organizational deficit training....they've helped direct my energy ...they've certainly helped the kids chant "i know, like with like.....that's what gramma used to say."  bored by my reminders.....still, getting the job done....and well done at that!

so, as i attacked our garage, filled with a winter's worth of skis, snow board, ski poles, bird seed, sailing gear leftover from the fall, bikes that had been crammed into random spaces, boots and more.............interruptions......like right now.....gotta go pick up grace...no lacrosse because of rain.----------------------

and i'm back...after stopping at out local, sensitive new age coffee shop for grace's favorite corn muffin...which turned in to a few errands...and a some time with our kids to reiterate their afternoon agenda....beginning with each one taking a dog for a walk....

my mom used to use those simple words "like with like" and "many hands make light work" with her salespeople at saks fifth avenue.  she kept it simple with no room for misinterpretation....smart woman....a great manager.
http://www.saksfifthavenue.com/Entry.jsp?site_refer=360i+G&kw_refer=saks+fifth+avenue
she had one other tidbit to help her professional salespeople who just wanted to sell...the ones who didn't put the effort into the basic stockwork of the day.....this was a requirement to keep the exclusive store looking it's best.  when my mother had a new employee arrive to sell in her department, she'd hand them an 8 pack of crayola crayonshttp://www.crayolastore.com/?trk_src_ss=CRAPAYPCWEBMACSS|PPC|ADW|crayola.com&gclid=COWBsLCNzaACFSZo5QodcWeL5Qhttp:http://www.crayolastore.com 
and have them fill in the designer sportswear by color, according to the crayolas!  no room for questions! smart woman.

friends stopped in......every mom knows about this happy interruption! a fun one...be right back.

big news...camera making a comeback....photos to follow!

what a beautiful day!  we really accomplished a lot today.....we all raked up some of the leftover leaves from the fall...t.j. vacuumed the car, washed, simonized and helped with some other work outside, grace jumped in too...she put some good energy into getting the leaves cleared.

yesterday was the first day of spring....perfect timing for us to get to the leaves!  oh, we're on it....we work hard to get this far behind!  biff was out there raking and hauling those leaves bright and early....and everyone followed!

even daisy and fitzy!  and jinx and happy too!  by the warm sun of the afternoon, t.j. had put lots of elbow grease into the s.u.v. that totes the dogs to the beach, the family ski trips, beach jaunts, bike trips....accumulating enough gum wrappers, water bottles for every species,dog leashes, dog fur, dog fur, dog sand leftover from wet sandy paws.....and he was proud!

it really was fun!  i know, how pathetic is my life that i have to gather the family together to do yard work and house clean up and call it "fun"?  the fun-ny thing is that we all had a good time.  we were motivated...all of us...biff and i, grace and t.j.....even the dogs seemed content!

sometimes, it's more work to get everyone doing the work together.  sometimes one person resisting the work can cause enough frustration to toss in our rakes.  today was like a family on a television commercial.  smiles, eager to pitch in, "please may i go to the beach with my friends after we finish" and "will you please take me to the store to get something refreshing to drink?".....wow!

is this the way the perfect people do it?  i'd probably think of myself as perfect too....if this happened all the time!  only, it might seem surreal...it might feel like an alternate universe. no one with plans to go to a friend's house, no one complaining about how hard it is, dogs barking or needy. is this how the other half live?  i think i like it!

how do they do it?  do they pay their kids?  they must bribe them somehow.  i'm not even sure how we got everyone motivated and committed to the day of hard work!  i'll have to think that over and make a note of what we possibly did to arrive at this outcome.

biff and i were multitasking all day....passing each other as we completed a task, giving a helping hand to one another, laughing with one another, talking to the kids....and when biff came out on the deck looking dazed and confused at the end of the day.....he said thoughtfully,"now, what did i come out here foooor?" without missing a beat, i picked up a dog bowl and handed it to him.  he held it and said,"thanks for filling in the blanks!"

some days are like that.  we danced through the day with no one stepping on anyone's toes....it was as though the day had been choreographed by someone with way more talent and dance experience....who was leading?

towards the end of the day, t.j. asked if he could stop because he wanted to do his homework!  tell me that's not like a television commercial....grace called to ask if we'd pick her up in town. her friend stayed for dinner....

we had a barbeque which we haven't had in awhile. this was not a winter of many barbeques.  it was great to get in gear for the days to come. even that worked out well...timing wise.

no mixups. no more than normal, that is.  we had fun as a family...cleaning the yard, the garage, doing the laundry....i feel like june cleaver today...only my hands might be a tad dirtier. i realized at one point, biff was folding laundry and i was sweeping the garage....now that everything , almost everything , is where it's supposed to be....june cleever didn't get her hands that dirty!  and mr. cleever, i don't remember his name....ward cleever....i do remember....anyway, i don't recall mr. ward cleaver ever folding laundry!
i'm not sure i could have had as much fun and laughter if biff was like ward cleaver.  i think it might be a little too strange to have kids like the t.v. kids....and i don't think mrs. cleaver had any mixups. me like mrs. cleaver?  not quite.  except for the pearls!  for all occasions!

