Thursday, March 4, 2010

mine is better!

another sunroof shot. not very springlike today.
very cold and windy. raw.  it's march. no surprise.
i walked the dogs at the beach today
no excitement in my life today. the emotional weather at home was similar to the weather down at the least for grace today. quiet, cold, chilly and rocky....changing....not predictable.
i'm very tired. some days are like that.  especially, when
i haven't had enough sleep. again, i got carried away with my e-bay listings....lots of fun merchandise....i have so much fun....except that i lose track of time.  i told biff i'd be up in a minute and it was an hour.  wow!



so, the dogs get another beach day.  at this beach, fitzy needs a leash.  sometimes she just can't be trusted....she'll go anywhere for food.  really.  anywhere.  so, it's a leash fun for her and no fun for me. 
i feel bad that she hasn't caught on....she did come to us with some issues that we just haven't been able to tackle. food is the major beastie issue....anywhere, anytime, anyhow.  

the good news is that biff doesn't seem to do the run, slide on his knees across the kitchen floor and tackle!  it created quite the scene during dinner.  that's only solved today by keeping every single morsel of food tucked away....and that'w while she's on her leash!   if it's out, it's a party invitation to fitzgerald!  engraved. when she first arrived we were very say the least!  biff was the victim of her love, desire and  attack of food ....she took his dinner off the table in one fell swoop!  in seconds, it was eaten!  gulped. wolfed. gobbled. gone!

she has come a long way....good thing she is so sweet and adorable with her soft,teddy bear head....we can't help but love her....and love is what she and food.
she's no daisy!  daisy made dog training easy!  she is my dream dog!  nurturing and loving....sweet and gentle.  any dog who waits up for the kitties.....she's incredible.  love is her middle name. love! loving! loveable!  she even herds fitzy....she is very sweet with fitzy but i do think fitzy has rocked her boat just a thing for sure...daisy eats much faster.  it's a dog eat dog world. 

so, as i drove with daisy and fitzy in the car, i decided to take them to the little beach...the first beach we visted when we came for the first time to see our new town to be.  it's small...and beautiful.  what beach isn't beautiful?

you may notice my low grace doesn't want to speak to me. i'm not sure why.  thankfully, i don't take it personally. so far today, the only contact that i've had with her has been breathing!  i know right now, she'd prefer that i didn't....breathe that is, not have contact. the good news is that grace is sweet and loving and funny with her friends....and their parents...and her teachers.  they all love her.  we love her like crazy.....we also make the rules!  that's where our lives get complicated!

this mom thing is a real tight rope act.  i try to give space when she needs some and i talk when she wants to talk, i listen when she doesn't want me to talk and only listen...and tomorrow morning,..i go with the flow, you might say! 

that's o.k.  when i was a freshman in high school, i remember lots of ups and downs.  there's so much changing....friends, work, even the bigger building, sports, classes....they have so much going much to think is changing.

same for t.j.  some days, i just seem to bug him.  some days i say words like "blog"....the b-word just doesn't sit well with his 13 1/2 year old self.  he has always been one for semantics.  so, it's only appropriate for him to find fault with my vocabulary.  he doesn't like when i use my word "sneaks" for sneakers or when i say, "it pleasures me." another tight rope...words come up alot in conversation.

i have a son who has been very easygoing.  he hasn't mentioned boarding school for a while.  he seems to be o.k. living here with us for now.  that may change tomorrow!  one thing for sure...everyday is new.  everyday is different.  change is good....i think?  

thankfully, biff and i are pretty consistent!  very consistent!  we're confused. we have never done this before.  thankfully, we're doing it together.  thankfully, we're on the same page.  sometimes we look at each other with cartoon thought balloons over our heads.  

  there is no book....there is no set of directions....i don't do so well with directions anyway.....there are no recipes...there is no print out for this parenting game...there is no game plan.....there is no app...there is no computer program. 

so we do our best.  we just do the best we can.  everyday.   we love our kids so much!  they know that.  they have to challenge that. that's their job.  

just when we think we've figured them out, they go and change on us.  no matter what, we are there for them...actually, we are here for them. 

unless, i'm walking the dogs.  that's one of my moments.  moments make the difference.  one moment i'm a good mom, and another moment, i'm the worst mom in the world.  sometimes i know when to take my cue....i walk the dogs.  the dogs are grateful....and so am i!  if i can't be grateful at the beach, where can i be grateful?  and....even the dogs seem grateful!

they seem to know that.  even if grace is boycotting me today. there has been contact. with biff. grace made contact with biff. 

  biff made pound cake tonight.  apparently, grace had a slice.  she left a sticky note on the pan....she wrote, "mine is better!"

upset of it all!

 ours is a quiet little town on the connecticut shoreline.
we chose to move here from the boston area almost 11 years ago.  we decided to move to connecticut to be closer to our families....we had moved up to boston when grace was only 6 months old....we lived there 4 years and had many friends and we enjoyed so much of boston and cape cod....we loved it but we followed our hearts.

from the moment we visited our town, we could only see the wonderful small town feeling, the beachy feeling, the country feeling and the family feeling....and even the schools were excellent and highly rated..our proximity to family was just right...not too far, not too close....just right.....who could ask for more?

our little kiddies were very small and the schools were not a huge concern yet for would be soon enough and we knew that a great town has great schools.

