Waiting

It's midnight. Do you know where your animals are?

WAITING for Daisy, who's WAITING for Jinx. Daisy let out the bark...the "let me out to get Jinx" bark. One woof. One abbreviated woof. That's it. She's out.

It's a lovely mild night. That's why we're still WAITING for Jinx.

Daisy's sitting quietly outside. WAITING. WAITING. WAITING.

Then I hear the call of the wild. One abbreviated woof. That's when it's time for me to jump. They're WAITING. Looking. LOOKING! I can see Jinx's white teeth in the dark. Now they're ready. Phew! I'm tired. I opened the door and they trotted in side by side. Jinx got his midnight snack. Daisy is looking at me. LOOKING at me. She's WAITING for me.

WAIT a minute. She's tiptoe(paw)ing up the stairs. Hey! WAIT a minute. WAIT for me! Now Fitzy is snoring.

I'm finally going upstairs too. It's taken so long to round up the critters that Biff will probably be snoring too.

"Mom, Where's My Jersey?"

All moms know that tone....the tone of voice used by our children when they call out our name. That name may be THE most important job title in the world, "MOM" but when it precedes the word/s "where are my..." or "have you seen..", it's usually an indication that we have our work cut out for us.

It all started last night just as I settled into my favorite comfy chair with my cup of tea. Ahhhhhh.

In an instant, my ahhhh was interrupted by that tone with my title. It was as if I heard the siren of the emergency broadcast system on television.

That's when the mania began! After an exhausting search with much re-tracing T.J.'s steps and sidesteps, we turned up with nothing. NO lacrosse jersey for today's game. Clean laundry stacks. No.
Washing machine. No.
Dryer. No.
Lacrosse Duffle. No.
Car. No.
Under bed. No.
Closet. No.
on and on and not kidding...on.

Nothing. Every. Single. Place. We. Checked. Nothing. Nowhere. No how.

Before T.J. left for school this morning, I heard that tone with my title. If T.J. didn't have his Jersey by this afternoon's game, the coach wouldn't let him play. Talk about pressure.

I hunted some more. Biff too. I hunted and raced against the clock. Nothing. Zero. Zip. I got a phone call. Later, a text. Urgent. From T.J. Where is it?

I talked to another team player's mom. We brainstormed. She gave me more intuitive mom suggestions. Nothing. I kept looking as we spoke. Then, I screamed...I FOUND IT! HERE IT IS! I scared my friend. We hung up our phones. I called T.J. , left a message on his cell and texted him with the news.

I flew out the door with his jersey and drove off to the game, miles away. My phone rang. I kept driving. It rang again. I drove on. My curiosity made me pull over. There was a text from T.J....Don't bring my jersey. What? WHAT?

Just then, Biff called. He told me that T.J.didn't want me to bring the shirt. T.J. told Biff that moms shouldn't be bringing kids' equipment etc. for them . It's high school. Kids have to take responsibility for their own stuff!

Ironic. I met. Biff at the away game. Our son had to sit out on the sidelines today...while his jersey sat in the car.

Love Is In The Air

or in the woods...at the beach...by the side of the road...in the driveway ...we have love to give and we're blessed to have people who love us....it's always a good thing to have little reminders.

Just A Moment

Sometimes it's all we need...a mom moment. I had to take a few minutes to rest...it wasn't passing out, I swear! I just had a little sugar crash.

Maybe it was after the Hershey's kisses...someone must have added some to the candy dish when i wasn't looking..really. I was really trying to control.it. A sugar hangover? No way...not me....I don't have a problem.

Sure I had a little too much. OK..maybe it's true. Maybe I just had too much. Maybe I just had one too many...I wasn't even sloppy. My words weren't slurring. No stumbling. No one told me I made a fool of myself. Phew! They didn't notice the strings from the wrappers or the foil. I didn't even consider driving.

I don't do it during the day. I don't sneak around. It's all out for everyone to share. I can't help it if no one else dipped into the stash. It all happened so fast...

Thats it....that was my last one. I'm never doing that again...I never want to feel like this again. I never want to feel out of control. Oh no! The kids noticed all of the tin foil wrappers in the garbage. They know. Kids always know. That's the worst...now they'll be rolling their eyes behind my back...not the regular teenage eye rolling...the kind they do because they're ashamed to see their mom like that...especially in front of friends or some family...again.