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cBWO1vWZXGY

 do you remember the beave and wally?

pink clogs and bikinis

At the center of your being you have the answer. You know who you are and you know what you want...Lao Tzu 

 did you ever have a theme of the week?  this keeps popping up everywhere i go since sunday.  i'm sure i've been learning this my whole life...now, it seems that it's shouting out to me!  "SHOUTING"!

 i remember when i was 4 years old, at our awesome beach club in the hamptons, on the east end of long island.....

life was like a good movie....our family at that time was living the dream, with all of the luxuries of life....family, friends, home,vacations, beach, country clubs, schools....even a station wagon both plentiful and abundant a part of our everyday life.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Preppy_Handbook 

http://www.preppymusthave.com/Pages%20Main/Ladies.html 

life changes. people change. friendships change. addresses change. lifestyle changes.....and then we look back.

who i am today has all come to be because of the many pieces of the puzzle that make up my true life story.

my coffee mug i randomly chose today had these words,"whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should..." max ehrmann.

back to those memories...i vividly remember a day, at the quogue bath and tennis club, when i was 4 years old...mrs. callendar gave me a itsy bitsy teeny weeny bikini....i think i've mentioned this bikini before...my mom had me put it on in one of the seaspray white washed cabanas located amidst the glorious dunes with the narrow wooden and creaky boardwalk with the wobbly planks....at the top of the warped wooden staircase to the outstanding beach with the crashing waves....that's the memory.  it's still like that today only the "club" is a private home...as it originated in the 1920's....in days of grandeur and splendor for  those with riches and fine taste.

i apparently didn't care for being the  model i was being prodded to be at that time....i like my one piece dunkin donut pink suit with the sweet white trim!  this bikini, a thoughtful gift for this little august birthday girl, was NOT going on the runway...or boardwalk....even with bribery or the clenched teeth of my mother. i knew what i liked and what i did not like. i always have.

 there were some times in my life when i seemed to conform.  never all the way.  even in catholic school with a uniform, it gave me great joy to wear the wrong color socks or my sunday shoes or a different style shirt.  it was a risk that only a wild child would dare to take!  most of my rebellious moments seemed to be with clothing.  i didn't like to be told what to wear or go with what the fashions dictated....even as a four year old!

how frustrating that must have been for a mom with all of the finest clothing and dreams of the perfect little girl!  i came to understand that feeling!  and no one laughed harder than my mother.  it seemed the years had mellowed her and she treasured the style and spirit of my grace!

i had many moments in my life where i absolutely knew, better than anyone in the world, who i was.....deep, deep down to the core of myself. 

when i was 11, my mother's fabulous friend ellen,who lived in new york city and worked in the fashion industry, gave me a gift of an hippie looking mustard suede shoulder bag with beaded leather fringe.....it was my fashion statement of the year.  i felt that nobody was cooler or hipper than me!  i was with it!

one thing for sure, i always had a mind of my own. one to enjoy colors and classic clothing, i've remained loyal to my basics.  when i was 16 years old, i got a strawberry pink lacoste shirt and nobody could have been happier!  for some of the more formal, winter social events in my life, my greatest delight has always been to wear a classic velvet skirt, pants or even shorts with a festive shirt that may be a bit more trend conscious.  sounds boring...not really...i love an outrageous belt, rockin' wild colored shoes, boots and jewelry or scarf.  i'm no plain jane....i just know what i like and what makes me feel dressed with some style and my biggest requirement is to also feel comfortable....nothing can wipe away confidence more than the feel of ill fitted or uncomfortable clothes, shoes or accessories.

that's just the clothing bit of me being me. there have been times in my life where volunteering was the greatest joy because the work was so moving.  like when i was expecting grace, i worked on a women's committee to throw a christmas party for kids with cancer at a local hospital. i enjoyed the whole process...i was a bit bored by some of the social climbers on the committee...but, when the afternoon at the hospital came and i was there to set up the party, help with the food and entertainment set ups be with the families....spending time with the kids and their siblings, drawing and doodling cartoonish pictures with and for the kids. it seemed to be over in a flash!

being with those children with cancer and their families may have given me more joy than anything i had ever done in my life, up to that point.  i cried because doing something that really mattered  exaggerated the fact that although i was making very good money at my job, it was not enough.

ever the doting husband, biff arrived to pick me up because i was 8 months pregnant and parking was so limited. i walked out to the car sobbing...he assumed it had been heart wrenching for me...the sobbing was from the joy i felt down to my soul...i had done something that came so easy to me and it had mattered and made a miniscule difference in the day of the lives of families dealing with the burden of cancer.  they were families, doctors, nurses and caretakers that had great strength, grateful hearts, appreciation of the moments and thankful for each day! i was in awe of their humble and joyful spirit...as though i had been in a room full of angels!

 times like that scream out to me that i'm in the place i belong, doing something outside myself, giving of myself and feeling that my time spent there had mattered.

if i had listened to myself throughout my life, i may have avoided some of the lesser friendships, relationships and job choices i lived through....i had to learn the hard way. those not so good and poor choices made me learn to really listen to my heart and sometimes my head!

earlier in life, some volunteer choices i made were more about my need for praise, being "seen", receiving accolades from my peers and filling myself from the outside...i loved the attention...it felt great for my ego but not true to myself!

