My Outward Bound Quote of the Day....

"The thing I hate about an argument is that it always interrupts a discussion."

G.K.Chesterton 

And that's my life with teens. We begin discussing a subject. Maybe school, social event, computer, day trips or any random thing...and life is good. It might go on for quite a few minutes. Or not.

If T.J. and Grace are involved during the same discussion with Biff and I, somehow one comments or critiques (read criticizes, Hrumpffs at the other's comment or downright is rude about the comment that the other is making. It could be about the school bus timing in the morning, the state of affairs in their lives or choosing soup for lunch.

One always has a comment. Just one comment can crash a lovely discussion. Life is funny. Teenagers see the world through their own eyes, how things affect them.The economy and business is about them...Dad, do you think if you get more business we could get our own laptops. So and so has his own laptop. Are we poor?

O.K. that's when the light bulb in my head flashes...news flash....my instantaneous response might be something like this, "Are you kidding? Do you know how lucky you are to have a dad that loves his job, works so hard to take care of our family....do you know how lucky you are when there are families ......."

BUT I bite my tongue...hopefully in time....before I sound like the old,"  You finish that dinner....there are people in ______________(country of choice, country in most recently in the news) starving to death! 

 Do you realize how lucky you are to have food on your plate.....?"

Thankfully right then and there, if I'm lucky, I realize that they are teenagers and their frontal lobe part of their brain is not fully formed and has more to fill in before I begin accusing them of being self absorbed and blah, blah, blah. THANKFULLY! Because in the moment that something, anything big in life, totally turns into ....But how does that affect me? 

I think we all do a bit of that and THEN empathy or sympathy or some other feeling kicks in. That must be the frontal lobe kicking in! I have to give that frontal lobe in the forefront(no pun intended) of my own brain so that I can stop, think and speak. Now, that I've learned about that frontal lobe, I can attribute most of the teen troubles to that.  Talking back....they can barely edit themselves....they blurt. Maybe, if we're all lucky they realize what they've said.  Sometimes, our sweet loving children hear our words and don't listen or they hear our words and totally think we are saying something else. I sometimes think that when I speak, my words change as they cross some sort of teenage sound barrier....or in some cases the big bang theory!

Please understand, I am talking about our children....who we love deeply and with all of our hearts.....we know that deep down to their core, these are very loving children with only goodness and light. EXCEPT for that frontal lobe.....that's where all of our confusion and misunderstandings and misinterpretations and mishaps and upset and drama start to roll.....and fast.

In an instant, a girl in our house can be singing her heart out, happy as Liza Minnelli belting out New York, New York.....and then, I ask that same happy, song-filled soul to empty the dishwasher.....and life turns upside down. If I don't stop to remember that this sweet girl has no fully developed frontal lobe.......because of the way I might word my request.......it's a great possibility that my lovely Grace will get hysterical.....because I have offended her in some way or have suggested by my tone that she is not responsible, smart, caring or kind. Huh? I think I just reminded her to empty the dishwasher?

In an instant, a girl in our house can be singing her heart out, happy as Liza Minnelli belting out NewYork, New York.....and then, I ask that same happy, song-filled soul to empty the dishwasher.....and life turns upside down. If I don't stop to remember that this sweet girl has no fully developed frontal lobe.......because of the way I might word my request.......it's a great possibility that my lovely Grace will get hysterical.....because I have offended her in some way or have suggested by my tone that she is not responsible, smart, caring or kind. Huh? I think I just reminded her to empty the dishwasher? 

I can have a discussion with T.J. about his teacher and his homework....ask when his project is due and how much of the work has been completed, just for the sake of time management....not a priority for our 14 year old.....and before the conversation has gone beyond the name of the teacher or the due date and my son truly believes that I have suggested that he is lazy or less than an intelligent student. 

Even yesterday , that poor undeveloped frontal lobe seemed to translate my words, in another language, by the time our sweet boy heard my words....I asked if his teacher had commented on his paper that had been returned. His frontal lobe concocted a whole 'nother story! He said, "Mom, you sound like you're calling me an idiot."....that is really what that boy, my flesh and blood heard me say.  