That's it. No more sugar hangovers. Maybe I hit bottom. maybe I just got tired of being sick and tired. I've been living in denial. I have to change.....if I can't do it for myself...I have to do it for them.

A new day. I can begin today. Just say no. Maybe I'll be a good example! Maybe they'll see that I can still have lots of fun without a candy dish in my hand! I'm doing it...one day at a time!

They have meetings everywhere.There must be one listed in the phonebook. What if people recognize me at a meeting...wait...if they're at a meeting too, that must mean they understand how hard it is to stop. oh thank goodness I'm not alone! It's all good!

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. AMEN!

One Day at a Time....

There's hope for all...one day at a time!

One Hershey's kiss at a time!
One....cigarette....
one...glass of wine...
one beer....
one .......anything.....

To thine own self be true!

Dedicated to so many family and friends who have shared so honestly about their challenges and gifts and joys...in recovery...sobriety...and showing others, by example, how much better life is today.

Also dedicated to my friends and family ....who have not yet realized how much pain, shame and sadness they've caused their families and friends or coworkers. To those who are struggling with their own truth ... we love them and pray for them always...to be freed from the anguish they live with each day.

And to the many friends and family who just couldn't do it...one day at a time. We love them so much...and they loved us...

Another Red

Buds

Yes. It's true. Buds and bits of greens are just beginning to pop. Spring has been teasing us...

Eco-friendly Easter Baskets

After all of our Easter Bunny visits over the years, I gave up buying new Easter baskets...I'm doing reduce/ re-use/recycle this year! Even the Easter Bunny brings too much STUFF! Easter baskets were from the family room...for organizing STUFF! How nice it will be to put them back where they belong....you know how organized we are....I hope I remember where they came from

Speaking of organization....I prepared the Easter baskets last week. I had bought all of the goodies except the coveted chocolate bunnies...hollow. I was waiting to find the family favorite. Waiting. I had to keep all of the goodies on a high shelf in the garage...unlike the old days...pre-Fitzy!

You know the rest of the story...no bunnies. UNTIL this afternoon...CVS was open...everything Easter on sale!!! YES! We had just been rollerblading at the beach...at least we had some exercise before the chocolate bunnies!

Morning Moments

When Jinx is feeling the love, he jumps up on our back and shoulders. It's something he's always done. Animals bring life to our home...the only one missing this morning was a real live Easter Bunny!

Side By Side

Golden Morning

Really Sweet

Love Them

Happy Easter!

Hugs and kisses on Easter morning! This morning was quiet and peaceful outside with my coffee....and the menagerie. Daisy, Fitz and I were soaking up some sunshine, Jinx joined the coffee klatch. Looking at all of the buds and new life was very moving on Easter Sunday. Rebirth. The gift of life. Precious life!
I realized the animals were living in their own world...very peacefully.A beautifully symbiotic world!

Family Photos

I just stumbled upon my grandmother's scrapbook. I wish that the photographs could speak to me. This picture seems to be the family picking blueberries. What lovely family times they had. I recognize some of of grandma's family..brothers, sisters and friends. I wish I could ask my grandma and my mom about their lives...day to day life, special travels, events and friends. If you're blessed enough to have family still with you, ask now...everything you've wondered about. Ask now...you'll be happy you did.

Eggs and Bunnies and Memories

 

Decorating Easter eggs is one of my favorite memories of Easter. We have had so much fun over the years. Even though Grace and T.J. are older now, we still have fun decorating the eggs. We like to get the  traditional Paas Egg Decorating kit and lose the stickers enclosed.  The whole family joins in and we come up with some crazy eggs....

Tie dye eggs...You could have guessed that!  

Stripes. 

Monogrammed, using a crayon first so the dye won't take on the wax.

Polka dots

Rasta colors

No matter how crazy the eggs get, it's fun for us all to be together with a common goal. Creativity creates peace in our home. Everyone has style.

My mom loved to dye Easter eggs when she visited for Easter. I think of her whenever I see the Paas Easter Egg Kit. She loved it. Her preference was solid pastels. After they were colored, she got her bunnies in a row and put the eggs in all of her crystal candlesticks. Mom loved decorating for the seasons....at Easter, I'm thinking pink candles.I'm happy that our memories are sweet.

Mom loved to come with Easter Baskets for the kids. She loved to watch them hunt for eggs and jellybeans She was delighted to see them dressed in their Easter finest. Going to church with them added a new dimension to prayer. Easter Baskets, eggs, bunnies and enthusiasm. That's how I think of mom at Easter.