some of the most difficult life events have helped to shape some of the best parts of who i am...i learned some true values and real lessons that made a difference in everything and everyone i encountered along the way.

it seems that the poor choices catch up with us faster...just waiting to remind us....haunting us with a funny feeling.  when i've listened to that or felt that feeling, life was good.  when i tried to push through and force that feeling....i ended up like humpty dumpty....and the only one that could put me back together was me.  darn it!

as one of my birthday cards once said, "happy birthday!" when open, it read,"now pick up the shattered pieces of yourself and move on!"  i've done that alot!  hopefully, i've been catching on a little more everyday...i guess i won't know til next time i have that humpty dumpty feeling...the more i have shut down that voice or that pang of no good, the harder i fall.  it does pay to live consciously. 

all week i've been reminded to live life being true to myself...lots of little reminders...hopefully, i'm hearing them or putting myself to work trying to listen.  if i busy myself and keep moving, i might not have to listen...but later, my true voice catches up with me.

it used to seem like more work....trying to do the right thing with no motive...just knowing the right thing to do...for me...and my family.

sometimes we try too hard...with friendships, with work, with eating, with drinking, with good habits and bad habits.....we know.  when we do what we know is right without the need to justify it to ourselves or anyone else, it's usually what's good for us. when we're fighting the flow, working to hard to explain ourselves, getting defensive.....that seems when our choices catch up with us....maybe not today....but later....sooner or later!

now i don't think that bikini would have had a great effect on my life whether i wore it or not....at least i felt strong in my belief...i knew what i liked and what i didn't! today, i might be thrilled to have that bikini on...especially if i looked great in it! 

when i was 11 and sporting that groovy suede fringe bag with the beads...nobody could dare tell me that i was anything but cool.  i knew it was me!  i had that artist in me!  that's really who i am today...i've relaxed...i've grown into this me...i make lots of mistakes...that's me too...i feel better if i share my "mixups"....that helps me to get over those mistakes...big and small!

 for a few years, when the kids were about 6 and 7, i volunteered at hospice connecticut...i did art therapy with the patients.  it was another one of those experiences that made every bit of my being know i was doing something that i loved...there were moments i had a lump in my throat, but i was living and loving every experience.  those patients, some who biff, grace and t.j. met too, gave me so much more than i gave them.  to this day, each person that i worked with has a special place in my heart and in my memory!  that was real. that was true.

i was born to be some sort of classic, tailored prep because that's how i'm comfortable....but i don't like to be wrapped too tightly anymore....the artist in me has had to relax....the artist in me still wants to wear my clogs, in preppy pink!  the artist in me wants every bit of my life to have some creativity and flair....i'm not meant to be a cookie cutter....i need to be myself!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Preppy_Handbook 

i know what matters to me.  thankfully, biff and i share those passions...i hope our kids will always have the safety of knowing real, like the velveteen rabbit! real. this is a sweet story link with merrill streep telling the story. i still treasure that story.  i didn't appreciate it until i read it to grace and t.j.!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M_m054tLKvs

when grace and t.j. were little, the house would get very quiet...i would enjoy that quiet for about a minute...then, i'd realize the potential for one of those moments.....like the quiet morning that biff and i were lying in bed marveling that we were getting a little extra semi-sleep....just a little...oh what a treat!  until we got up and got the scent of something fresh and familiar.....their was a haze in the hallway....i turned the corner to t.j.'s room and found grace and t.j. covered in baby powder!  t.j.'s "wed wug"(red rug) was white and had little powder footprints all over! at that time, we were reading a lot of the adventures of"curious george"...that's when, if the house was too quiet, i began asking,"is there any curious george going on?" 

i tried to explain,"sometimes it feels like the good angel is on your shoulder....and you get that good feeling!  if you listen, you can tell that the bad angel makes you feel like the choice might not be so good! just stop and think...you'll know the best answer. real.

 i hope they still remember that!  i hope they learn to listen to that voice...to do the right thing....to be true to themselves.  i'm still learning.  hopefully, i'm listening a little better these days. really.

if only it was as easy as pink clogs and bikinis! 

http://www.hannaandersson.com/category.asp?id=women_shoes+%26+tights&cm_re=Spring%202010-_-Mouse%20Over%20Navigation-_-Women%20Shoes%20Tightshttp:

//www.thepinkmonogram.com/php/clogs.php

The Velveteen Rabbit: Told by Meryl Streep (Official Rabbit Ears Video)

being true...a theme that's continued all week!

Elizabeth Gilbert on nurturing creativity | Video on TED.com

Elizabeth Gilbert on nurturing creativity | Video on TED.com

 i've been thinking about my mom....i miss her...it's been almost 2 years...i have lots of great memories.  moms and daughters learn from each other!

i'd like to share some of some of life's little "rules" that i learned from my mom, "amazing grace".....

*always put your lipstick on in the morning...it makes you look alive! 

*buy yourself flowers every week...just because they're pretty.

*get your hair done weekly or as often as you can.

*fill your tank of gas before it hits 1/4 full/empty....if the gas goes to almost empty, that's the mirky, unclean gas....did she make that up or is it true?