And so, when I hear my children say something less than genius or less than charming....I know it's that silly frontal lobe talking. The fact is that I really love our children and I love who they are as people. I do have to give them time....to grow into themselves and their frontal lobes.

Maybe in a few years or five, when we have a discussion they will be able to push through that lobe thingy and understand my words. It's pretty tricky growing up these teens! Oh boy....I'm so grateful that I love them! I'm also grateful that I like them. When I don't...it's just 'cuz of that darn lobe....we're waiting....patiently for our kids to grow into kids that can continue a discussion about walking the dogs without an argument! 

As soon as I write this....I think...wow! we have good kids. If someone reads this who doesn't know how wonderful they are......yet, they are teens so if they have any exposure to teens....they will know? They may even be nodding their heads as they read my words.They will know that this is an honest mother telling the account of days with teens. Will they no how much I love these kids. Nope.

I didn't even remember how I have flashbacks sometimes.....of me, at 14 and at 15.....hmmmmm. I hate to admit this...but I was less than delightful during those years! Did I ever mention that my mom had white hair? Coincidence?  In the moment of the argument/interruption/conversation.....I bite my tongue and remember that we are still growing these sensitive, self conscious, insecure, awkward, uncomfortable teens into fine human beings....it may take awhile.

I finally got my photo from satuday nightuploaded. Very COLD night at the big playoff!

Facebook Fun

  SHARING SOME FACEBOOK FUN!

 

My status late this afternoon.....

Today Fitzy gulped down a chunk of the gingerbread lighthouse.

 

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• • FRIEND COMMENT: 
    Had you mad the lighthouse yet? or was it sitting waiting to be assembled?
    
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    FRIEND COMMENT;

    Oh no! Caroline just finished that yesterday! Reminds me of when Riley a whole batch of chocolate crinkle cookies that were cooling on a table. Grrrrrrrrr....
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    MY COMMENT:

    Biff's mom brought it on Thanksgiving...L.L.Bean...awesome!
    
  • FRIEND COMMENT: 

    Fitz is at it again huh? LOL, don't mean to laff but it is pretty funny
    
  • FRIEND COMMENT:
    so do you have to walk him later? ummmmm another reason I am glad to not have a dog, early morning walks & clean ups~ lol lol
    
  • FRIEND COMMENT:

    sticking with the kitties i just have to hide my yarn!
    

    
    
  • FRIEND COMMENTT:

    lighthouse was cute
    
  • MY COMMENT:
    Hey! Caroline's kitty, Boo, would be a thief too...he always gets cozy when I'm having coffee or breakfast...kitty beast ...he's the kitten version of Fitz! His name at the rescue was "Thomas"...for what it's worth! (Thomas...my brother's name)
    

    
    
  • FRIEND COMMENT:
    Yes, I stick with my kitties, very independent they are and the she cats put the TOM cat in his place,,,,, lol lol
    

    
    
  •  FRIEND COMMENT:
    hahahahaha "Thomas" hahahah
    

    
    

    
    
  • FRIEND COMMENT:
    Always a party!
    

    
    

    
    

Best

littlemarymixup said...

A new life is a miracle. Everyday for you as a mom ...,living consciously, being present, using positive language, love, hugs, honesty, trusting your own instincts with the baby/child that you will know better than anyone, trusting in a higher power....your baby is blessed. You and your husband have been blessed. Love, love and more love and loving words to teach him throughout his life will make him a strong spirit...forever changing your life for the better! We learn all of the lessons we need through our children. This is a wild adventure. Love him.