What Easter Bonnet Will You Be Wearing?

As the song goes......

Never saw you look quite so pretty before
Never saw you dressed quite so lovely what's more
I could hardly wait to keep our date this lovely Easter morning
And my heart beat fast as I came through the door
For

In your Easter bonnet, with all the frills upon it
You'll be the grandest lady in the Easter parade

I'll be all in clover and when they look you over
I'll be the proudest fellow in the Easter parade

On the Avenue
Fifth Avenue
The photographers will snap us
And you'll find that you're
In the rotogravure

Oh, I could write a sonnet about your Easter bonnet
And of the girl I'm taking to the Easter parade

Generic Easter Families

 

 

 

I did.  I used the loud voice. The desperate mother voice.

 

We stand on the sidelines. Parents. Moms and dads. We all have someone we love playing out on the field. We all  love and care deeply for each of our children. We stand watching our team...through the good, the bad and the ugly. Players in the game, players on the sidelines, on the field...defense, offense, goalies, middies.... penalties, players down, time outs, goals, missed goals. 

 

As we stand on the sidelines, we all have one thing in common....we love our boys and we want them to play their best and win the game. Each of us knows how much they have invested in the game...the practices, the training, the years of dedication.  We also know our own boy. We know how desperately they want to win. We know that this has been a tough year for these guys. They have new players, a new coach  and they've had disappointments. They keep working. The team plays well. Sadly, we have seen their opponents play better...or luckier...or.....

 

So, on the sidelines, we want them to win...not just for the win but for the spirit of each boy who works so hard. We know our boy. We know how hard he will take it if the team doesn't win. We know what happens on the ride home...the disappointment of his own plays, disappointment of the team, feeling bad that the team has disappointed the coach....overall misery for all.

 

We know our boys. We feel their pain. They are big guys now....taller, stronger, tougher. They play hard. They do their best. To us, they are still our little guys. They may have deeper voices. They may have bigger, smellier feet. They may get sweatier. The may yell louder. Their lacrosse sticks are longer. But, they are our boys. We know them better than anyone. We know their ups, their downs and their in betweens. We remember how they played as toddlers, we remember their time-outs and we remember their tantrums. We see all of this as they play on the field. We see it in their faces when they get a penalty and when they miss a goal..We know that they still like peanut butter and jelly, only on whole wheat.

Moms and dads care. Moms and dads get excited as we watch the games. Some may shout out plays or yell to the ref. while others, like me, cheer for our team. I call out their names! I shout out the name of  the team! The other moms and dads do the same. Sometimes I  do my loudest whistle. I yell DEFENSE! YOU GOT IT! YOU CAN DO IT!  and more. So do the other moms. We stomp our feet on the grass. We turn away. We shout some more. 

Almost every one of us have heard those words...before the game, during the game or after the game. We may even hear our kids beg of us in their sleep. Their view of their world. T.J. can only hear my voice out on the field. Mike's mom only hears her voice. Grace heard only one thing at her last game...it was when I called her name for another player....same uniform...same ponytail...same pink goggles and a random happy color stick. No matter where, when or how....they do not want to be different. They want to fit it.. They do not want embarrassment. It's all about them. Life. Their life. The way they see it. The teenage struggle.throughout time. They think it is only their struggle.

 

Still on the sidelines, we talk about our families.We compare our kids stories from school. We laugh. We see them miss a goal and we cringe. We root some more and try to will their ball into the net. We scream. We pout. We talk amongst ourselves. We talk about our boys. We talk about school. We compare stories. We talk about the royal wedding. 

 

Parents on the sidelines....it's a connection like no other. We know the boys play on the same team. We know they are friendly We have known many of them for years...if only at the sidelines and Stop and Shop or a second grade field trip to the farm. We know how they play. We know where they live. We know their siblings. We know there will always be superstars. We know there will be kids who struggle. We know there are some who do it because there older brothers or sisters play.We know the parents who live through their kids. We know there are players who give it their all. We know which players lose their temper.We know which players hog the ball.

T.J was on his way  back out to the field. He ran towards our gaggle of parents who had been cheering our hearts out. He ran towards me..I smiled the smile of a proud mom...I wanted to give him support....by giving him that motherly nod of approval. .He continued towards me like a football player en route to a touchdown....he had his helmet on...he had his mouthpiece in....he had his stick in his hands... like a weapon? He looked fierce!