*love your mother in law...she's the reason you love your husband!

*always work for the best.

*when driving a car, don't hesitate.

*buy pretty nightgowns.

*make the dishes in your cabinets look pretty, you have to look at them everyday.

*if you wear a designer print of any kind, leave all of the other designers in the closet.  it looks tacky.

*always buy that little something for someone when you see it in the store.

*light candles at dinnertime...even if you're alone.

*show respect to elderly folks.

*enjoy lovely creams with soft fragrances.

*have a routine.

*read the new york times....always read the fashions of the times.

*go to church.

*make a phone call and surprise someone.

*eat less and eat in moderation.

*don't eat the fake foods...light, fat free...eat real and eat less of the real thing.

*play music at home to keep you company.

*play music in the car.

*volunteer.

*write lists.

*keep an extra $20. hidden in your wallet.  it's there if you need it or if you want to treat yourself to something special.

*get up and get out everyday...seeing people you know in your town  is like money in the bank.

*you can do anything if you put your mind to it.

*the squeaky wheel gets the grease.

*wear the colors that you love.

*be kind.

*buy pretty sheets and buy nice quality.

*make your home comfortable and welcoming.

*treat yourself to ice cream once in a while.

*don't lower yourself to other people' level.

*cut slices of cucumbers and tomatoes and put them in a little cooler with hellman's mayonnaise, chips and a cold drink...and you'll have a refreshing sandwich at the beach.

*don't slow down.

*try not to stop driving at night as you get older...you age yourself.

*take a friend on a road trip for a day or for a weekend.

*call your mother

*laugh at your children just because they're adorable!

*keep your friends in your life

*just get up and do it.

*always leave your sink clean.

*don't charge pantyhose...you'll get a run before the bill arrives in the mail.

*look your best.

*buy soft toilet paper.

*only buy canada dry ginger ale.

*if you're on a vacation or traveling...try to meet your friends that are visiting too...or call friends who live in the area.  it's fun to meet out of town.

*keep your handbag clean.

*you don't have to give children alot to make them happy....just a little something that THEY like.

*take time to wrap your christmas presents.

*sweep your christmas tree needles.

*stop by the clinique counter at saks.

*if you know how to shop and you  have taste, you can shop anywhere.

*buy nice bathroom towels.

*buy your bathing suit after 4th of july

*go to a show.

*have many interests.

*read about others' interests'.

*set a pretty table for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

*enjoy better things and less of them.

*don't settle

*always buy tropicana.

*change the colored candles each month.

*fold your sweaters.

*surround yourself with what you love.

*call and question your bill...they may not be right.

*have a sense of humor...it makes life easier.

*don't make the mistake of elastic waistbands...that's the reason american's are fat.

*pack it well and fold it well.

 *take the scenic route when you have the time.

those are just a few...and lots of them are floating around in my head!

grace worked at saks grace worked at saksfifthavenue, beginning in 1942.
http://www.saksfifthavenue.com/Entry.jsp?site_refer=360i+G&kw_refer=saks she came down from massachusetts on the train...my grandfather told her to always work at the best and for the best. she did.  at the personnel office, they told her she would not be able to interviews on a saturday....that she must be interviewed because she would be leaving on a train for massachussetts.   they interviewed her and she got a job in the buying office of the children's accessories department.  that's where her 30 something year career began...with some time as a homemaker with her children.
she came back to new york city and her mother had her get an apartment at the barbizon hotel http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Barbizon_Hotel_for_Women.
she later moved to tudor city, and that's where she met my dad!  a great romantic story!  http://www.aviewoncities.com/nyc/tudorcity.htm

they got married at the lady chapel at st. patrick's cathedral in new york city.
/http://www.saintpatrickscathedral.org/
that's when they moved to bronxville, ny. in
westchester county, where she opened "the maternity shop"...a clever name.
http://villageofbronxville.com/
they moved out to manhasset,n.y. on long island. http://www.manhassetny.org/chamber/
http://www.nytimes.com/1984/02/05/realestate/if-you-re-thinking-of-living-in-manhasset.html...not for the schools that were wonderful....but, for the beaches! jones beach.
http://nysparks.state.ny.us/parks/10/details.aspx


another nice list to look at...i heard amy bloom speak on sunday at the women's health conference.
http://www.amybloom.com/?page_id=79

and that's it...i've been to the doctor. i finally realized that i had to go.  i have to take care of myself. . i really really do try. no matter how much anyone else cares, it's still my responsibility to take care of me.  i say i do but i don't...always.

actually, after having babies and becoming totally aware of the awesome body....how it works has always amazed me.....always...my body can prepare itself for a  teeny tiny baby to be....feed and grow a baby.  if i try to take care of myself and my body, there is a very good possibility that i'll have this baby ...on it's own or with assistance....i can have the baby in my arms and then i can feed the baby with my own....and to complete the circle, the most incredible part of all is....by feeding the baby .....i lose weight!  and get back into blue jeans in a few weeks!  now that's a miracle!  truly!

after a week and a half, now i have new aching in my head and temples, the light is bothering my eyes. 