I happened upon a blog of a woman hoping, waiting, wishing, dreaming and working full time on exploring possibilities of having a baby. She and her husband had been through all kinds of infertility work and had explored every option available to have their very own baby. Finally, after working on options, they decided to be open to adoption and had many disappointments until one day, a phone call changed their lives. Unprepared for this surprise gift, the couple realized this was the right situation and the birth mother did not change her mind.  They fell in love. She wrote of her insecurities as a new mom. She wrote of her mom's style mothering. She wrote of all the dreams she had for her baby. She wrote of her heartfelt feelings and beliefs she had as a new mom. She was sure that she could do it right. She would do everything in the world for this baby. She would give everything she had to this baby. She was ready and committed to love. She made promises to this baby boy that was now family. It was beautiful. The words. The dreams. The wishes. The hopes. As a new mom, it is awesome to have a new life,  new creation, a miracle,  sweet and pure to put every bit of energy we have into this being. Everyday is an opportunity to make our kids the best they can be, teaching them what matters...to us. We all begin with that fresh slate and think we can do it "right"...whatever our right is. These hopes we have for our baby may begin when we see our family and friends' babies. We all have those thoughts....."my baby will NEVER WATCH T.V."....."my child won't talk like that "......"I'm not ever going to raise my voice"....."I will never bribe my child".....blah.blah.blah. And then......you meet your own baby. Then you realize your sweet baby grow. Babies have personalities. Moms and dads have personalities. Babies get cranky. Moms and dads get cranky. Babies are just being who they are. Moms and dads are too. Babies have good days and bad days. Moms and dads have good days and bad days. On and on. I had those same dreams, hopes and wishes. Biff and I were sure we knew how to do it "right" and make our kids the best possible people they could be. We have done our best. Everyday we have a fresh start and we have started new every single day.....doing our best despite the kinks that life have come up along the way. We have always done our best. Life enters into the mix. Teachers. Neighbors. Sports. Dance. Kids. Families. Kids' friends. 

Life happens as we go on. We have all of the best dreams. We have the best kids we can have. We love them. We are there for them. We do everything we can to teach and teach more. We are preparing them for the big world out there. We can't save them from everyone and everything that will hurt them....that's the reality.  We can't save them from from themselves. We can only be there and be our best....for them. 

We have the greatest job in the world. It's the best job I've ever had....with the most insecurities. Just because we have our plans and dreams, we have to realize that not every plan and dream fits the child. Not every plan and dream makes sense for that child. We realize that the world enters the picture and mixes with our child's personality,energy and their dreams. We have to do our best and let go in some situations.

Our sweet innocent and pure babies grow. They learn to walk. We have to let them fall and learn to get up. That is the hardest balance for this mom. How far to let them go....before we stop. We do our best to give them an appropriate amount of independence. We have to let go...to learn. That is the hardest part. To give them the chance to grow we have to let go. Letting go is the hardest part.

"Nothing is really work unless you would rather be doing something else."
-James M. Barrie

Isn't that the truth! Funny how so many things we do are not work....once we get into it. I sometimes think of something as "work" until I'm working at it. Sadly, I have occasional trouble with procrastination. Mostly, I try to live by the owner of Biff's company,"GET IT DONE!" rather than my "sister" at college, Buffy, who had lots of work to do.with little time to do it. Today, when I have some "work" to do, I laugh at myself  when I  become aware that I am thinking like Buffy during that crunch to get school work done.

After locking herself in her dorm room for hours, our friends pleaded with her to open her door....we just wanted her to take a break from her hard work....we brought coffee and cookies.....when Buffy eventually caved and let us into her serious work zone, we were amazed to see the construction paper wallpapering her walls...a variety of brightly colored papers.....taped up high....lovely scrolled  cursive, in perfectly straight lines, with bold  magic markers, above her immaculate desk with unopened books read, "You Jerk Get Working!" That's why she was holed up in her room....to prepare her highly motivational words on paper while working up the energy to get the lurking work done! How often that happens to me.

Not necessarily sitting, taking the time to write in sprawling letters some clever little words like Buffy.........

I might consider those big puffy letters on clean, shiny poster board. 

I might have to go downstairs to my artsy zone filled with crafts, paints, pastels and markers of all different colors and a variety of pointed tips.

I might have to take out the box of new markers, a giant glass jar filled with favorites, a canvas bag of "travel markers" that I like to have with us on vacations or road trips, a jar loaded with paint markers used to write on plastic cups  for parties or Rubbermaid  bins and a spiffy new box for those special occasion projects that call for only the top of the line lettering. 

After sorting through the wonderful world of projects my creative juices might be lusting to fill my artistic yearning and pent up desires.

I might begin by testing some of the markers that look less than perfect. 

If I were to find a problem marker I might go upstairs to get the nail polish remover from the bathroom,

 go back down to my artsy zone and get involved in the long process of dipping the dried our markers in the nail polish to resuscitate those that might be less than perfect. 

