Wednesday, March 17, 2010

and that's it...i've been to the doctor. i finally realized that i had to go.  i have to take care of myself. . i really really do try. no matter how much anyone else cares, it's still my responsibility to take care of me.  i say i do but i don't...always.

actually, after having babies and becoming totally aware of the awesome it works has always amazed body can prepare itself for a  teeny tiny baby to be....feed and grow a baby.  if i try to take care of myself and my body, there is a very good possibility that i'll have this baby ...on it's own or with assistance....i can have the baby in my arms and then i can feed the baby with my own....and to complete the circle, the most incredible part of all feeding the baby .....i lose weight!  and get back into blue jeans in a few weeks!  now that's a miracle!  truly!
after a week and a half, now i have new aching in my head and temples, the light is bothering my eyes. 
my head is pounding.
that was from skiing....but i also hit the back of my head on the ice.... while ice skating a few weeks ago! two times in a month!!  i know.... in my whole life, i have never had a black out...not the st. patrick's day  kind of blackout.  my head and helmet hit the went black for a moment....
my body is trying to tell me's time to listen.
  i made my appointment with the doctor today and slept through my 9:30 appointment....had to reschedule for this afternoon at 2p.m.  reviewing my symptoms and doing some small tests, the doctor scheduled me for a catscan at the hospital. after all, she was surprised that i hadn't been to the doctor yet...even though i had my own nurse to sit and assess it immediately....and our friend, a doctor, assess the symptoms and the details of the fall.

i was relieved to have it checked out....and as my mother used to blurt out in frustration..."do you need to have your head examined?" and i was relieved to be taking care of myself...

i had thought about going to the doctor...but i listened to everyone tell me that it was a mild concussion...that i seemed o.k.....that i had only blacked out for a moment...i went against my own tendency to take care of myself!   easier to listen to them than myself....nagging me ...a little bit...

so, after checking in with the doctor,i left feeling better that i had attended to my head...actually thankful to have the doctor say that i should have the catscan...think of the brain...and one big bonk...on the front...and one on the back....

i stopped at the receptionist.  she wanted more healthcare information.  i had to call biff.  he was on his way to massachusetts....he offered the information...and then he asked,"is that covered?"  who knew?  i would check...and i realized that the $1400 bill made biff hesitate. and $1400. to have it read...never had anything like that happened....ever...this was biff.....this was the economy....this was the healthcare system of today....

this is the healthcare world that hadn't really affected me greatly. we were covered...i was one of the more fortunate ones in the healthcare system.....we are a family very blessed. biff not only has a job he loves...he has benefits. we always keep life most the beginning of the sales starts slow in the first few months of the year.  now it wasn't just a commission statement...this was the trickle down of the economy.  my head  pounding and it's up to washington, d.c.....whether or not i can have a catscan.  something's not right there.

yet, today, standing at the receptionist window, i couldn't believe we were talking about money...when lights were bothering my eyes and my temples and head were pounding.

$1400. seems to make a lot of people think twice these days...and $1400. more to read it!.even the doctor said she has lots of people stop and question this huge bill....especially now, in this economy.  the slow down, decline, depression....whatever we want to call it, makes us all think twice about what we need to have done.  i am always concerned that doctors recommend the next test because of malpractice concerns.

i just didn't think that we would ever think like this....and certainly not biff!  why did i think were different?....everyone has a lot of concerns in this affects everyone.

we live a very comfortable life, we have awesome vacations... with great friends who share their goodness...with our family!  what a gift! we are aware and very grateful...we live in a beautiful place...we love the beach...the woods...the fun trips....sailing...skiing....biking...and more.......lots more.....

yet, today, i felt for every person in america with a job loss or no job or a low job or insurance with that still costs a lot....even with the copay....i thought about our insurance company that doesn't always cover our connecticut doctors..

wow! they make it hard.  i left the doctor's office in tears.  biff questioned the doctor.  i questioned biff.  biff was very concerned.....

i worried that he was concerned that it wasn't worth it.  that i wasn't worth it!  for the first time in our life. it was all about health and health care and health benefits...and the economy...and sales...and hong kong...and the car industry in the u.s. and money and everything that we read in the news about "others" and their problems with health care and coverage...and sickness....and wellness......