my head is pounding.
that was from skiing....but i also hit the back of my head on the ice.... while ice skating a few weeks ago! two times in a month!!  i know.... in my whole life, i have never had a black out...not the st. patrick's day  kind of blackout.  my head and helmet hit the snow...it went black for a moment....

my body is trying to tell me something...it's time to listen.

  i made my appointment with the doctor today and slept through my 9:30 appointment....had to reschedule for this afternoon at 2p.m.  reviewing my symptoms and doing some small tests, the doctor scheduled me for a catscan at the hospital. after all, she was surprised that i hadn't been to the doctor yet...even though i had my own nurse to sit and assess it immediately....and our friend, a doctor, assess the symptoms and the details of the fall.

i was relieved to have it checked out....and as my mother used to blurt out in frustration..."do you need to have your head examined?" and i was relieved to be taking care of myself...

i had thought about going to the doctor...but i listened to everyone tell me that it was a mild concussion...that i seemed o.k.....that i had only blacked out for a moment...i went against my own tendency to take care of myself!   easier to listen to them than myself....nagging me ...a little bit...

so, after checking in with the doctor,i left feeling better that i had attended to my head...actually thankful to have the doctor say that i should have the catscan...think of the brain...and one big bonk...on the front...and one on the back....

i stopped at the receptionist.  she wanted more healthcare information.  i had to call biff.  he was on his way to massachusetts....he offered the information...and then he asked,"is that covered?"  who knew?  i would check...and i realized that the $1400 bill made biff hesitate. and $1400. to have it read...never had anything like that happened....ever...this was biff.....this was the economy....this was the healthcare system of today....

this is the healthcare world that hadn't really affected me greatly. we were covered...i was one of the more fortunate ones in the healthcare system.....we are a family very blessed. biff not only has a job he loves...he has benefits. we always keep life most simple...at the beginning of the sales year....it starts slow in the first few months of the year.  now it wasn't just a commission statement...this was the trickle down of the economy.  my head  pounding and it's up to washington, d.c.....whether or not i can have a catscan.  something's not right there.

yet, today, standing at the receptionist window, i couldn't believe we were talking about money...when lights were bothering my eyes and my temples and head were pounding.

$1400. seems to make a lot of people think twice these days...and $1400. more to read it!.even the doctor said she has lots of people stop and question this huge bill....especially now, in this economy.  the slow down, decline, depression....whatever we want to call it, makes us all think twice about what we need to have done.  i am always concerned that doctors recommend the next test because of malpractice concerns.

i just didn't think that we would ever think like this....and certainly not biff!  why did i think were different?....everyone has a lot of concerns in this economy....it affects everyone.

we live a very comfortable life, we have awesome vacations... with great friends who share their goodness...with our family!  what a gift! we are aware and very grateful...we live in a beautiful place...we love the beach...the woods...the city....family fun trips....sailing...skiing....biking...and more.......lots more.....

yet, today, i felt for every person in america with a job loss or no job or a low job or insurance with sickness...insurance that still costs a lot....even with the copay....i thought about our insurance company that doesn't always cover our connecticut doctors..

wow! they make it hard.  i left the doctor's office in tears.  biff questioned the doctor.  i questioned biff.  biff was very concerned.....

i worried that he was concerned that it wasn't worth it.  that i wasn't worth it!  for the first time in our life. it was all about health and health care and health benefits...and the economy...and sales...and hong kong...and the car industry in the u.s. and money and everything that we read in the news about "others" and their problems with health care and coverage...and sickness....and wellness......

i didn't go to the appointment at the hospital for the catscan....i waited and talked to biff....he talked to the doctor...and the hospital...and me. i drove home.  sick about our healthcare...for choices we are making based on the system.

i still had the pounding headache in my temples and the light bothering my eyes.  i felt like an inconvenience.  i felt like i was expecting more than i should require.  i felt i was asking too much....

i was sick...headache, lights, questions, lack of clarity and lack of.....everything.  this is with a husband who works very hard and does very well.....we are conservative....we don't live high on the hog.....we live simply....by choice....we want to live a simple, but wonderful life....with our family the priority.

 today, i simply had to question how much i mattered. for real. i drove home. aching. in tears.  because i  knew what i had to do. have a cat scan. the doctor said i  could go to a neurologist, in lieu of a cat scan.isn't a neurologist going to want to look at a cat scan?

what about the head pounding? the light? i felt worthless....not worth the price of a catscan.

home, finally. where i had been planning some fun st. patrick's day festivities.i had some lucky charms cereal for grace and t.j.'s snack, some corned beef, shamrock paper plates, sweet treats, some irish music, some festive gifties....it wasn't what i had hoped for.  i wanted to celebrate the fun and traditions of family and heritage.

i took our sweet puppy for a catscan last year at this time.  i paid for her catscan...because we love her....no matter what.....and she was worth it....and i was happy to know....relieved to know...she was fine....and i was so glad that i knew it!

i was grateful that we knew she was all right.

i never once said, "was she worth it?"

i still say i'm coming back as a golden retriever!

*********************************************

follow up...all of a sudden , a trip to the doctor, turned into an editorial bit on the healthcare system!  it's just one more crazy mixed up thing in our lives...it's overwhelming to both biff and i.

  it seems that some of my own friends that have read this were thinking that i was writing/talking about my husband, biff, like he was the bad guy. that's not something i do.  that actually freaked them out...then, me.....i'm sorry if i've  suggested that he is the bad guy. that is far from the truth...way far from the truth. biff always has our family first...always.

everything i write...everything....is stuff that i share openly with biff and i only share information that i feel comfortable sharing.  i prefer to have no secrets in my life. 

i  tell my "stories" and try to explain the "real" story....without going too deep.  the depth of this story was to acknowledge the everyday stress of figuring out our own healthcare....in some economically challenging times....when we are being extra cautious

.  i wrote $1400......for the catscan...i didn't write $1400. to read the catscan...that's a considerable amount of money to lay out without knowing how much will be paid, reimbursed etc.....biff has spent hours this week on the phone to figure it out.

and that's part of my problem too.  even our simple coverage is intimidating to figure out....to follow...to track..to keep updated.  that's when we're all healthy!  when we need it, it seems we're always in some loophole.

i guess, what amazed me most was that biff and i....who do care about family more than money....even with family as a priority...even with an upscale income....it's a tough decision and it's hard to get through the red tape!

thankfully, biff and i are able to talk about all of this disturbing stuff...we always talk it out..we respect each other and each other's opinions! maybe that wasn't fair if i didn't let you know that!  sorry... to you and to biff!

i still want to come back as a golden retriever...open window in the car....great beaches...swimming....tennis balls...kids...people light up when you come in the room...great comfy beds with monograms....who could ask for more?

*******************************************

 *******************************************

Lord Of The Dance - The Dubliners [8/26]

keryn...here's the irish version!

Emma Kate Tobia

lovely irish singer at the parade today. she sings like an angel!

http://milk-moon.blogspot.com/

theu link above is one of my favorite blogs that i've happened upon...she is a lovely irish mom, living on the east coast of ireland, near dublin.  she writes so lyrically and has sweet, lovely stories of her life with children...in ireland.  she has a lovely book of poetry with gorgeous photos.  i stop at her blog often to allow me the pleasure of memories in ireland and the wonderful irish ways...she makes me feel like i could live there...at least, she makes me feel like she tells my kind of stories in  delightful and melodious moments.  a treat for the eyes and ears and imagination!

this is my little st. patrick's day tribute to the sod!

 

http://myworld.ebay.com/littlemarymixup

and the kelly green sweater is in my e-bay store for a st. patricks day sale!

 

here's to all of the irish & the luck of the irish to all!

Emerald Society

a friend sent this to me on facebook...a wee bit o' the parade! the bagpipes give me that sweet feeling of family get togethers and all of the parades we've gone to over the years....newyork parade, garden city parade, westhampton beach parade and the montaukparade! st. patrick's day this year i have a bittersweet feeling...thinking of all of the older family and friends....lots of great memories!

Senator Ted Kennedy sings at Obama campaign stop

i had to includ this song because it reminds me of so many fo our singing the irish songs around the piano years.....memories with mom and catherine and family and friends! great singers and great days and great memories!

It's a Great Day For The Irish - Single Version

top o' the mornin' to ye!

this is a first!  too tired to blog! i'm going to the doc tomorrow about my headaches that i've been having after the concussion.  the light is bothering my eyes too!  slowed down...out of my control. again, i'm trying to listen!  i'm trying to listen to the signs my body is giving me.

thankfully, someone who cares gave me a gentle reminder to take care of my own self.it's hard for me to allow that kind of goodness in....i don't like to be a bother. so guess what? it was great to hear someone say that they were concerned.  i always try to be grateful when someone shows concern.....rather a quick reaction saying,"no it's not that bad i'm fine...i'm better than i was."  not like a martyr...just not wanting to whine or complain to people.

  i also realize how much i miss my mom at times like this.  she couldn't  really take care of me or even be here to cover for me....but i knew she cared...like nobody else....and that's just a mom.  only a mom.

i've been concerned too.  i tried to let it go.  why?  i should take better care of myself.  no one can read my mind.  i haven't really mentioned the headaches.  it's so boring to hear people complain! i'd rather not give in to that. i thought i was taking care. today i realized that i wasn't really doing my best.  i would definitely take better care of our kids!

and now, i'm going to take care of myself.  i'm going to bed...it's late.  my hours are mixed up...from resting with my eyes closed.  i saw one of grace's friends today...she had had a concussion that no one realized until a day or two later.  i stopped to ask her about her lacrosse concussion last year.  she was describing some of my same symptoms.  quick black out. eyes ultra sensitive to lights and reading....it was a gift to bump into her today.  that's when i called the doctor.  two people made a difference....sometimes it takes more than me! 

Paul Simon - Kodachrome

kodachrome sounds good to me! nikon...photographs....it all sounds good to me!

for everyone!

no one will believe me!  i'm embarrassed and ashamed!  my "new" camera has just *POOF* ended it! it's blank on the screen...it's over...i had no clue...no warning signs! i've been stood up again!  i was outside with the dogs walking around the front of the house...i was enjoying the day, rainy or not. was it was over nothing! just like that! some close up pictures and that's when it happened....no crashes, no bonks, no bleeps...and *POOF*!  it was over and i was dumbfounded...i didn't even cry...like all of those other ones before. another one bites the dust...

apparently, the new cameras of  today are disposable.  this one has lasted since christmas week when we were skiing....that went kerplunk after a few months.  i know i'm hard on cameras....i know i take them to the beach, the woods, the city....and they live in my pocket as i wander through life...but, this is ridiculous!

my "real" camera that i enjoyed for most of our married life came from an old boyfriend!  my family and friends have always been thankful that i received this major camera and some equipment instead of an engagement ring.  me too! 

thankfully, it was the camera that traveled with me to europe, to nantucket, the cape, with biff and i on all of our adventures, weddings, new babies, our wedding, our new babies, christenings and christmas mornings!

i have been forever grateful....that i dodged a bullet...as they say!

biff always loved that old boyfriend, even though they never met.  it would have been worlds colliding.  biff might have doubted my sanity!  like my mom did!  of course, that's what friends and family said after the fact.  phew!  so glad they kept that to themselves in case i had further lapse of sanity and stayed with that guy out of stubbornness!

since st. patrick's day is in a couple of days, i've been noticing some of the more stubborn qualities of our cute little leprechauns!  i know where they get it from.  o.k, maybe that's a bit harsh...biff has some of his german stubbornness that we see in our kids.

i digress...another irish blarney habit...or plain old fashioned a.d.d. at work, who knows.  it's hereditary, i know that.

back to my major camera that may have been the christmas gift that changed my life.  thanks to that camera and some huge character flaws in a boyfriend, i  became aware that this was not a good choice of men.  that awareness, no matter how overdue it was, opened my life to so many more wonderful opportunities....and i met biff!

biff enjoyed the camera as well!  he also enjoyed the diamond earrings from the other guy...and some other material gifts that were lovely to look at yet, meant nothing to me. since many of the gifts were not so meaningful to me, i was able to sell them!  and what fun that was!  i kept the diamonds as suggested by my mom.  she said, "those are your booby prize." 

and the camera was the door prize! it was better to me than the old boyfriend.  steady, loyal and true. that camera was with me through the good times and bad! unlike the guy!

and now, i sit with no camera. zip! zero! nada!  the digital cameras that i have had since the major door prize have been like one night stands, which thankfully, i never made a habit of those!  the last few cameras have been quick to blow me off,  unfaithful and selfish....never thinking of me and my feelings! treating me like a doormat after filling my heart with joy and some fun times, these cameras just leave me feeling abandoned. dumped!

oh, sure you say...all of the warning signs were there...the battery troubles, the disc was undependable and the zoom! i'm embarrassed to say that the zoom was slow....very slow.  i like a zoom you can count on!  i like a zoom that can move spontaneously!  the disc was always full...at the wrong time...inconsistent...it left me very frustrated and sometimes in tears.  the batteries were filled with excuses....not charged, not fully charged and rechargeable....sure, rechargeable!  then it was the lithium...the lithium caused it's own troubles.

now, i'm looking for a camera that's more like biff.  a great camera, full of energy, strong...physically and emotionally, loving and considerate, spontaneous....he's there for me...in good times and in bad...just like we proclaim in our wedding vows! biff treats me with respect and deserves respect, thoughtful, giving, makes me laugh, has a great sense of humor,he's easygoing and enjoys a good time!  and he seems to love me, despite my pecadillos!

now, how can i find a new camera.  not online...i'm skeptical of finding a camera on line. i need to see it in person, see how it acts with me and reacts to me, how it moves with me and travels with me.... me....not an online me. 

i'm running out of time.  i don't want to sound desperate, but my clock is ticking.  i need to find one soon or i'll go crazy! all of my friends have great cameras.  they haven't gone through this....with bad choices, one after another.

i realize that i can't force something to be...especially, if it's not the right one for me. i have to pay attention to the signs. i have to be true to myself.  i have to be honest and open if i find one that suits me....although i'm a little bit scared.  i just have a hard time trusting these days.

i guess i'll know when i know.  it will just have to be a good fit.  next time, it will be fun, easy and comfortable to be with, it will have all of the qualities that i love so much. i'll write a list of the qualities that matter.   i hope i've learned from experience. i guess i'll know when i know.  oh, and before i forget, if you think of one i might like, let me know! 

sometimes we have to wait and trust that the right one will come.  it never works out when we're on the rebound!  it's a quick fix. it ends poorly...for everyone!

kodak?  done that.
http://www.kodak.com/eknec/PageQuerier.jhtml?pq-path=2/6868&pq-locale=en_US&_requestid=39239

fuji? done that.

http://www.fujifilmusa.com/products/digital_cameras/index.html

canon? done that.

http://shop.usa.canon.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/home_10051_10051_-1

nikon? not yet.

http://www.nikonusa.com/

sony?  not yet.

http://www.sonystyle.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/CategoryDisplay?catalogId=10551&categoryId=16161&langId=-1&storeId=10151

minolta? done that.  they don't even have camera business anymore!

http://ca.konicaminolta.com/

this is worse than trying to pick out shampoo!
so many choices....and they're all the same...broken!