 

After "working"  on some of their issues, I might have noticed that the jar was a bit dusty. I might take the jar upstairs to the sink to scrub it clean. 

While cleaning the giant jar, I might need the Windex glass cleaner that Biff may have used on one of his weekend projects.

At that point, I might have to go on a hunt to track it down or perhaps go out to the store to get a new bottle of Windex.

Alternatively, I might find myself  unsettled noticing that my art supplies had been tampered with, by an unknown teen for a class project, and take on the organizational project right then and there.

Not quite "You Jerk Get Working" but it is the same preparing for the task at hand!

This afternoon something similar occurred. We had  a neighbor offer our hard raking family his super duper leaf blower. An offer that filled my heart with joy! As I discussed the proposition with our good neighbor, he realized that it would need to be filled with gasoline. As Biff and the kids raked, I interrupted to inquire about our gasoline inventory(from the boat)...the raking was loud.  the slaving family had to halt their attempts at clean up, we had to discuss which red plastic gas jug to use, how to open the jug, look at the leaf blower's instructions (because some of the details escaped my memory during the question and answer session with my family), drive to the gas station while the others did the shake ad rake thing, put gas in the car out of habit and remembered .I was there to fill our red jug, filled the jug, drove home, got out of the car to let that machine rumble, Biff stopped raking to oversee my efforts only to realize we needed an additional ingredient...oil, had to stop and look for "the big yellow bottle" to pour into the "small yellow bottle" and start'er up!

I started up the machine and with all of the power of a 747 jumbo jet, I blew those leaves to Timbuktu! I was ecstatic and empowered. I first moved the leaves that had had been like a pricker bush on my back. Lugging the lawn/leaf blower over slate and rocks could not have been more gratifying.

 

 

T.J. approached me and motioned that he wanted the 747.  No I nodded emphatically. He pleaded his case above the noise and wind like we were out on the runway at Kennedy International Airport. Nope, I wasn't budging. After the 234 steps to make this event happen, it was mine..all mine

 

After lumbering along for an hour, with approaching darkness, Biff began his approach....he was hoping for a turn.....how could I turn him down. Besides, I had worked myself into a deep sweaty mess.

I left him to power on. I made my way up the driveway to the car. As I walked by newly washed car, I realized it was my plan to Windex the windows on the inside and vacuum out some sand and golden dog fluff from the rear. As I cleaned the windows, I remembered that I had Armour-all cleaner in the house, got it with paper towels, began to clean some of the dashboard.....one and a half hours later, I had the whole car good as new, with a collection of misplaced  mascaras, random wrappers, candy wrappers, coins, sunglasses, reading glasses, phone chargers from phones long retired, lipstick, blush, hand creme, one dollar, store receipts, hair clips, toothpaste tube,Vi-sine from Spring allergies, one Swiss Army Knife and one Revlon #210,

Electric Pink nail polish.....after Windex-ing  all of the interior windows, Armour-alling every surface available, sweeping out fur to be followed by a trip to the voluptuous vacuums at the car wash..that I could not use yesterday due to aforementioned STUFF. I guess it 's good to "GET IT DONE!" but after today, I'm thinking, "You Jerk Get Working" might keep life simple.....so I'd better get started on my construction paper notes. Mine will read....."Keep it simple."...not like my blog post today!

The same face I've seen while learning to walk...skate...swim...bike with no training wheels...jump waves and more. I can still remember those letting go moments. Teaching...teaching...teaching....and then seemingly sudden, ready to take off on her own. Isn't that what we've been doing all along? Teaching and preparing our kids to venture out into the world....little by little....on their own. This feels like one more step towards letting go. Bittersweet and somewhat ironic.

Driving lessons...a very special afternoon with my "little girl"......it reminded me of so many other moments teaching, trusting, encouraging, laughing, calming and pushing this same spirit throughout her whole life thus far. Open and trusting, proud and timid, anxious and thrilled, eager and mature...yet still the same little spirited, spunky and curious baby I knew since she was inside me....Biff and I kidded that our baby to be was our little love muffin in I will treasure these days together. It's not often these days that little muffin feels the need to rely on me. In my life today, our teens aren't often interested in getting more instructions from parents. As Grace navigated the winding beach roads, I coached quietly and reviewed the teaching moments we've shared along the way. Please don't confuse this with watching my life pass before my eyes!