 

No, he looked fiercely at me....he spewed through his mouthpiece, "DO NOT CHEER! STOP".....and he was gone. Out on the field. In the game..Did I mention that he had eye black on his cheeks.... that somehow it looked like war paint?

 

We continued our chatter on the sidelines. We laughed at our teenagers'  rules. They really believe that we should listen to their rules. We call out the wrong names. We cheer at the wrong time.We cheer too loud. We take pictures. We call out the name of the town when we should call out the name of the school. We don't know the game.We just don't get it. I continued cheering. I stopped the whistles. I still cheered. The other moms and I felt as superstitious. Just like players in the big league....and our boys have superstitions.... .we thought when we cheered they got the goals. Maybe? Either way, we know they need us.

 

One More Time

Grace's masterpiece for Earth Day. Thanks to Starbucks, I had a free Earth Day coffee because I brought in my travel mug.

I guess I should thank my Cake Boss for this groovy cake. Oh wait. Grace and T.J don't like when I use that word. Groovy. Groovy. Groovy. Groovy. Groovy. Groovy. Nee-ner-nee-ner- nee-ner!

Tug of War

Our dogs love a good tug of war after retrieving sticks from the water. Growling and gripping the sticks with their white teeth, they dance back and forth in the wet sand. I love to see them play.

There are plenty of "tug of wars" with Grace and T.J., who are growing up with feelings, opinions and new ideas of their own. Just as Biff and I do our best to teach and expose our kids to the world, our kids do their teenage "job" by challenging our opinions, ideas and boundaries...within reason. Some days there are more challenges than others!

This week was a very low key vacation. We enjoyed our time away. We were home in time for lacrosse practices and games. We had some time to relax at home. We were not off by plane to a faraway paradise, Disneyworld or foreign country.

We are blessed with many gifts. Our children are blessed to live a wonderful life with an abundance of love, family, friends and new experiences.

As anyone living day to day with teenagers knows, it is essential to have a sense of humor. To live with people who doubt my sense of style, facial expressions, timing,old school words and worries, choice of dogs, elocution, work and prioities...a sense of humor is not optional!

Ironic. While discussing vacations of "everyone else," each child had plenty to say. The following quotes really came out of the mouths of our babes..one from each child...please remember these words before reading:

1. Teenagers.
2. Irony.
3. Drama
4. Violin.

Quote #1. "Mom...do you think we could go to Australia? I really want to go. Seriously, we've never been anywhere. Do you think it's possible? Really...please tell me because I'd like to think I could have some decent childhood memories "

2. How come everyone else can go to Disneyworld, like, every year... and I've NEVER been even once? Nevermind now...it's too late...it doesn't even matter now. My childhood's practically over anyway! I'll just have to take MY kids!"

For real. Really. Welcome to my world!

Look Who I've Become!

The Devil You Know....

Yup. It's true. the devil you know is better than the devil you don't. I held out. I gave in. I sold out. I put up. I got down. I was fed up.....that's how it happened.

Today's beautiful weather of blue skies and sunshine started the whole thing. I was out and about early this morning to help a friend. Windows down, sunroof open, music on, Daisy in the back with the wind blowing her lovely golden furry locks...

Then....I noticed my goldilocks. NOT! Just one glance...that's all it took. One glance in the rearview mirror...and I knew I was a "Glamour Don't." My hair....although holding it's own in the golden department....desperately needed some lovin'...and quick!

It was time to pick myself up, dust myself off and start all over again. But how? What's a girl to do? Who could I turn to?

I know. I know. I said I wouldn't go back. I was desperate though. I had to. HAD TO. No question.

I did it. I acted like a grown up. I stopped in to see if my ex-hairdresser would take me in ....in off the street...for a cut and squeeze in a touch of color to hide my grays. I admit it. I hit bottom. I reached an all-time low ...I know. But come on man...I needed something...anything. I was in rough shape. I brought cash baby. This was serious stuff. I had to make it work.

My hairdresser was happy to see me. I didn't have to grovel or beg. I just had to sit in the chair...and look at myself in the mirror to see what I had become. That was punishment enough!

Hairy Situation

Do I have to beg? Well, maybe.

My Cake Boss

Grace was inspired...all day she hounded me to buy the ingredients for her cake idea. I did what my cake boss wanted. This is her tie dye cake!