what a day! with daylight savings time in effect, i was up early to attend a "women's health conference"http://www.womenandfamilylifecenter.org/index.html in mystic, ct....i would be meeting friends at the breakfast to kick off the day. after wind and rain all night, the day was gloomy.

another sunroof weather report!

on days like this, days for me to call my own, i'm always excited in the planning stages.  when it's time to walk out the door, i seem to have a pang...sorry to be leaving my family. everyday matters....time with family...time with biff...time with the kids...time.  life is precious....family is precious!  everyday is filled with possibilities.

then there's the old oxygen mask theory...biff always reminds me of that when life feels too chaotic and i feel tugged in every direction....a feeling he knows all too well.  on an airplane, if the plane is going down, the most important moment is when the oxygen masks pop out from above....the flight attendant always tells us to take the oxygen first and then help others. most important is for us to grab the mask immediately, THEN take care of the others.

so, today was a day for my oxygen mask.  i was up early...despite daylight savings exhaustion....different than the random exhaustion every mom feels each day....and before i walked out the door, i made a cup of coffee to  go!

rain, rain and more rain.  i passed emergency crews repairing electric lines, police cars pulled over with cars post accident and the steady flow of cars on i95.  as i drank my coffee to fuel myself up for my day, i listened a favorite radio program, senator bill bradley's "american voices"....a group of inspirational stories...a nice way to start my day.http://www.billbradley.com/amvoices/about

i drove further. my timing was looking good...almost  great!  and THEN....right before my eyes, the car about 3-4 car lengths in front of me began to swerve towards the left and he steered into his skid and he swerved over to the right lane....as he moved right, his shiny black car began to spin around, skid sideways and come to a stop on the right shoulder, miraculously facing the original direction!

i drove behind that car...not so far behind that car....i watched it veer off to the left and swerve to the right and i slowed watching the black car ....i was chanting to myself....pleeeeeeeeeeez...pleeeeeeeeeeez...this cannot happen..this cannot happen. this CANNOT HAPPEN!

and it didn't!  and it didn't happen to the silver car behind me!  saved by angels....that's all that i can say.  at the moment, i realized that i was safe and i just had to pull over to be grateful and to breathe!

still with time to spare, i continued up to mystic.  biff and i discussed where the mystic marriott was located....we discussed my timing...we discussed parking....i parked...ran through puddles/lakes...in the rain and got in the door...with my traveler coffee cup...there was coffee and milk at the entrance...i filled up.  i dashed over to the front desk.  i said, "women's health conference?"  the gentleman looked puzzled.

he looked confused and said, "sailing.  we have a sailing conference...i looked at him and said,"marriott women's conference 8a.m."

that's when he looked relieved and said,"oh...this is the hilton! the marriott is 2 exits south of here." and off i drove with my hilton cup of coffee!  back on i95 south for 2 exits...i had driven right past the exit because biff and i had assumed the hotel that we stopped at so many times was a marriott!

i arrived thinking i had missed the breakfast....when i asked about the conference, it became clear that i was early for the breakfast!

that was all before 8:30 a.m.!  and then the awesome conference began!  women, women, women...all inspiring, all empowering and all there to boost each other!  that's not something we see everyday.

i feel very blessed to have friends who are supportive and have been supportive throughout my life!  going to a women's college filled me with the gift of women supporting women!  strength in numbers!  there's an energy in the air!  tenacious women, intelligent women. spirited women, creative women, healthy women, older women, younger women.....all with so much to share!

sharing...giving....energizing!  it was an incredible experience. laughter. caring. talking. listening. eating. thinking....new thoughts.  learning...sharing new goals.

a big boost as we move on to spring...a common theme seemed to be "spring cleaning"....not dusting and vacuuming....thinking and clearing out old, useless thinking, people, behaviors....thinking and consciously choosing to be authentic.  doing what we feel we have to do....HAVE to do it because our hearts tell us so.

we listened to some awesome speakers. amy bloom, a wonderful writer with absolutely sensational stage presence, sharing her wit and fabulous family stories, taking questions and answering candidly. amy bloom teaches creative writing at yale.  i can't wait to sink my teeth into one of her books.

http://www.amybloom.com/ http://www.everywomansvoice.com/?q=node/700

an author,deborah copaken kogan, spoke saturday night at the dinner.  i did not go to the evening events...although my good friend invited me to share a room with her mom and sister.  i considered the gracious invitation but i just knew that i was loving that cozy, rainy day saturday with family. women really enjoyed her!  her book looks hysterical!

http://www.deborahcopakenkogan.com/hell_is_other_parents_76473.htm 

we broke into sessions.... wonderful sessions....some women had massage, reiki, tai chi, pilates, women and finance, listening to your heart, authenticity 

beverly sastri spoke and filled the room with energy and empowered women to reach their dreams and goals. she was so filled with enthusiasm and spoke so well!  we all loved her talk and we enjoyed visualizations and had our own work to do...setting goals...clear goals.  listening to the signs that our bodies give us!  a common theme for me!  i do try.  do you? http://www.beverlysastri.com/about.htm

i have these links available and hope you'll have some inspirational moments as well.

i'm still tired and have made a pact with myself to get some more sleep! good night!