EDIT
Back to the drawing board!
TAKE 3.
READY ON THE SET....ACTION......CAMERA.....ROLL 'EM!

Phew! I did it...I rolled 2 teenagers out of bed...got them moving.....had them speaking coherently....polite conversation.....they were dressed......out the door...and on the bus. As for me. That's another story.

Jinx and Daisy have the right idea....we're all exhausted.

We all had a wonderful weekend....a whirlwind of family, friends and fun. It all came together quite well. Biff and I have always said we want to have a home that is always welcoming to friends and family.  No matter what. No matter when.

Thankfully. Because we are far from perfect. Our friends and family seem to know that well and love us anyway. With lots of travel, work and kid scheduling, our house ends up last on our list. We knew that when the invitation for Thanksgiving came up....when Biff hacked my facebook and wrote as my status,"Who wants to come for Thanksgiving?" There were many funny comments on that post. Friends from across the country were all on board. With only 20 something coming for dinner, it seemed like a light crowd to feed. No problem.

People...easy. Food....easy.  Home to-do-list....long. Nothing makes us happier than having company to get us motivated. We are motivated but without a specific date, other things on the list get priority. With more travel than ever in November, we were truly challenged.

We accomplished quite a bit. Not everything.

Fitzgerald, Fitzy, Fitz......whatever we call this sweet puppy.....she is still a beast when it comes to food. Is this the face of a dog who ate half of MY turkey sandwich, put her nose into an apple pie sitting on the stove, conned some guests into hand feeding her turkey or once again, lapping up a cup of my coffee? Oh! Did I forget to mention the TWO 64oz. plastic bottles of juice she opened and drank while in the car? Yup. Don't let her fool you....that sweet face....that needy look she gives.....it's all an act. She used that on our overnight guests...they felt sort for her.....in an instant, she was into our garbage can....with a lid......up to her shoulders!

Biff left before 4 a.m. this morning. As we kissed goodbye this is what I saw! Daisy and Boo...cozy as ever.

Daisy catching some zzzz's while I've been off to the post office.....after a busy weekend with lots of company. Since food was a major activity over the weekend, Daisy was on high alert...watching out for Fitzy....and perhaps cashing in on some of Fitz's poor "manners"...exhausting!

Sunday afternoon...after our friends left for Massachusetts. Biff and I got our quiet before some more friends stopped in for a visit en route to Vermont.

A long walk on the beach with the dogs.....good fun!

"LOVE THAT PINK" By Revlon....that's the new color of our dining room! That was not the name on the chip. It was after Biff and I painted the first coat, it hit me.. the great color choice was meant to be...it was just like mom's Love That Pink lipstick! It was the perfect color pop of pink that I wanted! Best of all...when I checked in with Biff ,just a cell phone call away from the paint mix counter, I asked just how much he trusted me and how comfortable he was with his manliness......while  the man at the counter wait ed with bated breath to hear Biff's response. Biff didn't even have to pause before saying, "How much is it?" Silly. I told him it was about the color of the paint...... not about a new car! With color, he trusted me implicitly! I knew that already. I told Biff that it was just a courtesy call!  He said he knew that too! I knew that he knew me all too well.....but he knew that already. We communicate well. Painting....we're pretty good too.  He likes the taping and cutting in....I just love all of the rest! The details like unscrewing light switches.....just slows me down. Thankfully, those picky little details make him jump! After his initial panic....over lights and doo hickies.....oh, and some floor covering....Biff jumps right in to "help" or keep my Picasso in touch with his Michaelangelo! It was meant to be. It looks beautiful. And, we still love each other.

Thanksgiving Day quiet. I'm grateful....

The night before Thanksgiving.......An annual game between our football team and the big rivals...we won!

Funniest facebook status that popped up today. This was posted by an old friend, Jane. She lives in New York City.....

JANE: 

Today I made a clothing donation at a non-profit org. that provides business attire to women recently released from prison to help ready them for the job market. When I got to the front desk the receptionist asked me what time my appointment was.

 

SALLY:

You and Martha Stewart!

