Monday, May 24, 2010

just sent a fb note to an old friend...who just had her "little girl" graduate from high school!
i realized that i was writing and it was like my post on bloggy land

it's so amazing to think that hadley is going off to college!  grace is a freshman...t.j. is 8th...the other night we were at grace's spring concert..for chorus....i was looking at her friends and having little flashbacks of them as 1st graders, 4th graders...on and on...the ones that played dress up at our house...the ones at birthday know, the kodak the end, they showed a slide show of the of them since freshman year!

i had tears in my eyes...just thinking how fast it goes.  i'm so grateful that i've tried to be "present" and really enjoy our life and staying home with them....although as early teens, they don't love spending too much time with me! 

they don't like my singing...grace tells me when i've chosen a icky shade of lipstick if the color's a tad off!  so funny.  t.j. doesn't like my singing.  he says i love the dogs more than the kids!

after the slide show, they called each senior to the front of the stage and they announced what college they were going to attend....i was practically in tears....realizing that grace is a freshman and how fast it all goes...speedy fast!  t.j's graduating from 8th grade this year! i feel like it was one minute ago that they graduated from montessori!

the nice thing for you is.....i've been seeing some old friends' status posts on fb....the ones with college kids post things like------------the kids are coming home this weekend!.....  can't wait to see the kids...
the kids brought home ALL of their laundry!.....we've been eaten out of house and home!......i have been so happy to see that and to see how exciting it is for everyone to get them back home! that's a nice thing to see!  

i like stories of life happenings...especially, when i can relate...or they make me laugh...really hits a funny bone because it's some quirky thinkg that happens to makes me laugh when i think someone has actually thought like me!

when i talk to my friends and family, there's alot more to our talk than the stories and the stuff i share...funny, unfunny, whatever.

it must be meant to be..again..the blog post has been lost. i keep having that happen...i'm not sure that the blog is meant to be.  i like to take the time to write my blog..yet, it's very busy.  i love writing.  but, should i be staying up to late to write.  writing is for me...the photos are for my add another dimension...another creative layer...not that anyone else cares...but  it's for me. 

i love my family...biff, the kids, the dogs, the cats....

i've let go of some of my awesome dog walks to write this blog....balance? i think not.
i spend hours writing. i love to write.  it's one of the places where time doesn't matter....balance? i think not.

e-bay gives me great feedback and i enjoy my communication with my customers...i've met so many nice people....e-bay customers...each one is interesting.
but, there is feedback.

blog? it's been very fun for me.  i'm not sure where to go from here.  i write for me...yet, no comments and no feedback for 6 months...not sure it matters.  i love writing but if i'm staying up way too late to fit it in or letting the dishes wait? balance? i think not.

not sure.  i do realize that i like to be connected. i like the blog for me. still, do i really have to make it a "blog"...if the followers don't follow? if the people don't bother to comment? why bother?  it's only graffiti if i'm writing a blahhhhhhhhhG and no one reads it .  

i like feedback...even on customers are so nice...we connect.  in our own way.  it's fun. i like that.

it's wierd to write and write and write and have so little feedback...except for the friends who may call and then we re-hash and laugh about more of the stories than i really wrote...we have that connection.

many blogs have that.  i have blog friends...when i comment on their blogs, they recognize me and we have that connection.

that's all. way too late.  i have lots to think about in my life.  how much time do i do something with no connection.  do i? not sure.

i enjoy people. i enjoy their stories. more than ever.  every single person has their own story. that's what matters to me.  not so much my own story.  i like to share my stories and i like to get the sense that people enjoy them.  i'm not sure this is the right venue for these stories.  who knows.  maybe, who cares!!  i'm not sure i do.  i do know that i have been doing this almost 7 months...that's alot of dishes or gardening or laundry or e-bay that actually makes some connection...where i can see...quite literally if anyone even cares.....

i'm just not sure.  if my peace and balance feel lopsided because of writing...a blog that hasn't grown...a blog that is one sided...not too much do i even know if it's enjoyed.  oh, i do know some enjoy....but, come on.  is it worth balance? not sure.  

lots of questions.  i have lots and lots of e-bay quality items to list...and i'm spending this time writing....and why?  not sure.

i think the balance is off.  it seems.  when i take so much time to write...and there is still so much more to that balance?  i think not.

i have passions.  our kids and their schooling....our community.  friends with breast cancer that are happy for the connection...or happy for the company...or happy to have a ride somewhere.  would my time be better spent back at hospice doing art therapy...where i truly help some people.

our family had a ball this weekend.  we were with our sailing friends all weekend for the sailing regatta.  we had laughs and connecton and families enjoying families.  we are so happy to see the kids and how they've grown over the winter...and everyone falls back in step immediately...we told stories...they laughed...we all teared up from time to time...the kids and grown ups shared stories...all ages...a joy.

lots of stories.  i told lots.  we all laughed at stuff...some of the littlemarymixup stories that i could never take the time to write....oh, i love to laugh and be with friends.  maybe, that's all way more important than writing late into the night. maybe so.

who knows. i don't know. i do know it's way past bedtime. i do know that i have alot to mail in the morning....e-bay.  i have to get something for dinner.  i do know that i have to take photos for e-bay.  i have to list the items after i take the photos.  i have to plant some of the lettuce, basil, tomatoes...and more.  lots more where that came from.

guess i'll sleep on it. finally. sleep. i think i'll figure it out. i'm not sure it's what i had hoped for.  maybe i'll have to change my format.  maybe i'll have to write less.  i know some don't even like to read if it's too long.  but, don't i write this for me?  yes.  so who cares? but, should i find something else?
i'll sleep on it....right now. i'll be back...just don't know when.  just don't know how i'll keep it going...maybe the change will be good.  maybe.   maybe not.  balance.  we'll see.

i'm having so much fun on fb, staying in touch with some fun, old friends...and some acquaintances.  just like the acquaintances, i just have little quips with them and happy to see a picture of their kids or whatever.

i love my e-bay biz.  it's been fun. it's been a business. really.  perfect for me. great with the kids. great for biff and i.....e-bay has been good for us all!

this is so convoluted...i keep losing bits of the  in cyberspace....meant to be.  maybe. who knows.  balance?  i think not.....cyberspace balance?  i think not.

balance. do you have balance?  do you make time for the people you love. do you get real?  are you living honestly?  do you have secrets? are you healthy? do you take care of yourself and your family....spiritually? mentally? physically?  emotionally?  do you make time for friends?  do you make time for real?  real time with family?  in person?  on a heartfelt phone call?  do you ever think to call someone for them.....not for you to feel better?  do you do random acts of kindness?  are you loving to many people?  do you hold back your love for some?  do you hold grudges? do you stand in judgment of others?  do you think you are a kind and loving person?  have you done anything for your community?  just askin',,,, are you feeling good about the way you live your life? balance? just askin'.....

i'm looking for balance...i should say more balance....

No comments: