Monday, January 11, 2010

no wonder why i'm exhausted.

a new day.  everyday is a fresh start.  i don't hold grudges or hang on to old hurts because it wastes my energy and makes me kind of cranky.  i hate makes me more cranky.  as a kid, i used to pout....somehow, i thought it would get me somewhere.  it never did.  i thought it would get me attention....i ended up an outsider.  somewhere in my 20's, i caught on.  the pouting thing just didn't work.  as i told our kids,  " if you're mad and feel like pouting, just go to another room and come back when you're ready...nobody will invite you back.  when you're pouting, nobody wants to play and  you'll miss out on all of the fun."

i still feel that way.  it took me almost 20 years to catch on, but what a freedom that was.  why waste my time.....and energy.  sometimes stuff, in the world of a mom with kids, can suck the energy right out me, like a high powered hoover.  highs and lows.  every hour. even after almost 15 years of being a mom, i am caught by surprise when i feel as deflated as a 2 day old birthday balloon.

i do my best.  i try to keep myself together. i try to keep my husband and i together, just to keep the fun and lovin' alive!  i try to keep the kids together.  i try to keep the dogs together...i try to keep the cats together.  i try to keep our house together.  i try to keep all of our lives together.

and try is the word.  some moms just do it, like nike.   some just seem to do it all and do it all well.  maybe "seem" is the key word.  just sayin.

i just plain try.  but, like a bad country song, whining on and on, "i guess i can't do it good...ain't nothin good enough.... i got dust bunnies in the dining room and a stove that don't work, my cat brought a field mouse in and the kids think i'm a jerk."  and that's just since they got off the bus.

"sometimes i try too hard and can't keep up no more....i want them kids to pack their bags and head for the door.....we done our best, it's time to rest, send em on their way......until i find my love's so big, i want them back to stay."  and that's just since their teens.

i love them. i just don't always like them. they are the most loving, wonderful kids in the world.  until they're not.  then again, i'm so proud that they are truly good, deep down, good loving, funny kids.  they are incredibly smart and fun to be with.  until they're not.

i try to tell them how much i love them. i tell them.   i tell them how good they are.  i try to tell them  how proud i am of them.  i tell them. i tell them that they are smart and that they have good instincts and common sense.  i am sincere. on and on and on. they argue.  they tell me it's not true....they say that i don't love them.  they tell me i don't really think they are good kids.........they tell me that i just make it up. they tell me that it's not true.

and i wonder why i am exhausted.

they tell me for days that we have no food to eat.  there is nothing in the house.  they are starving.  they are thirsty.  they ask if we are poor.  i like to let the food dwindle down every once in awhile.....we have so much.  we let so much go to waste.  they plead. they seem faint and weak.....and moaning.  i am tempted to sing that same song our parents sang to us...."don't you realize that there are children in_____starving to death!"  i hold back.

i hold back alot.  it takes alot of self control to be a sensitive new age parent!  i'm not in "everyone gets a medal!" club, but i have certainly done my very best to hold back from random, thoughtless words.

biff and i have both worked very hard to hold back from harsh words.....with our kids and each other. ya know, never go to bed angry.....never use words as weapons and all that.  i think that's how we still keep the love alive.

so, today, since i had reached my own limit of bare shelves and limited lunch supplies and creativity was waning, i took the plunge and went to the grocery store. i had that grocery cart so full, that one of the men in the dairy department basically cut me off from more shopping.  maybe it was the eggs and yogurt teetering on top of the bananas and the gallons of milk rolling out from under the grocery cart that made him wince.  i'll tell you, i've been "cut off" in pubs during rowdy college days, but i've never been "cut off" at a grocery store.  does this mean i've hit a bottom?

i met another mom at the grocery store that had reached her shopping limit.  she said she was exhasuted, had no energy left and was looking forward to going home to crash.  another exhausted soul, deflated by the ups and downs of motherhood.  

i got home, with bags and bags of groceries.  after many trips back and forth to the car, i stood in the kitchen with the family....unpacking the overflowing bags of  food so that our children could go back to eating us out of house and home.  after making it to the store, through the store and home in record time, i was breathless and proud of my hard work....hunting and gathering....preparing meals for the week.  i even handled the deli counter  and the meat department....that was huge.

just as there was a pause in the frenzy and excitement of the food reviews, i heard a teen voice say, " oh my God, why did you buy so much food.  this is more than we can eat in a month!"

oops.  i forgot the dog food.  now, the dogs will be cranky.

no wonder why i'm exhausted.