KATIE:

Or you and....Lyndsay Lohan.  Did you check out the clothes they had before you left??

JANE:

Next time I'll wear boots to hide the ankle bracelet.

DEDE:  

Perhaps it was the black and white stripe shirt?! 

JACKIE: 

LOL....

JANE: 

I was wearing an orange jumpsuit!

 

Sometimes facebook tickles my funny bone. to have so many friends in one place...popping in and out...mixed with newer friends and older friends and family friends we remember from years ago. We all have our facebook opinions. I enjoy the simple connections with family and  friends across the country. It's an amazing world....

World's Biggest Pipe Organ

ALL I CAN SAY IS.....WOW! 'Tis the season for random acts of anything good and cheerful and upbeat and moving and positive and thoughtful and loving and kind and caring and outside of ourselves......thinking about others and caring for others uses way more energy than feeling sorry for ourselves! I know we all have to take time for ourselves and I know how important it is to have balance in our life.

It makes me much happier when I take the time to acknowledge other people out there in our world.....wherever our world is....even on the street or in a store....I notice how people smile if we just say thank you and call them by name. Life is busy. Life is challenging. Everyone has their share of difficulties. As one of the greatest friends from college always says, " If you could trade your problems with somebody else, you'd want your own problems back!" Even if we can laugh at ourselves or have a little laugh with someone else in our world, it will be a better day...for all of us!

Hope you love this video! By the way, the dear, dear friend who sent this to me has been going through some very scary times with her husband and his cancer. Very serious. Very challenging. They are an awesome couple who love each other deeply and have shared their love since college. They live a wonderful life together. Billy has had cancer. He has survived his cancer and cancer treatments. Now after some time being in remission, they have been challenged by more cancer...caused by chemotherapy.

They have been in Mass. General Hospital for months. Their spirit and positive attiude and sense of humor( what her husband is known for most of all....when we hear his name it brings a smile to our faces....he is the one who made our Grace smile and laugh simultaneously for the first time!)....they do not stop fighting this disease. Billy is due to have a bone marrow transplant, from his brother, on November 30th. They need our prayers and good thoughts and love....from all over...the more the merrier.....love and hope and strength Whoever may read this blog, one or one thousand, please send your good thoughts to Billy and his honey, Jean.

The reason this came to mind is because throughout this whole process of her sweet husband's cancer, Jean has written the most inspirational letters to keep all of our friends updated. Jean's spirit has been a gift....to Billy and everyone she comes across. She trusts that her higher power will keep helping them through their chain of events. That has kept them strong. They are living in the moment. They are treasuring every moment. They share their ups and downs. They trust that they are taken care of. They know that there are no coincidences in life. They have been a gift to us all.

Jean has a gift in putting it all down on paper. I never even knew how well she could write. She was a math major in college, not a writer. Now, with passion and love, she has been blessed with the gift of writing beautifully and she has brought us all along on her journey....with thanks and love. Jean is giving and giving and giving and giving more.

Giving. Thanksgiving. Give thanks for everyone in our lives. Everyday. We won't have them all forever. We all have to get over ourselves and give...of ourselves.We all have to let go of what was. Who cares who is right and who may be wrong. Ego can mess up our whole world. If we stop thinking of ourselves and share with others, we may all live a better life.

If we try. If we share. If we are open. If we are honest and let down our guard. If we trust that we will be taken care of. If we let go of fear. If we stop wasting our energy on hate. If we just try every day to share random acts...of goodness...any kind of goodness,our lives will be fuller and richer and we will feel more love.

That's just that. Sounds kinda preachy. This is for me...to remind myself....to remember....to live it....to care....for OTHERS...not specific others.....those everyday others that we may pass on the street or in the grocery store. I wish this for the ones I love. I wish it for all of us because, I know when I stop and get grateful all of the good and all of the love....that surrounds us all....if we look and take note......life is better when we share.

If you are reading this, I thank you. My blog has changed my life. I thank you for helping me to have a better life...by sharing....by letting me write and laugh at myself. This blog and the encouragement from many of you has been a gift. Thank you. Very sincerely thank you.

Happy Thanksgiving week! Let's give thanks.  Allelujah!....... like the song!