we have only been friends with the nicest people from the day we moved in......including the police officer, officer hanson.  well, i may have mentioned this way back when.....we met him when we were in town for barely 10 hours.

we had come down from boston with the moving truck, a ryder moving truck, and biff driving all of the way!  oh how the kids and i loved seeing him all the way down i95!
"daddy is dwiving a twuck" our little t.j would shout!  he had turned three only 3weeks before.....nobody loved trucks and cars more than our little guy! 
construction played a big part in our families lives.  we knew every truck's name and purpose....we stopped to talk to any working road crew, we stopped and watched them build our brand new stop and shop, we stopped to visit a local friend with a construction business, we watched roads be resurfaced, we read picture books and books about any from of transportation available....this family was in the know!  when our brand new stop and shop opened, it only seemed right to receive an engraved invitation....or perhaps be called in to cut the ribbon on opening day!  we were there!
to have our own truck for 24 hours was more exciting than moving to our new home...with a great ice cream of the reasons grace and t.j. thought we were moving to our new town!  we were moved in by dinner time.  it was one of the hottest days of the year.....since our truck needed to be returned by the morning, biff and i decided to take the truck back right away.....and act like grown ups.....just get the job procrastination for us!  we planned to return the truck, take the kids for ice cream and put them to bed.....

we were off.  the new homeowners were on our way...getting things done! i drove in the car with the kids ahead of biff.  biff drove the truck...the kids were delighted to have daddy following us.  what a great town we had chosen....what a great house....what a great.....

and as we drove out from under the amtrak train trestle with daddy not far behind....we heard a 
loud sound!  empty garbage cans must have been rolling through a tunnel.  l-o-u-d!  i looked in my rear view guessed was the big truck!
the sign for the underpass was positioned so that biff noticed it just as he was on the hill going down under....and RRRRRRRRIPPPP!  like a very large can of
tuna, the top on the truck was peeled back to the rear!

it was right then that t.j. said, "DID DADDY BWAKE THE TWUCK?"  as if it had been the most awesome thing he had ever known.  t.j. had broken just a few things in his short lifetime....he was enthralled that his daddy had broken something so huge!  

that's when my nervous laughter began....and then i saw biff's face....white as chalk.  we pulled over into a parking lot.  that's when we met our local police!  that's when we met the amtrak police!  that's when we were so grateful that biff had taken the insurance!  

it was at that moment that i said to biff, "if we're in the newspaper again....we're moving!" our new police department was very efficient.  one sargent and one officer arrived immediately. we told them that we hadn't even lived here 24 hours!  that was a fine how do you do!  and that was our warm welcome to our new town.  those policemen became our friends as we passed through town or saw them passing by the house!  we waved to them everywhere we went!  ahhhhh, a great small town!

and in a small town things happen...just like in a big town! we've had alot of  things come up...just since we've lived here.  a few scandalous stories....and the news crews couldn't be more on it!  flashing lights!  film at eleven.
we've had a policeman who was stealing lobsters from a favorite local landmark....we've had a drug bust at a small town boutique....they like to cover snowstorms here....we've had a police chief fired for a cover up....we've had a horrific  high school stories that is one in a million.....upsetting a whole town....and that's enough! enough!
we love where we live.  we only have nice friends.  but stuff happens...everywhere.  some things we learn about upset us greatly...upset all of us....all of us who live in a town where we care.....we care about the people who live next door....who sit next to us on the beach....or at church....or at a football game....or a soccer game.......rooting our kids on....looking out for one another....looking out for one another's kids.

and when bad things happen....we all feel it.  we all care. .....we see the good in people....and believe in the goodness of people....we care about the people we live with.....we are appalled to find out anything different....than what we believe.  it's so upsetting that we just don't want to hear it.
when big things happen in a small town,
it affects everyone....the grown ups, the kids,
the teachers, the police, the people who care. 
we just don't want
to see any more.
i was out walking the dogs yesterday....thinking about the families and some sad stories of people involved.....and i saw a news truck.  i felt sick....why is it such a big story when it's something in our town? why do they make it a headline? i was sad.

i was talking to another mom when i was picking up t.j. at her house. we both know the news stories....we both care about the people... i said,"i feel so sad for the families involved....just sad...and there are news crews to follow the story! it's upsetting to think of this as news."  my friend responded....."it was just covered on t.v. minutes ago! that's why the news crews are there!" 

i said, "i wish they'd just leave the families alone!"

she said, " it was on the wasn't those families!
they found a dead woman down near the beach!"
i screamed out, "thank God!" relieved for the families of the other headline!  my friend said, " but the woman is dead!".....''oh, that's too bad.  i was so relieved for the families that i dismissed the fact that a woman was found dead!  way too much going on for a small town.  a woman was dead and i was relieved! 

(please understand i'm very upset to hear that someone has died in our town....the woman has family who are devastated at the loss.  my point is that in a quiet town with quite a bit of upset, it is very disturbing to all of us.  i only acknowledge this because of the situation is so upsetting that i was relieved to hear it wasn't about the first story...i was so relieved, that i barely heard that a woman was dead. of course the loss of this woman, a mom, is also disturbing to me and to us was my reaction to it that allowed me to laugh and have some relief from the upset of it all.)