i didn't go to the appointment at the hospital for the catscan....i waited and talked to biff....he talked to the doctor...and the hospital...and me. i drove home.  sick about our healthcare...for choices we are making based on the system.

i still had the pounding headache in my temples and the light bothering my eyes.  i felt like an inconvenience.  i felt like i was expecting more than i should require.  i felt i was asking too much....

i was sick...headache, lights, questions, lack of clarity and lack of.....everything.  this is with a husband who works very hard and does very well.....we are conservative....we don't live high on the hog.....we live choice....we want to live a simple, but wonderful life....with our family the priority.

 today, i simply had to question how much i mattered. for real. i drove home. aching. in tears.  because i  knew what i had to do. have a cat scan. the doctor said i  could go to a neurologist, in lieu of a cat scan.isn't a neurologist going to want to look at a cat scan?
what about the head pounding? the light? i felt worthless....not worth the price of a catscan.

home, finally. where i had been planning some fun st. patrick's day festivities.i had some lucky charms cereal for grace and t.j.'s snack, some corned beef, shamrock paper plates, sweet treats, some irish music, some festive wasn't what i had hoped for.  i wanted to celebrate the fun and traditions of family and heritage.

i took our sweet puppy for a catscan last year at this time.  i paid for her catscan...because we love matter what.....and she was worth it....and i was happy to know....relieved to know...she was fine....and i was so glad that i knew it!
i was grateful that we knew she was all right.
i never once said, "was she worth it?"

i still say i'm coming back as a golden retriever!
follow up...all of a sudden , a trip to the doctor, turned into an editorial bit on the healthcare system!  it's just one more crazy mixed up thing in our's overwhelming to both biff and i.
  it seems that some of my own friends that have read this were thinking that i was writing/talking about my husband, biff, like he was the bad guy. that's not something i do.  that actually freaked them out...then, me.....i'm sorry if i've  suggested that he is the bad guy. that is far from the truth...way far from the truth. biff always has our family first...always.

everything i stuff that i share openly with biff and i only share information that i feel comfortable sharing.  i prefer to have no secrets in my life. 

i  tell my "stories" and try to explain the "real" story....without going too deep.  the depth of this story was to acknowledge the everyday stress of figuring out our own some economically challenging times....when we are being extra cautious
.  i wrote $1400......for the catscan...i didn't write $1400. to read the catscan...that's a considerable amount of money to lay out without knowing how much will be paid, reimbursed etc.....biff has spent hours this week on the phone to figure it out.

and that's part of my problem too.  even our simple coverage is intimidating to figure keep updated.  that's when we're all healthy!  when we need it, it seems we're always in some loophole.
i guess, what amazed me most was that biff and i....who do care about family more than money....even with family as a priority...even with an upscale's a tough decision and it's hard to get through the red tape!

thankfully, biff and i are able to talk about all of this disturbing stuff...we always talk it out..we respect each other and each other's opinions! maybe that wasn't fair if i didn't let you know that!  sorry... to you and to biff!

i still want to come back as a golden window in the car....great light up when you come in the room...great comfy beds with monograms....who could ask for more?

Lord Of The Dance - The Dubliners [8/26]'s the irish version!

Emma Kate Tobia

lovely irish singer at the parade today. she sings like an angel!

theu link above is one of my favorite blogs that i've happened upon...she is a lovely irish mom, living on the east coast of ireland, near dublin.  she writes so lyrically and has sweet, lovely stories of her life with ireland.  she has a lovely book of poetry with gorgeous photos.  i stop at her blog often to allow me the pleasure of memories in ireland and the wonderful irish ways...she makes me feel like i could live least, she makes me feel like she tells my kind of stories in  delightful and melodious moments.  a treat for the eyes and ears and imagination!

this is my little st. patrick's day tribute to the sod!

and the kelly green sweater is in my e-bay store for a st. patricks day sale!

here's to all of the irish & the luck of the irish to all!

Emerald Society

a friend sent this to me on facebook...a wee bit o' the parade! the bagpipes give me that sweet feeling of family get togethers and all of the parades we've gone to over the years....newyork parade, garden city parade, westhampton beach parade and the montaukparade! st. patrick's day this year i have a bittersweet feeling...thinking of all of the older family and friends....lots of great memories!